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Chapter Six: Granny Porn Model


I felt dirty. I wanted a shower. I wanted twelve showers. I wanted to use that girly body wash that my ex had left under the sink in my bathroom just to get the stink off me. I wanted to roll around in peroxide.

But I got back to LA just in time to log onto WOW and meet up with Princess Neryls. So I skipped my shower and I threw my bag onto the floor and turned on my computer. As it fired up, I shot a text to Chris.

Tied Score.

I wasn't gonna give him any details. But just in case he asked at some point, I'd spent the three hours home trying to convince myself that I'd just had sex with a Barbie doll woman with a sun-kissed tan and thighs like steel.

Within ten minutes I'd logged into WOW and guided my little gnome into the bar in town and I waited for Princess Neryls to login and join me. It occurred to me when I noticed it was a little after 7:00 and she hadn't come in that I didn't know what time zone she lived in. She could've been from anywhere in the world and have no clue what time I meant when I said seven.

"Damn it," I muttered.

My phone vibed. Chris replying to my text.

About to be 2-1.

I sighed. All that I'd been through with Monica and I still hadn't wrapped up the score? Damn. It was okay though, just because I was out to a rocky start didn't mean that I was gonna lose. It just meant AJ's idea of the internet being my source was probably not the brightest one he'd ever had. All I'd managed to do so far was get two freaky girls to contact me.

Oh and also to waste a lot of time on WOW.

Clearly I was gonna have to revert back to the more classic way of picking up women. I needed to go to a club so I could screen them and make sure they were up to par before trying to take them home. Club ladies were usually after one thing anyways and I was gonna be there for'em to provide it. It would take no time at all, I thought, to hook-line-and-sinker enough to take the lead back from Chris with a considerable margin.

After all, I might be telling the ladies that my name was Nate Crosby but I still had the sexual magnetism and physique that belonged to Nick Carter.

I heard a chime and looked up. I had a new message from Princess Neryls.

[PrincessNeryls] says: Dude, are you EVER at your keyboard? everytime I find your you're AFK.
[NatetheGreat] says: I'm not AFK

Seriously in the thirty seconds it took me to look down and read Chris's text message she'd managed to come into the bar and find me. She had a pet bear with her. I'd seen the bear on her profile but from that graphic I'd thought he was a cub. This was a full grown ursa major she had with her.

Impressive.

[NatetheGreat] says: Nice bear
[PrincessNeryls] says: her name is Taka-Too

Another D&D reference. Damn. This chick was hardcore.

[NatetheGreat] says: like the Cloud Bear
[PrincessNeryls] says: yep
[NatetheGreat] says: very cool
[NatetheGreat] says: you give my offer any thought?
[PrincessNeryls] says: I need to get to know you more before I decide to join you or not. See if you're worthy of my assistance and stuff. If I'm gonna get sick of you ten minutes after we start questing its a moot point and im gonna have to kill you off anyways.
[NatetheGreat] says: ok what do you want to know
[PrincessNeryls] says: and u gotta get better with this AFK shit.
[NatetheGreat] says: I wasn't afk just now
[PrincessNeryls] says: where are u from?
[NatetheGreat] says: Azeroth
[PrincessNeryls] says: IRL idiot
[NatetheGreat] says: LA
[NatetheGreat] says: u?

She didn't reply. I waited. I watched her avatar stand there with it's bear. After a couple long moments had passed, I typed:

[NatetheGreat] says: now whose AFK?
[NatetheGreat] says: maybe you should get better with the AFK shit
[NatetheGreat] says: Im just saying
[PrincessNeryls] says: how would u feel about a rondevous?

Now it was my turn to stare at the screen. After my experience with Monica from San Diego, I wasn't sure how I felt about meeting up with someone else from the Internet just now. I chewed my lip.

[NatetheGreat] says: how old r u?
[PrincessNeryls] says: does it matter?
[NatetheGreat] says: a little
[PrincessNeryls] says: then how old are you?

The fact that she didn't wanna answer scared me a little.

[NatetheGreat] says: omg your a grandmother arent you?
[PrincessNeryls] says: Are you one of those sickos that like grannies?
[NatetheGreat] says: ew
[PrincessNeryls] says: Im' just saying they make granny porn for a reason
[NatetheGreat] says: are you a granny porn model?
[PrincessNeryls] says: no
[PrincessNeryls] says: maybe someday
[PrincessNeryls] says: but not now
[NatetheGreat] says: How far from being a granny porn model are you? In years I mean?
[PrincessNeryls] says: decades.
[NatetheGreat] says: like 4+ decades?
[PrincessNeryls] says: maybe even 5
[NatetheGreat] says: but your legally of age to be a regular porn model now?
[PrincessNeryls says: yeah
[NatetheGreat] says: So your from LA too
[PrincessNeryls] says: or the surrounding areas
[PrincessNeryls] says: So?
[NatetheGreat] says: What did u have in mind for the rondevous?
[PrincessNeryls] says: theres a smoothie shop on central
[NatetheGreat] says: fresh oasis...ya i kno that place
[PrincessNeryls] says: well go there tomorrow around lunch
[PrincessNeryls] says: ill be there
[NatetheGreat] says: How will i know its u?
[PrincessNeryls] says: youll know.
[PrincessNeryls has logged out.]

And just like that she'd left.

I stared at the spot on my screen where her avatar had been moments before, which was now empty. I sighed and logged out of WOW and checked my email. I had two emails from Monica from San Diego which reminded me of the horrors that I'd been through earlier and I quickly deleted the emails and jumped up, pulling off my clothes as I jogged up the steps, leaving them wherever they landed when I dropped them. I turned the shower on to the absolute hottest setting it could go to and let it scald the memories of Monica from San Diego off my skin.

I leaned against the wet ceramic interior of the shower as the water beat down on my back. I closed my eyes.

I wondered what PrincessNeryls would look like in real life, if she'd be anything like her avatar, if she'd turn out to be a fifty-seven year old man.

Not that it mattered. The rondevous with PrincessNeryls had nothing to do with my bet with Chris. After the drama with Monica from San Diego, I'd realized there had to be a line drawn in the sand.

PrincessNeryls was one of those lines.

She seemed like way too much of a bitch to even think about banging anyways.

Something had to be wrong with her.

Obviously.

I was still pretty certain she was gonna turn out to be a dude somehow.