“Lay, babe, you okay?” Kristin asked, moving closer to Baylee and me. I smiled at her and nodded.
“I’m good Kris, thanks for asking. How was yours and Kev’s trip?” I asked, turning towards her.
“Long,” She started, I giggled and nodded, “But not as long as yours. How’s the businesses going?”
“Ah, they’re going good actually. Always busy, so that’s the best thing. I’m thinking about opening another tattoo shop, possibly out here. I have a couple of people that called from LA about looking for a new owner.” I said, feeling Baylee stir against me.
“That’s amazing babe. You have turned into such an amazing woman.” She said with a big smile.
“Awh, Kris.” I said, wrapping one arm around her, hugging her lovingly. “That means so much to me. I’m so happy you’re in my life.”
“Me, too, babe.” She said, as AJ called about the grill being ready. I stood up and grabbed a towel, putting it around Baylee. I laid him on the patio bed that was in the shade. I wrapped the towel around me, and asked Nick where the food was. He said the steaks were in the fridge, and that I could fix whatever I wanted.
I walked inside and found the steaks in the refrigerator; I started seasoning and marinating them. I counted out enough for everyone to have a second serving. I heard someone come in the back door, and into the kitchen. I turned and saw AJ.
“Can we talk?” He wondered, opening the fridge and grabbing a water.
“What could there possibly be for us to talk about?” I questioned, before he started talking, “Grab the stuff for salad, the bacon, mushrooms, lil’ smokies, bell pepper and cream cheese will ya?” I asked looking over my shoulder. I heard him sigh while he opened the fridge again, grabbing ingredients for a salad, the pepper bacon wraps, and the mushroom bacon wraps. “Thanks.” I said, handing him the steaks.
He furrowed his eyebrows, but complied taking the steaks from me and walking outside. I exhaled heavily, as I cut the peppers open to deseed them. After finishing the peppers, I cut them into small logs, put cream cheese on them. I drained the lil smokies, and placed one on each slice of pepper and cream cheese then wrapping them in bacon. I put a toothpick through them so they would stay together.
I washed my hands and started on the mushrooms. I wrapped them in bacon, and placed them on a tray with the lil smokies and peppers. I turned with the tray and ran into AJ, luckily nothing fell, thank God. “Excuse me.” I said, not looking at him. I walked around him and out to the grill. I put the bacon wrapped mushrooms and lil smokies and peppers on the aluminum I had on the top rack, then closed the top.
“Whatcha cookin’ good lookin?” I heard Howie ask from behind me.
“Hey D, well, it appears to be a certain persons favorite food.” I said, showing him. His lips curled into a smile, as he wrapped his arms around me and picked me up! “Yes my Latina mix, yes! Wife! Wife! Guess what Lay fixed us!”
“What?” She wondered, perking up.
“Smokies and peppers!” He exclaimed, as she got out the pool in a hurry and wrapped her arms around Howie, jumping up and down. I giggled and watched as they walked backwards and fell into the pool. I laughed, watching the two of them in such a love like that. One love I could only hope for, but luck hasn’t been too much on my side.
I flipped the steaks, and made sure the others wasn’t burning. I heard a woman’s voice who I didn’t know of. I looked to my right and saw AJ coming out with a brunette woman. I furrowed my eyebrows and nodded to myself, looking in my bag for a cigarette. I grabbed one and lit it quickly, taking in the toxins.
“Hey Kaci.” I heard AJ call, “Think you can grab the jug of sweet tea from the fridge?”
“Oh sure, be right back.” She said, leaning up and kissing him. I chuckled, and walked to the patio chair that was beside Baylee. He was still passed out, bless his heart.
“What are your plans for tomorrow Lay?” Leighanne asked, pulling my glance from Baylee.
“I have to go into Hollywood tomorrow and meet with a band I’m supposed to be producing.” I said, with a small smile. She nodded and grinned.
“Do you know who the band is?” She wondered, I shook my head.
“No, Gary didn’t tell me.” I said solemnly, before I stood up and took the last drag of my cigarette. I walked out to the shoreline of the beach and breathed in the salt water. I threw my cigarette butt into the ocean and turned around, seeing AJ standing there, “Yes?”
“Can we please talk? I have a lot of explaining to do.” He said, his eyes full of honesty.
“Sure, why not. It’s not like it’s going to change anything, Alexander.” I deadpanned, walking past him. He sighed, and caught up beside me.
“What happened back then was something I wish never happened.” He started, “I—You need to know how sorry I am. I know I hurt you a lot, it’s something that I really wished I didn’t do. I’m sorry.”
I rolled my eyes, “No you’re not, Alexander. You could care less now just like you did back then. To put salt on the wound, did you know that the night I called you about dad leaving, he never came back? Did you know I lived with your mama and Tony until I turned 18?” I asked, looking at him.
“He left?” He asked, making me nod.
“He did, funny enough it’s just like everyone else.” I said, lighting a cigarette. “He left, you left, mom left, all I had was Denise and Tony, and I thank God each day for them.”
