Fourteen

"Alright, let’s look at it this way… you’ve told me all of the reasons why you COULD do this book. How about you tell me why you feel you can’t do it?"

I sighed and looked across the short distance between Kevin and me as we sat in his back yard talking. I flopped backward onto the lounge I was sitting on and put my hands over my face as I groaned, "I don’t know, Kev…"

"Sure you do…" he said with a slight chuckle in his voice. "Tell me why."

I laughed and sang at him, "Tell me whyeeeee…" He groaned and I giggled. "Sorry…" I sighed again and rolled over onto my side and perched my head up on my hand. "I’m afraid."

"Okay," Kevin said quietly in his best concerned voice. "What is it that you’re afraid of?"

"Everything… I’m afraid of fucking up, of not doing a good enough job.  Of letting you guys down… I’m afraid of touring…"

Kevin smiled, "Okay let’s break that down. First of all, you’re not going to fuck up, none of us would let you." I smiled slightly and continued watching him as he spoke. "Second, I know you’ll do a ‘good enough’ job. You’ll do better than that. Those pictures that you gave for the auction… You took those pictures when you were just a kid, and they were great. Since then your work has only gotten better, so I can only imagine what amazing things you could do with this book." I looked away from Kevin’s eyes at his compliment and played with the fabric covering the cushion on the lounge. "I mean it, Kel…"

"I know…"

"Good. Now as for letting us down? Not possible. Which leaves touring…. You’ve toured with us before, what’s scaring you about it now?"

I sighed and laid face down on the lounge and hid my face. "Why do you DO that?"

"What?" Kevin laughed.

"You figure out what I’m saying even when I don’t know what I’m saying…" I mumbled against the cushion and then turned my head to the side to look at him as I crossed my arms and used them as a pillow.

"I’m just good that way I suppose…" he smiled.  "Now why are you scared of touring?"

"I don’t know… things are just so much more different since the last time I toured with you. And even then, I only toured for a month. This is a whole year, Kev. What if something happens on tour and I start fighting with one of you? You know how I get…"

Kevin smiled and laughed, "I wouldn’t let you fight with anyone, BECAUSE I know how you get."

"What if I fought with you?"

Kevin made a face at me and I rolled my eyes, "Have we ever fought in eight years?"

"No…" I pouted.

"You do realize that your reasons for doing this book are by far outweighing your reasons for not doing it don’t you?" I nodded silently and Kevin watched me. "There’s something else…"

"Yeah…" I responded quietly.

"What is it?"

"What if I lose my best friend?"

*****

I sat across the table from AJ and he was grinning like a child on Christmas morning that was waiting for the go ahead to open his presents. I smiled and took a drink, "I can’t believe you haven’t asked."

"I’m being good… but it’s difficult," he laughed.

"You can ask."

AJ leaned forward resting his arms on the table and grabbed my hands in his, "So are you gunna do it?"

I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. "Answer me a question first?"

"Anything…"

"If I take this job…" I looked down at our hands and played with the silver ring on one of his fingers. "If I take it… can you promise that it won’t change us? Or at least that you’ll do your share in making sure that it doesn’t change us?"

"Kel…"

I looked up into his eyes and sighed, "I’m serious AJ. I’m terrified that I’ll accept this job and it’ll be great for like six months and then we’ll get sick of being around each other and it’ll ruin what we have. I would turn this job down in a heartbeat if you have any doubts about what it might do to us."

AJ smiled gently and held my hands in his tighter, "Do you know how much I love you?" I smiled and nodded, "Then you know how much I want you to go on this tour with us. With me… I’d never let something like a tour come between us. I know that you can do this book and that it will be amazing. But if you’re really scared of what it’ll do to us, then don’t do it. I don’t want you to be worried like this."

I sighed again and looked back at his hands, "I want to do it… I’m just afraid of what it might do to all of my friendships with you guys, but especially you."

"We’ve survived eleven years together, I’d like to think we’ve already been through the worst…" AJ and I both chuckled and I looked back up at him. "We’ll be okay…"

"Are you sure?" I asked, still not totally convinced.

"Boy Scout’s honor," he grinned.

"Honey?"

"Yeah?"

"You were never a Boy Scout," I laughed.

"Girl Scout’s honor?"

I giggled and shook my head, "You’re too much, McLean…"

"That’s why you love me, Johnson…"

"Yeah and?"

"Just stating the facts…"

I grinned and took a deep breath, "Well I’ve got two facts for you…"

"Oh yeah? Shoot…"

I leaned across the small table to kiss AJ gently on the cheek, "I love you…" He smiled and I sat back down, "… and I’ll do the book."