“Why?”

It was the question every woman wanted to know the answer to. When Nick was younger, probably around Peggy’s age, he would have stumbled and bumbled over the answer and ultimately made himself look like a self-serving jackass. Through years of experience in answering the question he had now developed an answer that both reflected his feelings and deflected his emotions.

Still, no satisfaction was typically found by the inquisitor and this conversation usually marked the beginning of the end of an otherwise strong relationship. Nick thought to himself how amazed he would be if marriage and children was the breaking point considering how much the two of them had been through together over the last three weeks of their lives, let alone the year before it where they had managed to stay together through an incredible amount of distance.

“What’s the point?” he wondered. “The world is overpopulated as it is, why does everyone need to have babies? The human race won’t die out if we don’t have kids. Besides, it’s a lifelong commitment and for 18 years you’re responsible for not totally fucking up this other human being... I don’t know if I want that.”

Peggy was starting to put the pieces together in her head. Being a fairly observant person she felt like she had insight into Nick that not many other women had picked up on. While many people found him difficult to read she believed she had found the key to decoding his mind and was slowly making her way through the lengthy process of figure out what he was thinking.

“You’re not your father, Nick,” she told him, knowing immediately that she had hit a nerve when the hand that was holding hers twitched and he rolled the desk chair a fraction of an inch away from her.

“Don’t go there,” he said sternly. “You’re not my therapist. Don’t psychoanalyze me.”

“I know that’s what you’re afraid of. I know you’re worried that if you have a child it’ll end up hating you as much as you hate your parents.”

Nick scoffed and shook his head at her audacity, “Would that be so wrong? It has nothing to do with that, though. I’m not the only person in the world who doesn’t want kids. I just don’t have that instinct.”

Peggy pulled her hand away from his, running her fingers through her long hair, tugging on the roots, out of frustration. She looked to the ceiling, the light coming in from the window highlighting the tear tracks running down her cheeks. Taking a long, cleansing breath she finally looked back down and locked eyes with his baby blues.

For a moment Nick thought that he had never seen someone manage to look so beautiful when they were crying. Her eyes were red-rimmed, making their emerald green colour pop more than normal. Her usually fair skin was flushed, making her absolutely glow and the thought made him so sad he couldn’t keep himself from standing from his chair. He moved to stand between her legs and wrapped his arms around her, feeling hers slide from his sides to his back.

Pulling back he looked down at her and brushed a stray piece of hair away from her cheek, not knowing if there was anything more he could say to make her feel any better - or any worse.

“I used to think that those other girls were just crazy,” Peggy finally spoke, not breaking eye contact. “I realize now that they weren’t. They just wanted to know they had some kind of future, that there was more to life than just waiting around for you. They all left you because when you look forward into a relationship with you there’s just nothing but more of the same.”

Immediately Nick’s arms dropped back to his sides and he stepped away until Peggy could no longer reach him, feeling wounded. “Why does a future have to include those two things? Why can’t it just be us having fun, loving each other and being happy together?”

Not knowing what else to say since they had effectively reached a stalemate Peggy just shrugged and chuckled ironically. “Maybe because everything is about making you happy? Not having those things won’t make me happy. Everything is always about you and making sure that you get what you want.”

“That’s not true,” he disagreed. “I moved here for you and I didn’t really want to. I did it for you. It certainly hasn’t made me happy.”

“And when the Prince isn’t happy, no one can be happy...”

“Grow up!” he snapped, finally letting his building anger get the best of him. “So this is done then?”

“That’s just like you to end a conversation before a resolution.”

“I didn’t mean this conversation,” Nick stressed. “I meant this relationship. I’m not going to give you what you want. I’m not going to feel bad and promise you I’ll give you something I don’t know for sure if I ever plan on delivering.”

Peggy’s eyes went wide with shock - that hadn’t been what she had expected to hear. She had been hoping that she might have been different, that Nick might love her enough that he would be willing to change his thinking on things or at least be open to considering it in the future. She never imagined that he would effectively wrap up their entire relationship over a simple disagreement.

“You’re breaking up with me because we don’t see eye to eye on something?”

“You just told me you don’t have a future with me!” Nick exclaimed, not able to keep himself from shouting even though he’d promised he wouldn’t earlier. “What do you expect me to do? We haven’t even lived together for a month and you’re already upset because I don’t know if I want to have kids. We haven’t even had a chance to settle and you want to start discussing which room to use as the nursery.”

Peggy rolled her eyes dramatically, glaring at him. “I didn’t mean we had to have a baby tomorrow.”

Nick couldn’t stop himself from chuckling and shook his head at her naivety, “Don’t you get it? I’m 32 years old. If you want to wait until you’re in your thirties to start having kids, that’s great but I’m going to be in my forties by then. I’m getting to the point where if I’m going to have kids and actually get to participate in their life - unlike my father - then I’m running out of time.”

