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Chapter Twenty-Two: The Angel and The Devil


Becky cried during the entire drive to my house. I felt so awkward because I didn't know what to say to her to make it better - didn't know if there even was anything to say to make it better. Her shoulders were still shaking by the time we got to the house and I turned the car off. She was silent, aside from the sharp inhales and exhales that were coming from her side of the car.

"I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you," I said, because I didn't know what other words to say. "I'm sorry the world's so cruel to you."

Becky looked up, her eyes were bloodshot, her nose red. Surely this would be unattractive on any other face, but on Becky's... well, she was always beautiful. Just in this particular moment in a more tragic way. I took her hand in mine, closing my fingers around her small hand. My hand had never really looked big to me before, but the contrast between us was so great that mine suddenly seemed to belong to a giant. Her eyes seemed to look into me instead of at me, like she was seeing my soul instead of my skin. I felt penetrated somehow, like a fortress that had given way to those trying to break in. Except it wasn't an enemy force winning, it was like I'd been rooting for her to get there all along, just waiting for the moment that she'd surmount the gates.

I took a deep breath.

I was about to say the words.

Becky reached up and grabbed my face, wrapped her fingers into my hair, pulled me into her, and pressed her mouth against mine, a force to be reckoned with.

I could barely breathe.

After a long, strong kiss, she pulled back, her breathing heavy. Her eyes wavered, searching my eyes. "I don't know how to ask for what I want from you right now," she whispered. "I've only ever seen this happen in movies. Usually really unlikely situations lead up to them." She grabbed my hand and pulled it to her chest. "Can you feel my heart beating?"

It sounds crazy, but I think I could. I nodded.

"You effect me," she whispered. "I've never felt like this before. You make me feel alive. You make me feel like you see me. Me."

"I do see you," I said quietly.

"Do you understand what I'm asking you?" she asked.

"If I see you?"

She shook her head.

I licked my lips because I had a feeling that I did know.

Becky reached for the door and pushed it open. She climbed out, then leaned down and looked at me as she closed the door behind herself. She reached for the top button on her sweater and undid it. She walked across the yard toward the front door.

I thought of the old movies when there would be a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder.

The angel was leaning against my ear. Tell her. Tell her right now. You can't have sex with her without telling her. She thinks your name is Nate.

The devil shook his head, If you don't do it now, she might change her mind. You'll have to forfeit to Chris and you'll lose the First Pick. And your pride. Remember pride?

The angel rolled his eyes. You don't need First Pick. You've got Becky.

But the pride.

Pride is overrated.

Look at her. She's taking off her sweater.

I looked up at Becky. She was standing on the porch in a strappy little tank top. Her sweater was hanging on her arm. She was staring back at me.

She was practically begging you for sex, the devil whispered.

The angel cried out, You can't!

Becky beckoned me with her finger.

The devil reached around my head and threw the angel overboard. I climbed out of the car and ran across the lawn, pulling my belt off as I went. Becky was leaning against the door. I took the steps up in a single bound, pressed her to the door, my mouth on hers, my hands digging into my pocket for my keys. I shoved the key into the lock, reached for the handle. Becky and I all but fell into the house.

"Is this... what you... were asking... for?" I muttered through kisses.

Becky didn't answer... instead, she just pulled me toward the stairs.

As we stumbled up the steps, my hands were unbuttoning my jeans, and the little Devil on my shoulder was dancing Gangnam Style. Becky was clutching my elbows, holding onto me, keeping me close to her as we moved, lips still locked, hungrily kissing all the way up the steps, bumping along the wall. We were on the second floor, in the hallway. I dropped my jeans and stepped out of them. My fingers found the button on her jeans. I started fumbling with that button, too. Suddenly, the Angel crawled back up my shoulder.

Don't do it! Stop! STOP! You need to tell her the truth! he yelled, clutching my shoulder.

The Angel was right. I had to tell her. I started to back away.

"Nate," Becky said, her voice throaty, "Make love to me."

The Devil looked over at the Angel.

Aw fuck it, even I can't resist that, the Angel said.

Becky and I pushed our way into the bedroom.