Dark Times In Still Waters
Chapter 35
By Dottie
Copyright 2014
By Friday, Teagan is a basket case of nerves. She finally managed to get through most of the binder of news articles and her hatred had turned to pity. Her natural, nurturing instincts took over and she sees what Penny and everyone else tried to tell her. She wasn’t a target. She hadn’t done anything to provoke him.
But it still didn’t take away the anger. The anger she has boiling inside of her because in her mind, her life was destroyed in the blink of an eye by someone who should have been hospitalized and committed before performing such a dastardly deed.
That anger is directed at Caroline Tate-Smith. John Tate was her younger step-brother. In an interview she did weeks after the shooting, she admitted that her family had contemplated committing him, but the shame of labeling him mentally unstable was too much for her parents to take.
Their shame ruined her life. She dresses for her meeting with Penny, not sure what to expect. Penny seems determined that she can forgive and forget and move on. But how can she forgive now that she knows it all could have....should have...been prevented.
As she's tying a scarf around her neck, her phone rings. She picks it up, smiling when she sees Nat's name on the caller ID. She answers with a quiet, "Hey Nat. How's your trip?"
Natalie laughs. "Amazing. I have to admit I love Brian's little impromptu getaway."
Teagan sits on the edge of her bed. "I'm glad you're having fun. How's the weather?"
Natalie sighs. "I love the ocean. I'm thrilled he invited me to come to California for Thanksgiving. His house is right on the beach."
Teagan laughs. "Yes I know....you told me yesterday. And the day before."
Natalie laughs. "OK, OK, I'm sorry. I can't help it."
Teagan laughs with her, but her laughter dies. "Nat I'm glad you're having fun but...I'm going to have to cut this short. My next appointment..."
Natalie butts in. "That's why I'm calling. I feel horrible you convinced me to leave you alone for Thanksgiving. Are you ok? Did you read the articles?"
Teagan's voice hardens. "I did."
Natalie continues cautiously. "Teagan, talk to me."
Teagan feels tears sting her eyes. "Nat...I can't. Not...yet."
Natalie sighs. "I do understand. Have you talked to Kevin?"
Teagan picks at a string on her comforter. "No...I...Nat, I need you and Kevin to give me space to deal with this. I love you, I really do. But I need to do this on my own."
Natalie's worry comes across in her voice. "Teag..."
Teagan cuts her off. "Enjoy your time with Brian and I’ll see you Sunday. And don't call me...I'll call you. I promise."
Before she can hang up, Natalie murmurs, "I love you Teag."
Once she's settled in Penny's office, her counselor gives her a knowing look. "You read the articles." Teagan nods, not speaking. "And now you've turned your anger from John Tate to his family."
Teagan lets her anger boil over. "They knew he was sick! Why didn't they put him where he couldn't hurt anyone? Or himself? For God's sake, they want to talk about shame? They would have been shamed to have him labeled. What about me? What about my shame?"
Penny leans forward, propping her arms on her desk. "Don't you think they still feel shame, Teagan? Shame at what he did? Only their shame is also laced with guilt."
Teagan folds her arms across her chest. "They should feel guilty."
Penny leans back. "Teagan, they can't change what happened. How do you think his step-sister feels knowing she was the target of his rage and yet you and all the others were the ones that got hurt?"
Teagan's anger falters. "What...why would she be the target?"
Penny shakes her head. "You didn't read the last few articles, did you?"
Teagan shrugs. "They all seemed to say the same thing. I figured...why?"
Penny sighs quietly. "They found a journal he kept in his room. He was mad because he overheard her talking to their parents. She convinced them to commit him for an evaluation. She was trying to get him the help he desperately needed."
Teagan feels the blood drain from her face. "She...we have the same color hair. He...he thought I was Caroline!"
Penny nods. "That's the theory. He was high too so he may have thought you were attacking him. With him dead, we'll never know for sure." She sees Teagan shiver and she says, "Teagan, what kind of person is Caroline Tate-Smith? I mean, did you like her?"
Teagan nods slowly. "Yes. She's...she's a wonderful teacher. We...we always had a good working relationship."
Penny stands and walks around the desk, leaning against it. "Don't you think she's suffering every day because of what happened to you? Because of what he did?"
Tears flood Teagan's eyes and her breath lodges in her throat. In a husky whisper, she says, "She came to me! At the school. I remember she was holding my hand and crying that she was sorry. She kept saying she was sorry."
Penny grabs her hand. "Teagan, as long as you're angry, you won't heal and she won't heal. You need to let it go...and you need to forgive." Teagan looks down at her lap, not sure what to say. Penny continues softly. "Teagan, do you know what I did six months after Derrick was shot?"
Teagan shakes her head. "What?"
Penny sighs. "I went to the prison to face the man that shot my husband."
Teagan's eyes widen. "What happened?"
Penny shrugs. "He was a hard-nosed criminal. He was happy he shot my husband. Bragged about it. I just looked him in the eye and I knew if I held onto the grudge my marriage would never last. So I stood my ground and told him I forgave him. He didn't know what to say. I turned and walked away and never looked back."
Teagan gasps. "You forgave him?"
