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Chapter Twenty-Eight: Ellen


It took me a week to figure out how to do apologize to every girl that I'd ever wronged from Random Nameless Chick #1 to Monica from San Diego to Becky herself. A whole week of moping and thinking and staring blankly at the wall of the bedroom as I lay in bed for hours exhausted from just the sound of oxygen going in and out of my lungs. But when the idea occurred to me, it was so blatantly obvious that I didn't know why I hadn't thought of it to begin with.

Luckily, I had the resources to tap to make it happen.

I spent the next week trying to come up with the words to say that might make Becky understand how incredibly sorry I was for what I'd done and that I wasn't just saying words to try to make her believe me, but that I was actually feeling the things I was saying. It was a challenge and I spent several nights wide awake staring at the ceiling mumbling to myself before I had some resemblence of the words I felt inside me.

I just hoped it'd be enough.

Because certainly nothing else I'd attempted had been. I'd been on WOW sending her messages every chance that I got over the two weeks. But I don't think she even signed on because the messages went unread and unresponded to and she had yet to unfriend me. I spent a lot of time sitting in my computer chair, staring at the profile image of Princess Neryls of Hatteras on my computer screen and the picture of Becky on my phone, waiting, and praying that my idea was going to be enough to reverse the damage I'd done.

On the day that my diabolical plan was to take place, I made my way to Studio 1 in Burbank.

Donnie was standing outside signing autographs to the long line of fans that lined the wall. As my car pulled up along side the line up, I scanned my eyes for Becky, but I didn't see her anywhere. A terrible feeling of dread eeked into my stomach as I worried that she didn't end up going to the show after all. I unrolled the window as we rolled to a stop behind him. "Hey," I said.

A couple girls that recognized me let out a few tame shrieks. One shouted "NICK! HI NICK!" at the top of her lungs and a few heads turned, necks craning to see my face peering out of the car.

Donnie finished up with the autograph he was singing, then turned to me. "Hey brother," he said, lifting up his hand to bump fists with me, "Long time no see, how's it hanging?"

"Tough," I answered.

He grinned, "So punny. You headed inside?"

"Yep."

"I'll be in after I say hi to this lot," he waved at the rest of the line. "The three-J's are in there, I think. Danny's runnin' late."

"Thanks."

Donnie waved my driver through and we came up to the door, and I thanked the driver and climbed out, headed inside. The girls at the head of the line let out cries as I went by and I distributed a few high-fives but, for the most part, I stayed focused on the mission at hand. I was repeating the speech I'd come up with over and over in my head, carefully reviewing that I wasn't going to miss anything when I delivered it for Ellen and her audience.

Inside, I was directed to a green room where Joey, Jordan, and Jonathan were eating sandwiches. Joey had a squirt gun that his son had given him and he was spraying the other two with it. They stopped goofing off the moment I walked in the door and Jon gave me a hug and Jordan said, "Imagine seeing you here. It's like a flashback or something."

When Danny and Donnie came in a little while later we caught up on each other's business, including the guys telling me about their new tour and album and some upcoming event plans they had, but my mind was still focused elsewhere, even as Ellen's crew came for them to drag them off to soundcheck. I was ushered off to a make-up department. After awhile, the immistakable sounds of girls rushing for seats in the main auditorium filled the studio and I was whisked back to the green room where the five New Kids and I waited for the show to begin.

I was scared to fucking death, I'm not gonna lie.

All I could picture was getting out there and screwing the whole thing up, making her more angry with me somehow.

I focused on what I was gonna say.

Even as Donnie, Joey, Jordan, Danny, and Jon were led out to the main stage. "Don't worry," Donnie said, seeing the paling of my face. He patted my back, "You speak your piece, you apologize. It's the most you can do. If she isn't interested after that, at least you can tell 'em all that you did your best." He sighed. "Sometimes that's the best we can do is our best."

"Thanks," I answered.

He nodded. "And Carter?"

"Yeah?"

"You pull crap like this again to one of my Sisters and I'll have to kill ya." He grinned, then ducked out of the green room, following after the other guys.

I listened to them perform, listened to Ellen interviewing them, every moment my stomach churning because I knew once they got to this certain point I'd get my cue and I, too, would be ushered out of the green room and out into the studio to face my fears.

And the moment came too quickly.

"And next up on my line up I have a guy who proves that although women are able to fake orgasms, men are capable of faking whole relationships..." The audience laughed. One particularly amused girl let out a shriek. Ellen paused in her speech, grinning into the camera. Her eyes glistened. "Seriously, though, isn't it true, Donnie?" she looked over at him. The camera swung to Donnie.

"Hey don't get me involved in this," he said, waving his hands and grinning.

Ellen laughed, "Aw you're scared now, you're scared. It's okay Donnie, I'm not out to get you. I don't bite."

"Thank God for that."

"Okay so my next guest is a friend of yours."

"Yeah he is!" Jonathan said enthusiastically.

Joey, Jordan and Danny just nodded. Donnie nodded, shrugged, then nodded, "Yeah I guess you could say that. We were more competitive than friends. You know."

Ellen looked over. "Competitive? You beat each other up ever, Donnie?"

"After hearing what he's about to talk to you about I thought about it seriously," Donnie chuckled.

"Cos the Wahlberg temper... I mean..."

"I knowww, I know..." Donnie laughed.

"He's beat me up," Jordan laughed.

"Dude my toddler beats you up," Joey said.

"That's not good," Ellen chuckled.

"Joey's toddler is like Xena Warrior Princess," Jordan supplied.

Ellen laughed, too. "Well anyway, here he is... Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys."

I got up from the couch I was sitting on in the green room and travelled through the backstage hallway and out onto the set. As I stepped into the blinding studio lights, making my way across the hardwood flooring of the set toward the chairs Donnie and Ellen sat in, Ellen stood up and Get Another Boyfriend played over the loudspeaker.

"You really dug in the vault for that one, huh?" I laughed as Ellen held out a hand to shake mine and I sat down. More than half of the audience members were screaming and freaking out. Ellen looked out and motioned for them to quiet down as she lowered into her seat. She pulled her feet up onto the cushions, sitting Indian style.

"I wanted to give you a proper enterance for your harrowing tale," she sad.

I nodded, "I guess that one is a good one."

"So tell me this story, what happened exactly?"

I scanned my eyes across the audience until I spotted Becky, who was sitting in the third row next to Ricky. Her eyes were wide, her jaw dropped. I looked right at her. "I had this really stupid bet with a friend of mine and because of it, I've lost the best thing that's ever happened to me," I said. I turned to Ellen. "And I'm here to apologize to every woman I've ever wronged."

Ellen chortled. "Every woman? Oh Nick. What happened? Did you learn the law about women? We might not hit harder but we'll always hit lower." She winked and the audience whooped with laughter.

Joey chuckled beside me, "I'll attest to that."

"You telling us something about Barrett, there Joe?" Jordan quipped.

"See, the New Kids know," Ellen gestured at them. "They've been around the block and stuff. You know?"

I laughed, "Yeah they have. Cos they're old."

"Hey now," Donnie laughed.

"But seriously," I said, looking over at Becky again, "I just realized that I'll never be able to be really sorry until I've apologized... to every single one of the girls I've ever hurt."

Donnie laughed, "Every single one? Oh Jesus. We're gonna be here awhile."