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Chapter Two: N8ThaGR38, meet Ki10zRsexxxi


I shot off about fifteen emails in under an hour of being connected. This was ridiculously easy. One charming note after another to one pretty girl after another. I could almost feel the anticipation of back-to-back-to-back-to-back holes-in-one if you catch my drift. I was gonna woop Chris's sorry ass into oblivion. I cackled evilly as I logged into the Yahoo Messanger account AJ had set up for me, and waited, fully expecting some girl to message me offering sex.

Any moment now, I thought, waiting.

After several long moments passed without so much as a spam bot IMing me, I decided to check and make sure it was operating properly. I IMed myself.

N8ThaGR38: hi
N8ThaGR38: hi
N8ThaGR38: u better buy condoms son cuz ur gonna get laiiiiiiid...
N8ThaGR38: u better buy condoms son cuz ur gonna get laiiiiiiid...

I laughed to myself. Then it occurred to me that my own joke might be wisdom. When was the last time I'd invested in fresh condoms? I wondered. I jumped up and trampled up the steps quickly, my quest for a girl to IM me lost in the panic of what if someone did and I wasn't prepared? I needed to be like a Boy Scout, I thought. Always preprared.

In my upstairs bathroom, the one connected to my guest room (where all the random sex I had took place, my bedroom bed was for sleeping only), and ripped open the cupboard over the sink. There was the Trojan man smiling at me. His expiration date was good but there was only three left in there. I stared into the box like Pooh Bear into an empty pot of "Hunny".

"It's a good thing I thought of this," I muttered. I opened my phone and sent myself a quick reminder to buy condoms.

On the way back to the computer, I detoured to the kitchen, grabbed and sandwich from my fridge and a handful of Oreos from my cupboard. I carried them back out to the computer, shoving cookies in my mouth as I walked. I stuffed all four of them in there at once. My lips wouldn't meet in the front.

I saw from across the room that I'd received a new message. I sprang forward, cookie flying out of my mouth and hitting the desk. I wiped it away with my sleeve.

Ki10zRsexxxi: Hello sexy
Ki10zRsexxxi: whats up?
Ki10zRsexxxi: u there?

I liked that there were three Xs in her name. Things with three Xs were usually pretty slutty. I grinned. I was so winning this bet with Chris. I was so getting laid. I was so gonna need more condoms.

N8thaGr38: well hey there ki10z how u doing girl? ;)

The winky face, I figured, would be the IM-equivilent of the Carter Grin. It would show I had a boyish charm. I waited.

Ki10zRsexxxi: lol

Lol? Really? She laughed at me? Pff. I was still trying to chew my cookies. I leaned back, my teeth fighting to break through the Oreos. I decided Ki10z was probably really dumb. Probably a blonde with big boobs and a laugh like a retarded ostrich. I shook my head. Even online I could really pick'em. Which is why I'd ended up a devoted bachelor to begin with: my affinity for picking out psycho paths.

I mean the list of psychos I've dated is a mile long. Highlights include Mandah Willaford and Parish Hilton. Those ones were psychos with a capital PSYCHOS and a bullet and underline and bold italics.

Ki10zRsexxxi: purrrrrrrrr

The fuck is that?

I decided I needed to investigate this one more so I clicked on her Yahoo profile. She was indeed a blonde (bottle, obviously bleached, she had dark brown eyebrows) and the photo of her was her wearing a cat costume. It was skin tight. She did indeed have big boobs. I couldn't verify the ostrich laugh, but otherwise I was dead on. Psycho or not though, the girl was dead sexy. I grinned. She was doable.

N8ThaGR38: Nice pic ;)
Ki10zRsexxxi: thx
Ki10zRsexxxi: where u from?

I had Beverly Hills typed before I realized that was a little swanky for Nate. Nate wouldn't live in the Hills. I backspaced.

N8ThaGR38: la
Ki10zRsexxxi: nice me to
N8ThaGR38: were like neighbors
Ki10zRsexxxi: ur pretty sexy
Ki10zRsexxxi: want to have sex?

This was too easy.

N8ThaGR38: yes.

Chris was so stupid. I'd spent less than two hours and already had a woman wanting sex. This was the feminine sexual revolution - Chris was just pathetic for not being able to find a slutty girl to sleep with. It was like they were all turning over a new, clothingless leaf and looking for mates everywhere. I thank Sex in the City for the phenomenon. Girls were just ready to go these days. Chris was just stupid. And kind of ugly.

I swear Chris would have a hard time getting laid in a brothel.

I should buy two boxes of condoms, I decided.

Nate was really good at this scoring sex thing.

Ki10zRsexxxi: okay u start
Ki10zRsexxxi: what r u wearing

Wait what?

N8ThaGR38: um jeans
Ki10zRsexxxi: *pulls them off u*

Oh Jesus. This was not what I had in mind. Cyber sex wasn't sex. It was awkward.

Ki10zRsexxxi: purrrr
Ki10zRsexxxi: *pulls ur boxers off too*
Ki10zRsexxxi: ohhhhh n888888

I stared at the screen. I literally couldn't absorb what I was reading. Seriously? She couldn't even type out the name to fake moan? Seriously?

Then she said some other action stuff - stuff I won't even repeat 'cos it was just that awkward and gross - and even I, the king of the sexual innuendos, felt my face growing red. I spit out the last of the Oreos I was still chewing and reached for the mouse. I clicked the X on the IM and went for the buddylist and signed off quickly. My heart pounded like I'd just run a mile. I rolled away from the desk in my office chair.

"Bitches be crazy," I muttered under my breath.