Penny shakes her head slowly. "No, I don’t think I ever really did. But he doesn't know that. He didn't care that he hurt Derrick and he almost ruined our marriage. He wasn't unstable and out of control. He's a cold blooded killer and he almost took my husband. I had to let go of the hate and facing him helped me realize I was lucky I still had Derrick. My children still have their father. That's all that matters. Now you have to accept that even though you’re scarred, you alive. And that’s something to be grateful for. Your friends and family are grateful. Kevin is grateful. In time you will be too.”
Teagan shakes her head. “I don’t know if I can. Even if I did, I don’t know that I can ever fit into Kevin’s world. He…He’s in the spotlight all the time. I don’t know…if I can…”
Penny smiles. “We do need to talk about Kevin, Teagan. He had his second session this morning. Would you like to know what happened?”
Teagan’s eyes widen. “He’s in town? Now? Why didn’t he call me?”
Penny sighs loudly. “Because you asked him not to. You told him you needed to do this on your own and as hard as it is for him, he’s holding back and letting you.”
Teagan looks down and sniffles. “I did tell him I needed space. I just…”
Penny smiles. “You just hoped he’d ignore you and call anyway, huh?”
Nodding, Teagan whispers, “He wouldn’t leave me alone on the ship or even after the cruise. I don’t know why…”
Penny interrupts her. “You thought he’d keep calling and it would give you an excuse to hold him at bay.”
Teagan explores her own inner feelings before nodding. “You’re right.” She whispers softly, “Penny, how can I let go and move on? You say it like it’s so easy. Then I get up and look in the mirror…”
Penny reaches out and takes her hand. “Teagan, you’ll have bad days, I won’t lie. Derrick still does. I still do. But then I look at the people I love and I realize I’m here for a reason and I still have Derrick with me. That’s all that really matters. Tell me something, do you believe in God?”
Teagan stands, moving to look out the window. “I did…before it happened. I still did after, but I was mad at Him. I blamed Him too, for what happened to me.” She stares down into the parking lot and sees a familiar face. Kevin, leaning against a car, his head down as if he’s deep in thought. She feels warmth spread through her body like she’s wrapped in a blanket of love. “Then He brought Kevin into my life and I got even madder at Him because Kevin deserves better than the likes of me.”
Penny hears Teagan sniffle and moves to stand beside her, smiling when she sees Kevin’s standing there. He was hoping Penny could convince Teagan to at least see him for a few minutes. Putting her hand on Teagan’s shoulder, Penny says, “Why don’t you let Kevin decide who he needs in his life, Teagan? He loves you. He wants to be with you.”
Teagan stares down at him. “Why is he here?”
Penny sighs. “He’s been here all along. He’s staying in town in case you need him. He had a session this morning and was hoping if he hung around he’d get to see you.”
Teagan’s head snaps around. “He’s been here the whole time?”
Penny nods. “You asked him to give you space. It’s killing him, but he’s doing it.” Teagan’s gaze moves back to Kevin as Penny whispers, “Don’t push him away anymore Teagan. Talk to him. Be honest with him about everything. He needs it as much as you. He needs to know you trust him enough to carry part of the load when you feel like you can’t go on.”
Teagan sniffles. “But it’s not fair to him to have to deal with this.”
Penny shakes her head. “No, it’s not fair of you to try to do it alone. Not when you have people that love you and just want to be with you. That’s what people do for the ones they love. They share the load.”
Teagan sighs, tears slipping down her cheeks. Suddenly, Kevin looks up and sees her. Their eyes lock and he smiles. Teagan feels the weight of the world lift off her shoulders when he blows her a kiss. She whispers softly, “Penny, I want to see him.”
Penny smiles brightly, waving for Kevin to come up. He bolts from the car at a run, as if he’s afraid she’ll change her mind. Penny pats Teagan’s shoulder. “I think we’re through for the day. Why don’t you and Kevin spend the afternoon together and talk?”
Teagan looks at her. “But…I thought…”
Penny shrugs. “Next Tuesday we’re going to talk about Caroline Tate-Smith. For now, I think you need to relax and spend the weekend with Kevin. I hope you two talk about it, but even if you don’t, this will still be good for you. You shouldn’t have spent Thanksgiving alone. So make up for it this weekend with Kevin.”
Teagan throws her arms around her therapist’s neck, much to the shock of them both, and she whispers, “Thank you Penny.”
Penny pats her back. “It’s not over yet, Teagan. But I have faith in you. You’re doing a lot better than I thought you would. Now, why don’t you go meet him halfway?”
Teagan nods quickly. “Yes…I…I want to. Thank you Penny. See you Tuesday.”
Penny watches the girl run from the office with a smile on her face. Her smile quickly fades. Tuesday will be the hardest day yet. Teagan doesn’t know it but she’s going to go back to the school. Back to where it happened. And she’s going to meet Caroline Tate-Smith face to face.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm sorry I haven't updated. Been down with a bad back for a few days now. Haven't even turned the computer on. Gonna post 2 or 3 chapters today if I have time. Hope you're still with me!! ~ D
Chapter End Notes:
Let me know! ~ D