“I can’t believe that.” He whispered, his face contorting in a hurtful expression. “Mom didn’t even tell me.”
“I asked her not to. I wanted nothing to do with you, at all. I even hated to have to lean on Denise and Tony for help, but I had no one… not even my best friend who promised he’d always be there and never leave me behind.” I said, taking a drag of my cigarette.
“Mada please.” He whispered, stopping me. I shook my head, brushing his hand off my arm.
“What’s done is done. Even you wanted me out of your life, I still had a little bit of hope that you’d come back. Even if you didn’t want me in your life, I was still there—you saw me at Gram’s funeral and still didn’t speak, but that was okay. I really and truly didn’t expect anything from you, it just sealed the deal pretty much.” I said, walking back to the grill leaving him to take in the information.
“You okay Lay?” Kevin asked, wrapping his arm around my neck. I nodded and smiled, taking up the two makeshift aluminum foil tray I created that had the lil smokies and peppers, and the bacon wrapped mushrooms. I sat them in the pan, then checked the steaks. Once they were ready, I took them up and placed them in the pan as well.
“Food is ready!” I exclaimed, looking up at Kevin, who just smiled.
“Great, I’ll take that in for you. You finish your cigarette, we need to talk later as well.” He said, kissing my head. I nodded and watched him walk off. I closed the grill lid and walked to the chair that my clothes were in. I sat down, crossing my right leg over my left. I sighed heavily and took a drag.
“You coming in sweetie?” I heard Lauren ask from the backdoor. I looked at her and nodded, holding my cigarette up. She grinned and closed the door. I looked and saw AJ still outside. He was sitting on the diving board, with his head down.
I watched from far away the man that had broken my heart, fall apart. His body shook, he tried to be discreet about crying, but he wasn’t. I watched as he wiped under his eyes, I felt hot tears brimming mine as well. Even though I had so much hatred built up, the site broke my heart.
I bit my lip and stood up, before I could even acknowledge what was happening I was sitting behind him, my arms around his waist, my left cheek on the middle of his back. Why was I even in this position, why did I put myself in this position?
“I’m so sorry.” He whispered through his tears, his voice broke with every word. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I pushed away the one person that I had in my life that meant the world to me.” He placed his hand on my right one, squeezing it. “I have fucked up in more ways than one. Every problem I ever encountered was from the guilt that ate me alive each day. Everything I done to you, every word I said back then was permanently embedded in my mind.” He paused, “How could I have been so cruel to the one girl who was always there for me? I’m so ashamed of myself.”
“Problems?” I asked, “Alex what problems have you encountered from the guilt?”
“Every kind you can think of. Every single one stemmed from that night. When my counselor told me that the best way to deal with problems in the past was to face them in the future, I didn’t know that you were going to be here so soon.” He stated with a pregnant pause, “Nothing is your fault, you were always there for me. It was all my fault. I started doing drugs, I started drinking heavily—it was a demon that took over my body. The night I said all those things to you, I was drunk, high on cocaine… it made me into a person I didn’t want to be anymore." He paused, his voice breaking each time he spoke, "The next day, I heard the voicemail you left me, and my world fell apart. To everyone, the fans, the guys, I was fine, but inside I was dead. I know I hurt you, and when I had sobered up and come off my high and that message was there, it killed me. It would’ve been better if you would’ve took a gun and shot me in the heart.”
“Alex,” I whispered, “Please don’t say that. Please never say that again.”
“That’s how I feel.” He said, looking over his shoulder, then turned his body planting his feet on the concrete.
“Feel? As in present tense?” I questioned, he nodded as the tears fell out of his eyes.
“I still feel that way. I went years wanting to tell you everything, I wanted to tell you I was sorry for being that man that night. I never had it in my heart to hurt you, I never wanted to but I did and I lost you.” He said in tears. I pulled him in my arms, letting him cry on my shoulder. I wiped the tears that had rolled down my cheeks. “Nothing I say will ever take the hurt away. You’ll always hate me, nothing I do will ever make it better.”
“Alex, please.” I begged, running my left hand up and down his back trying to console him. “It’s going to take time, but everything will get better.”
“That’s what Lauren and Nick said, that’s what mom and Tony said, but I don’t think it will. Those demons are still in me, with each passing day they beg to come out.” He said, sitting up and wiping under his eyes. “What’s done is done, the only thing I can do is hope and pray that you forgive me.” And with that, he stood up and left, leaving me alone.
I grabbed my phone and texted Brian to ask him if he and Nick would come outside. In the matter of minutes, they were kneeled down in front of me. “He told me that he was high and drunk the night he said all those things. He said when he woke up that next morning and was sober he listened to the voicemail message I left him, he said it would’ve been better if I just had took a gun and shot him in the heart, he said it would’ve been easier, and he still feels that way.”