Peggy couldn’t help but feel a bit of hope from his words. While he had just firmly denied wanting any kind of offspring moments earlier, he had now just admitted that he had thought about it enough to know that he didn’t want to be an older father. She couldn’t stop herself from asking him if he had indeed imagined their life with children and if the timing would be the catalyst to his decision on whether or not to have any. The look on Nick’s face as soon as the words came out of her mouth though told her otherwise.

He couldn’t deny that there had been a few moments in his life where he had thought about having kids of his own. They usually came after one of two things happened - either a conversation similar to the one he was having or after one of his friends had a baby. He liked kids and he was good with kids but they were other people’s kids so it was different. There was just something about having a baby that didn’t appeal to him.

Babies need food, shelter, love and care. They need not only a roof over their heads but a place where they can call home. They need someone to guide them in the right direction and make sure no one ever hurt them and Nick wasn’t sure he was the right person for the job. It wasn’t very often he thought about anyone other than himself and he felt like a baby would hold him back not set him free.

In most other cases he would be able to convince himself that he couldn’t know he wasn’t good at something until he tried it, but having a child wasn’t something he could opt out of when he ultimately decided it wasn’t his thing. At least, he didn’t feel like he could back away from it. He didn’t have that in him, either.

“I don’t think I’m going to be able to give you what you want,” he regretfully admitted, his shoulders slumped in defeat. “If knowing there’s a future beyond what we have right now is important to you I have to respect that and walk away.”

“No,” Peggy whispered, reaching out for him. “I love you. I don’t want you to walk away.”

He stayed a short distance away from her fingertips, just out of reach, and watched many variations of pain contort her features. He had been down this road too many times before to let it go any further if it wasn’t what she had pictured for herself.

“I love you,” he returned the sentiment, smiling sadly. “I don’t want you to resent me, though.”

“I won’t!”

“You will,” he challenged. “This isn’t my first trip around the block. You’re not the first girl who has told me she wanted the same things as all of her girlfriends have - marriage, kids, a picture perfect portrait to slap on a Christmas card every year. I know how this goes.
You’ll say you can adjust and we’ll go on ignoring it for right now but every time one of your friends has a baby or gets an engagement ring you’ll start thinking about it again. Over time it will be all you can think about and the only person standing between you and all of the things that you want will be me and by the end you’ll resent every breath I take. By the time you ultimately decide to leave me the hatred will be mutual. I care too much about you to let you go through that.”

Peggy couldn’t believe the irony of his words and was surprised that he didn’t recognize them himself. She was sure at that point that Nick’s position had less to do with actually believing the words and more to do with repeating them to himself so often, for so many years, that he now had himself convinced they were true. She thought it was a bit like memories from childhood. Most of them you don’t actually remember but you’ve heard the stories so many times that they become vivid and real.

“So if you get married you’ll hate each other and if you don’t get married you’ll hate each other anyway? Why don’t you just be alone forever then and save yourself the heartache?” she wondered curiously. “I never said we had to get married right away, Nick. Despite what you might think we are both still young and you’re right, this is all pretty fresh. I just don’t like knowing that you’ve already made up your mind about the future, that any possibility of us going past what we are right now is gone. I just want for our options to be open. I don’t want to break up, not over this.”

He didn’t like that she had a point, it made him feel especially uncomfortable and he would never admit that what she was saying made any sense at all. He had never had a woman challenge him like Peggy was doing and it surprised him considering that most of his girlfriends had been older - and in some cases wiser - than the girl sitting in front of him, dressed in ratty sweats with weepy eyes and disheveled hair. Most of his previous girlfriends would go off the deep end, realize he was a lost cause and walk out the door.

For a moment he really thought about himself being a husband and father type and he just couldn’t realistically picture it - loading a bunch of lookalikes into a minivan, driving them to soccer and dance practice, putting together swing sets in the backyard all the while having to play house with a woman that would take all of his time and money as well as his last name - it just didn’t mesh. In his mind it led to the end of his career, an inability to be spontaneous, to travel and enjoy his life. It was the end of days.

“I need some time to think about all of this,” Nick told her, finally closing the space between them again to kiss her forehead briefly. “Really, it’s nothing personal. This is all me. I just need some time.”

“Okay,” she nodded, both hands holding tightly onto his biceps. “Take whatever time you need.”

He nodded and kissed her forehead a second time before moving towards the door, “I’ll call you when I figure out where I’m gonna stay.”

“Wait, what?” Peggy turned to him, confused by the words. “You’re leaving? You can’t think about it here? When are you coming back?”

Nick sighed and moved another step out the door, anxious to get dressed and pack up a few things to take with him, “I’ll call you. Promise.”