Eighteen

I woke up one morning to the sound of Jack and Vegas wrestling each other on the floor of AJ’s bedroom. Their little growls in between yelps and thuds on the floor while although humorous, pulled me out of a deep comfortable slumber and I wasn’t amused at that. I whined and covered my head with a pillow trying to muffle the puppy sounds so that I could go back into my happy sleep world, but it didn’t work. Picking my head up I looked toward AJ’s side of the bed to whine and then stopped when I realized that he wasn’t there. I’m sure the look on my face was priceless as I lay there on my stomach looking at his empty side of the bed. I couldn’t figure out when he’d left. I vaguely remembered him kissing my forehead and telling me that he was going somewhere, but I assumed it was a dream.

Apparently it wasn’t a dream though and I rolled over and sat up looking around the room with a yawn. "Hey!" I finally called out in frustration to the dogs and they stopped their WWF imitation and looked up at the bed. "Cut it out…" Jack wagged his tiny puppy butt and attempted to jump up onto the bed yet fell short and I shook my head and leaned over the edge of the bed to pick him up. "Where the hell did Daddy go? Huh?" He just looked at me with his little pink tongue hanging out of his mouth as he panted and I shook my head. "You’re useless…"

I racked my brain on where AJ was as I got up to take a shower and had pretty much decided that I’d had entirely too much to drink the night before because I simply couldn’t remember anything that he’d said to me when he’d left that morning. Once dry and dressed I made my way downstairs and sat down at the kitchen table jotting down ideas for the Backstreet book, and making lists of things that I still needed to do before we left on tour.

I made a list of things that I knew in my head that I wanted to make sure to capture on film for the book. I played with the idea of having a section for each of the Boys doing the same thing over and over. Like Howie winking, or Brian making a certain face. I giggled to myself wondering how many times in the first week of touring that I could catch AJ thrusting his hips at something or someone. I lost myself making notes and doodling along side of them while Jack and Vegas napped near my feet and I ran my bare toes over their fur. When the telephone rang interrupting my thoughts I got up to answer it giggling at how I’d jumped at the sound of the phone.

"What’s so funny?" AJ laughed at the sound of my giggle.

"You…" I smiled and leaned up against the counter.

"Me?"

"Yeah… it’s a complicated story and I’m hung over so I’m not going to explain."

"Oh okay then…" he giggled and I smiled.  "How are you?"

"I’m alright, and yourself?"

"Not too shabby… Missing you though." A familiar rush of love surged through my body and I closed my eyes listening to him. "What are you up to?"

"Working on ideas for the book. Baby? Where the hell are you?"

He laughed loudly, "I didn’t think you were really awake when I left… I’m in my car."

"And where might your car be smart ass?"

"On the highway…" he chuckled.

"AJ…" I sighed.

"Sorry… I’m on my way to meet my mom for that interview with People magazine remember?"

I rubbed my forehead as things started making sense. "That’s today. God, whatever you gave me to drink last night, don’t give me again. I can barely remember my own name right now…"

"Why don’t you go back to bed then? I won’t be home for another few hours. I’m about half way to Orlando right now and the interview I’m guessing will be at least three hours with all of the pictures and shit. Get some rest, then I’ll come home and we can have dinner together and watch movies all night or something."

"Age?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah baby…"

"Tell me again why you’re not already in Orlando?"

"Oh shit, you ARE out of it…" he giggled. "I was with Nick. Remember I told you that he and I had made plans to hang out in the studio for a few hours working on that song that I want to put on the Johnny CD?"

"You were with Nick?"

"Yep… oh, and Kel?  I know that we were going to tell all of the guys about us while we were together, but I kind of let it slip today with Nick."

"You told him about us?" I asked as my heart began beating rapidly.

"Yeah. He asked me why I was so hyper and made a crack about how I must have gotten laid and when I didn’t argue he asked who and I just blurted it out."

My eyes closed and I shook my head not believing what I was hearing, "He… What… How did he react?"

"He was alright. I think a little shocked, but nothing major."

Nothing major my ass. "What did he say though?" I sighed running my hand through my wet hair.

"I don’t know, baby… he just said it was cool."

"How? Did he say ‘That’s cool…’ or just ‘Cool’?"

"Baby, go back to bed… he’s cool with it."

"AJ I need to know how he said it. You know just as well as I do that Nicky doesn’t always say what he feels. And because I wasn’t there to read his answer, I don’t…" I sighed and took a deep breath. "How did he say it?"

He was silent for a moment and then spoke gently, "I think he said ‘Cool… that’s good for you… congratulations, she’s a great girl.’ Or something along those lines. I’m sorry that I didn’t wait for you... I…"

"It’s okay…" I said quietly.

"You alright?"

I nodded as if he could see me and closed my eyes knowing full well that I wasn’t okay. "Yeah… I’ve just got a lot on my mind I guess. I was thinking about getting out of the house this afternoon. You know, enjoy my freedom a bit before I’ve got a bodyguard all of a sudden."

"Yeah, that’s a good idea. Get some rest too though okay?"

"I will… If I’m not back before you get home, you can pick out the movies okay?"

I could practically hear his smile through the phone, "Okay…"

"Tell mom I said hi too… and treat the photographer good…"

"Always. I love you, baby…"

"I love you too…" I hung up the phone and fell back into my chair at the table with a thud. My heart felt heavy and I picked up my pen twirling it between my fingers as I stared out of the window. I shook my head trying to clear it of thoughts of Nick and looked back down to my notebook but sighed as I saw his name. When AJ had called I’d been on the list of Nick things I wanted to get on film and as my eyes re-read the items, tears filled my eyes. I’m not sure how long I sat there crying, and part of me didn’t even know why I was crying. But after a while I forced myself to stop the tears and stood up grabbing a set of keys from AJ’s collection, and headed out to the car, stopping only momentarily to grab my things.