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Before: Because You Love Me?


Ashley

The car shot onto the highway, northbound, back in toward Nashville. Traffic was terrible, but Chris wove through the cars until he reached the far break down lane and the car sped by the slow moving traffic. He spun the dial on the radio. Zoey shrieked in terror in the backseat. I could feel nothing except Nick's blood drying on my hands and the kind of complete numbness that you can only feel when the person who loved you most in the entire world is gone. The kind that might as well be a straight jacket. The kind that paralyzes you.

"Now you don't have a choice to make anymore," Chris said, "Now you don't have to wonder what would've happened if you picked him at the wedding. If you'd gone to Vegas." His voice was thick, pleading. "Now you're free to just love me, you're free, Ashley. You're free to be mine. You do love me, don't you? You do."

I couldn't bring myself to speak. Couldn't even fathom a word for what I felt for Chris.

Love was certainly not it.

"You can take that piece of shit ring off now," he said, "Throw it out the goddamn window." He reached for my hand.

"No."

"You need to put back on my ring," he said.

"I don't have them!"

He struggled to grab my hand. The car swerved unsteadily. The left size scraped the barrier that lined the highway. "Fuck." Chris steadied the car, abandoning his quest to grab hold of me.

Zoey's screams intensified, if that was possible.

I turned to look at her, her face was bright red, crumbled into a look of utter distress.

And as I stared out the back window, I saw them -- the blue lights.

The police.

The sirens welped.

"Fuck." Chris spat and pressed the gas pedal. The car burst forward with even stronger velocity. I felt like I was being pressed back into my seat, and I sat forward, my heart slamming in my chest louder than I'd ever heard it. The traffic became a blur of color and noise and the road passed so quickly the dotted lines seemed solid and the blue lights loomed behind us, the sirens whooping loudly.

Maybe, I thought, we would die, too, and I would be with Nick.

The barrier ended and Chris turned the wheel so fast the tires squealed and the car dove forward, jostling onto the grass that separated the north and southbound freeways. It shook, threatening to turn over, but Chris somehow managed to keep it from tipping. The nose of the car dove and shook and fought and dust flew up behind us. I felt like I was in the fucking Dukes of Hazard.

I pictured Nick howling like Luke Duke.

Chris accelerated again, pulled the vehicle onto the southbound highway. Traffic was moving quicker on that side. He wove between vehicles as the cops were left behind, their sirens wailing as they took the median more carefully. I looked back at Zoey. She was still crying. "Baby, sweet baby," I whipsered, "It's okay Zozo. Mommy's here. Mommy's here."

"Doesn't that baby ever shut the hell up?" Chris snapped.

"When Nick sings," I replied.

He gripped the wheel, angry.

"She's terrified, what the hell do you expect?" I screamed at him. Anger burst through me. "Do you seriously think she's going to stop crying when you're driving like a fucking maniac? Do you seriously think she's going to love you? Do you seriously think I'm going to? Just because Nick's dead doesn't mean I don't still love him more. It doesn't mean I'm going to take off the ring. It doesn't mean you win or that you get to have me."

"YOU BELONG TO ME, YOU ARE MY WIFE!"

"I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING WIFE ANYMORE CHRIS, IT GOT ANNULLED!" I bellowed, "YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME!"

"YOU WILL LOVE ME!"

"I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU!" I screamed, "I WILL LOVE NICK UNTIL THE DAY I DIE! I WILL LOVE NICK FOR ALL OF ETERNITY! And there is NOTHING you or anyone else in the universe will EVER DO that will EVER, EVER, EVER change that! So FUCK YOU. You don't win. You'll NEVER win. You will NEVER have me or my love. I BELONG TO NICK!"

As I'd yelled the traffic had thickened. As I yelled the cars had stopped moving, and Chris had swerved into the breakdown lane again. As I yelled, he'd pulled around them to find a line of police cars blocking the road ahead.

"Fuck."

He slammed on the brakes. The car shrieked. It shuddered. The back end spun out. The car twisted and turned and Zoey's carseat tipped. Pink giraffe fell from the seat, flew to the floor. I screamed, trying to straighten the seat, trying to grab onto something - anything - to steady myself. Chris slammed into the steering wheel. The airbags burst open. The car came to a sudden stop.

Zoey screamed into the thick silence.

"PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!" came a loud, angry sounding voice. "PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND EXIT THE VEHICLE."

Chris looked over at me.

"I love you Ashley," he said. His mouth was bleeding. "I've made so many mistakes."

"You don't love me," I shook. "If you loved me... you would've let me go."

Chris's voice broke. "Don't let them kill me."

"PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND EXIT THE VEHICLE!"

"I wouldn't want them to," I said, my voice shaking.

"Because you love me?" he asked, breathless.

"Because I want you to suffer for what you've done, you fucking asshole," I replied. I unlatched the door, put my hands up, and climbed out, shaking.




Nick

At first, I felt robbed that I didn't get to see my life flash before my eyes. But really, I thought, I did. The last thing I saw was Ashley.

She was my life these days.

And really who needed all the other shit I'd done and said and been through?

All that mattered was the girl.

Everything else in the world that I'd ever been, the only thing that mattered was that I'd been hers.

For however short of a time it'd been.

It'd been worth every moment.