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After: Go to Him


Ashley

"Do you remember before we moved to Nashville permanently how we used to sit on the patio and watch the sunset?" I asked, staring in the direction I thought he was standing in. I couldn't see him, but I could feel him in the room. Couldn't hear his response, though I paused for it because it was the polite thing to do. I laughed, "I bet Heaven is exactly like those nights with the salty air and the gulls." I sighed, remembering. Pausing, letting him talk, if he was talking. Then I said, "Do you remember how we used to sneak back inside so the kids wouldn't wake up and have sex? Of course you remember that, you always remember the sex stories." I laughed again.

I picked up my cup of tea from the coffee table, sipping it. The liquid jostled in the glass, spilled a little over the edge onto my hand. It smelled like peaches and honey. I put it back down and wiped my hand on the skirt of my nightgown.

Presley stuck her head in the room, "Mummy, are you hungry?"

"No," I replied.

She disappeared.

"Nick, do you remember the time we took the kids to Disney? And Oliver tried to pull the head off Mickey Mouse?"

Leslie suddenly stepped into the room. "Who are you talking to mum?" she asked. She was carrying a tray. Presley followed her. Leslie put the tray down on the table, lifted a plate with a tuna sandwich and some crackers and held it out to me.

"I'm not hungry."

"You haven't eaten in two days," she reprimanded me. "You need to eat." She put the plate on my lap.

Steve Perry wandered out and laid on the carpet.

Presley took one of the other two plates and curled onto Nick's old chair. A part of me wanted to protest. That was where I'd imagined him sitting. But he must've moved or something. I could still feel him in the room. Everyday, he got stronger.

Once, I swear, I could smell him.

"Who were you talking to, mum?" Leslie asked as she lifted the last plate and sat back on the couch beside me.

I shook my head and gingerly lifted a cracker. I put it in my mouth. It had no flavor. I took it back out and returned it to the plate. Leslie didn't notice I'd removed it. Presley did, though. I saw her eyes flicker between Leslie and I, like she was trying to decide if she should tell on me or not.

"Were you talking to Dad again?" Leslie asked.

I looked up. I didn't know they knew I'd been talking to him. I thought he was my secret. I wondered if they could feel him, too. Was that why they were asking? Was his presence strong enough now that I was not the only one who knew he was there?

Leslie stared at my sandwich.

I lifted it up and took a bite.

"Oliver's coming tomorrow," Leslie reminded me. "Won't it be nice to see Oliver again?"

It seemed like he'd just left. But really it'd been almost a month since the day Oliver left, since the day I fell on the stoop. The time had flown by with Nick's presence.

"Yes," I answered, "Seeing Oliver would be nice."

"Zoey took a couple days off, too, so we can all go somewhere together. Maybe we can go to Radnor State Park. You've always loved that old Duck Pond."

"That's where your father proposed to me," I said thickly.

Presley smiled, "I love hearing that story," she said.

"Your father tells it better than I do," I replied.

Presley looked at her sandwich.

"Mum... you need to eat." Leslie pointed at my plate.

So I ate. But I didn't really want to. I wanted them to go back to normal life where they went and worked and did their own thing all day. I wanted to be with Nick.




Nick

That night, I watched as Zoey made dinner with Leslie while Presley tried to keep Ashley interested in a game of checkers in the living room. But Ashley kept getting distracted by me. Every time I moved she would look around the room until she figured out where I was in the room. Like radar. She was getting better and better at it, more keen to sensing me.

At the dinner table, Ashley kept glancing at my chair, though I didn't sit down or anything. It was like she expected me to be there, and it confused her that I wasn't. Zoey noticed and she gave Leslie a Look.

When it was time for bed, Zoey helped Ashley up the stairs to the bedroom and I watched from the corner as she helped Ashley into bed, pulled the covers up and tucked her in. She sat beside her and pushed the hair out of Ashley's face softly, staring down into her eyes. She smiled, "I love you mummy," she whispered.

"I love you too my baby girl," Ashley murmured.

Zoey bent low and kissed her mother's forehead and took a deep breath as she sat back up. "Do you want to go with me to get Oliver tomorrow at the airport?" she asked, taking Ashley's hand into her own.

Ashley shook her head. "No," she said. She turned her head, glancing over at me, "I'd rather stay here," she answered.

Zoey stared down at her until Ashley had turned back to lock eyes with her once more. "Have I ever told you that you're the most amazing mother in the world?"

Ashley smiled up at her. "I'm not that amazing."

"You are the most amazing," Zoey and I both said at exactly the same moment.

Ashley's eyes flickered toward me, then back at Zoey. "I'm glad you think so baby girl," she whispered.

Zoey closed her eyes, preparing herself for the next words she was about to say. "Mum, I know you've been talking to him... I know you feel him... maybe you even see him..."

"I wish I could see him," Ashley replied.

Zoey swallowed. "I just want you to know, mum, if you --" she paused. She bit her lips. Tears came to her eyes. "If you want to - to go to him..." her voice broke, "Then I understand."

Ashley looked up at Zoey. Tears filled her eyes, too.

"If I knew how to go to him... I would."