[ - ]
Table of Contents [Report This]
Printer Chapter or Story Microsoft Word Chapter or Story
- Text Size +
After: I Won't Give Up


Nick

I drove around for what felt like forever. Aimless, restless, my stomach feeling gutted. The world felt sort of... empty... and pointless... I found myself sitting at the ocean on the hood of the car, staring out at the waves as they crashed on the shore and slipped away. Today, even the ocean couldn't make me feel any better.

I got back in the car after a long time of sitting there, thinking and staring out at the horizon line, having decided to go back home, and my eyes caught something in the backseat. I turned around and there was Ashley's veil, laying across the leather. My throat constricted, and I pictured her in her dress, holding her flowers, ready to walk down the aisle with no veil and no one to walk her.

I picked the veil up, running my hands over the soft material.

Twenty-six years ago I met a girl. And she was the prettiest thing I ever saw and I never understood that or believed it until eleven and a half months ago. She was carefree and she was loving and she gave the whole world 110% of herself, even when the cause didn't entirely earn it. She was beaten down by circumstances, she was marginalized by society, and she somehow still turned out pretty amazing. She'd worked hard on everything she put her mind to, she'd struggled through opportunities. She'd created for herself a better life than most people would ever have believed was possible for her. She was like magic, like wind through the leaves making music when you least expect it on a hot summer day.

And she deserved better than me running away.

I turned on my engine and I drove to the church. It was late enough that they'd be there instead of the hotel. My palms were sweating as I parked my car and, carrying her veil and my suit over one arm, I walked up the stairs, and through the dark maroon double doors, into the house of God. I looked around. The pews were decorated with silk sashes and flowers and the pictures we'd chosen together months and months ago were displayed on a large placard by the door. Welcome to the wedding ceremony of Christopher and Ashley it read, their smiling faces grinning back in blown-up images from a photo booth taken the first couple weeks they were dating. A few people were already sitting inside. I saw Chris's mother, heading down some stairs to the basement of the church, and I followed her.

The basement was obviously where Sunday School went down. There was a flannelgraph Noah's ark hanging on the wall, one of the two-by-two giraffes wasn't sticking like he should and was hanging down from the wall. A couple balls of dried out playdough were stuck to the floor. Ashley was standing across the room in front of a mirror that had been leaned against the wall. She was wearing the wedding dress, the back of it undone, and Chris's mother was standing behind her, working on closing up the back with safety pins.

Ashley had her headphones on, her eyes closed.

I walked over, coming up behind Karen, and she jumped when I tapped her shoulder. Ashley was oblivious I was there. "Can I talk to her a second alone?" I asked.

Karen hesitated.

"Please."

"Okay. But I'll only be gone for five minutes. No funny business. My son told me about you." She eyed me, and moved away, up the stairs. I wondered what Chris had told her.

Ashley turned to see why Karen had stopped working on her dress, and she saw me, pulled the headphones out of her ears, and stared at me, dumbfounded. "You came back," she said quietly.

I held up the veil, "You left this," I said, "In my car."

Ashley took the veil. Her hands shook.

"Plus, I promised you I'd be here to walk you down the aisle, didn't I?"

Ashley's eyes filled with tears, "You don't have to," she said.

I shook my head, "A promise is a promise."

"But --"

"No buts," I replied.

Ashley took a deep breath. She put the veil down on a chair she was standing beside. She stared down at the carpet for a long moment. "I really am sorry, Nick," she said quietly.

"I'm sorry, too," I answered.

She looked up at me. "You are my soulmate."

I broke our eye contact, looking at the carpet now myself. "Don't tell me that," I said.

"You need to know."

"Not if you aren't going to pick me, I don't." I said.

Ashley's voice creaked. "I can't pick you, Nick."

"I waited too long."

"You waited too long."

I swallowed the searing pain in my throat. I felt tears burning the edges of my eyes. "You didn't give me my full twelve hours," I accused thickly.

Ashley held out her hand.

I took it, drawing her close. The bodice of her dress pressed against my chest, my hand rested perfectly against her back. She rested her head against me. I breathed deeply her smell, committed to memory the feeling of her touch. "I won't give up on us," I whisper-sang, "Even if the skies get dark... I'm giving you all my love... I'm still looking up... Cause even the stars they burn... some even fall to the earth... and we've got a lot to learn... but God knows we're worth it... no, I won' give up..."

I felt Ashley's shoulders shaking under my touch.

I held her out at arm's length and looked at her, stared right into her tear-filled, blood-shot eyes. "I'll see you upstairs," I said. I let go and I turned and started up the stairs. I could hear Ashley crying behind me, but I didn't dare to turn back. I passed Karen on the steps. "Don't worry," I said, "She's still Chris's."

Karen glowered at me as I continued on up the steps.




Ashley

"What did he want?" Karen asked.

I shook my head and turned so she could finish closing the back of dress around me. "Just to talk," I choked the words out.

"Why are you crying?" she asked.

"I'm just tired," I lied.

I ran my hands along the skirt's fabric. I tried to imagine Nick walking me down the aisle, tried to picture him handing my hand to Chris... and I couldn't.

It hurt too much.

"I can't believe you didn't have this fitted," she complained.

I didn't reply.

I hadn't needed it fitted when I purchased it. It had fit like a dream.

If it fit, I thought, I wouldn't be wearing it in this church. I'd be wearing it in Las Vegas. I'd be wearing it for Nick, not for Chris. If it fit, there would have only been one damn line on that pregnancy test upstairs, not two. If it fit, the first time that I had a life beginning in me I would have been happy, and it would've been Nick's.

But it didn't fit.
I was wearing it in the church basement.

I was wearing it for Chris.

And there were two pink lines.

Karen got the last of the pins through the back of the fabric. I could feel them cutting into my skin all up my back as the fabric pulled against them. She stepped back, "You're lucky you're wearing a veil today," shse said, then turned and started collecting the curling iron and the various other tools we needed to set my hair and make up.

I wouldn't have had a veil if it wasn't for Nick bringing it back, I thought.

Where would I be without Nick in my life?

Where was I gonna end up without him?

I touched my stomach, looking down at my hand against the pale white fabric.