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Before: Choice Made


Ashley

I woke up with a start. It was dark in the room, moonlight shone through the window. Panic spread through me as I realized neither Nick nor Zoey were by my side - and both of them had been when I'd fallen asleep. I sat up quickly and reached for the little remote control thing that turned on the TV and the lights in my room.

With the click of a button the room was illuminated. But I quickly dimmed the lights because I'd spotted them. Nick was asleep in the chair across the room, baby Zoey pressed against his bare chest, her head nestled just below his neck. He had her tucked into his arms, his cheek against the top of her head. Pink Giraffee looked on from her little rolly bed.

I sat there and watched them, wishing I had a camera.

The nurse tiptoed in and glanced at Nick and Zoey, a smile breaking across her face. Then she turned to see me and whispered, "How long have they been like that?"

"I think I fell asleep, too," I admitted.

The nurse came over, dragging her vitals cart behind her, and strapped the blood pressure cuff around my arm. "Let's see how you're fairing," she said as she turned the machine on and attached the ET-like glowy thing on my finger for my temp and heart rate. She took note of the results on an iPad and quickly took all the machinery off me. "I'll give you a little longer before I come back for baby," she whispered.

I nodded, then, "Hey, do you happen to have a camera?"

She smiled. "A polaroid. I'll be right back."

"Thank you."

I waited, watching Nick's chest rise and fall with Zoey upon it, sleeping peacefully.

When the nurse came back, she held the camera in her hand, winked, and tip-toed closer to Nick and Zoey, and clicked the shutter. When the flash went off Nick's eyes fluttered and he lifted his head up, his grip still solid on Zoey's body, and looked around, a confused, sleepy expression on his face.

The nurse handed me the Polaroid as it zipped out of the camera, and I shook it to develop it, then she turned back to Nick, "I'm sorry to interrupt you two, you looked so precious, but I have to bring baby Zoey back to the nursery for the night."

Nick looked disappointed. "Okay," he said.

The nurse lifted Zoey carefully off Nick's chest, and Zoey whimpered angrily, her fists flying.

"Mommy needs a night-night kiss," I spoke up and the nurse dutifully brought Zoey over to me. I hugged her and kissed her warm little forehead. "Mommy loves you, Zozozozo," I whispered.

Nick watched as the nurse plucked Zoey up from me and plopped her back into her little bed and her angry fists waved about again, and she was rolled out of the room. I stared after the nurse's back until she was well around the corner and Zoey's whimpers were out of earshot.

I looked down at the Polaroid.

It was perfect.




Nick

I stuck around at the hospital until the last possible moment and the nurse absolutely wouldn't let me stay any longer. Then I kissed Ashley on the cheeks and told her I'd be back as soon as they'd let me up to see her and she said good night and I headed out the door, waving goodbye to the overnight receptionist and getting back in my car.

The house was big and empty and lonely feeling when I got there. I went inside and turned on a bunch of lights and the stereo so my iPod shuffle played throughout the house. I went into the kitchen and stood at the counter in front of the contract. I reached into the trash and pulled out the manilla envelope and shoved the contract back into it, dusting off a couple few particles from it. I turned and rummaged around in a drawer and unearthed some tape and resealed the envelope after having ripped it open once already.

But this time my choice was made.

And just to make it with a capital Made, I hit the stop button on the stereo, and carried the contract back out to the car. I drove across town to the office of the lawyer I was supposed to mail it to and I shoved it into the drop box.

Choice made. There was no turning back now.

I walked back to the car and climbed in, buckling my seatbelt and taking a deep breath.

I was officially not a Backstreet Boy. And I couldn't be a Backstreet Boy for a minimum of three years. Signed, sealed, delivered.

I drove home again feeling oddly accomplished, and by the time I got back and had the stereo playing again, I was convinced that I'd made the best choice. I went to check on Zoey's room and found the paint had dried and the fumes were less toxic than they'd been when I'd left in the morning. I dragged the crib into the bedroom and sat down with a screw driver to attempt to assemble it.

At six o'clock the next morning, I'd assembled it and put the padding and blankets and stuffed animals inside that I'd purchased to surprise Ashley with. I stood in the door way, staring into the pink palace that I'd put together myself and I felt proud of myself for having taken the time to do it.

I hadn't slept, but that didn't stop me from getting dressed, brushing my teeth, and driving back to the hospital, where I said hi to the receptionist, stopped by the gift shop for Ashley's York peppermint patty and Yoohoo, and heading upstairs to see my beautiful ladies. And maybe even bring them home.

Although if I'm honest, I was kind of dreading the part where I brought them home because then it was gonna be up to me to protect them.

And so far, my track record at protecting them hadn't been so great.