“Oh Lay,” Brian said wrapping his arms around me. The tears flowed out of my eyes heavily. Nick placed his hand in mine giving me a gentle ‘I’m here for you’ squeeze. “Age and I have talked about that. I went to counseling with him after he got out of rehab, I remember him telling everything to his counselor. Everything that’s happened stemmed from the drugs and drinking.”
“I remember him telling the counselor that what turned him to those things was the fact that he couldn’t cope with Lay not being able to go with us. He wanted her there more than anything, and when Lou said she couldn’t and she was the past, it tore him up. He needed a way out of everything. He loved to perform, he loved the fans, but he loved Lay with all his heart.” Nick said, sitting beside me.
“I think that if you and Age really talk, then you two could work things out. I remember back when all I heard about was you. I felt like you were a sister I never had. He kept a few pictures in his bunk, pictures of him and you, and ones of you alone. He cried every night after that night when he said everything. He knew he lost you.” Brian said, rubbing my back. I sat up and sighed, I knew that in the end I was the one that would have to push for recovery.
“To be honest, he still has all those pictures in his wallet; every single one that is in his bunk.” Nick said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “I know that hatred is thick and deep, but do you really hate him? After what he just confessed to you?”
“How can I? Deep down, I don’t think that the hate I thought was hate was exactly hate. Just hurt, betrayal; he wasn’t the only one who lost someone. I lost him too. It hurt to know that he could be that cruel and hateful towards me—he’s never been that way.” I confessed, looking at the two men. They prodded for me to go on, but what else could I say to make everything ligther? “I was there for him growing up. My mom and Denise were best friends, we were best friends, even though he was two years older than me. We had sleepovers, we were attached to the hip. I tried to shield him from the arguments that his dad and Denise had. I was there the night his dad walked out on him and Denise. I was there for the nights he cried himself to sleep over it. I was there when he said he hated his dad for leaving; he said he’d never leave me regardless, but he did. Just like everyone else.”
“We won’t ever leave you, Lay.” Brian said as he placed a kiss on my forehead. “You’re stuck with us forever.
“As long as I have your ladies with me, I’ll be fine.” I said making them two and myself laugh. I wiped my face and stood up. “If you two were me, what would yal do?”
“I would talk to him again. As much as he’s talked about you, I know that he’s really and truly sorry.” Brian said, making me nod.
“Okay. I’ll talk to him again.” I said, as the three of us walk back into Nick’s house. Baylee saw me, his eyes lit up, making me smile. I bent down and picked him up, kissing his cheek. “What’s up Buttercup? Did you eat good?”
He nodded his head, “Yes mam! You are the best cook ever!” He exclaimed, making me smile.
“Good. That’s what I live for, my little love.” I said, making him laugh. I saw a plate for me that was already fixed with a big blob of ketchup, too. I grabbed my plate and sat at the table, right beside AJ. He pulled the chair out for me, I smiled and told him thank you.
I sat down, Baylee moved in my lap and straddled my legs, laying his head on my shoulder again. Leighanne put a glass of tea in front of my plate. I thanked her and started eating. “Baylee you want to come with mommy?”
“He’s fine Leigh, I promise.” I said with a smile, “I’ve missed him.”
“Um, who is she?” The girl, Kaci, asked, looking at me with a sour look on her face.
“I’m Madalay Ramirez, sorry I didn’t introduce myself to you earlier.” I said being as civil as I could.
“Right, so why are you here?” She wondered, striking every nerve I had.
“For one, Lauren is my cousin, she invited me. And two, I’m on important business, so I needed a place to stay for a few days until I find out what my week is going to be entailed with. Is that okay with you?” I questioned, tilting my head and batting my eyelashes.
“Well, I’m here with AJ, he’s my man so don’t try to take him from me.” She seethed, making me furrow my eyebrows and looking at AJ for answers. I put my fork down and chuckled to myself.
I leaned down and kissed Baylee’s head before I looked back at AJ licking my lips and covering Baylee’s ears, “Is this bitch fucking kidding me right now?”
His eyes widened, he bit the inside of his cheek trying not to laugh. I looked back at her and saw her gaping. “You are going to pay for that.” She gritted, making me roll my eyes.
“Um, no, there is nothing to pay for per say,” I paused, “But if you want to keep this up, I will have your feet down your throat so far that your toes come out your asshole, understand?”
Everyone went wide-eyed. Nick couldn’t take it, he busted out into a fit of giggles. He, then, drug Brian, Howie and Kevin down with him.
“AJ! Do something!” She screeched, making Leighanne, Leigh, Kris and Lauren laugh out loudly.
“Kaci calm down, Jesus Christ, you’ve been uptight ever since you just showed up.” AJ said, looking at her. She glared and looked at me.
“I’m going to beat your ass for that.” She said, standing up. I started laughing loudly as well, then noticed Baylee was already asleep. I looked at Leighanne, she nodded and took him carefully from my arms. I kissed him on his head before she took him upstairs.
“Little girl you’re fighting a storm.” I said, wiping my mouth with the napkin. “How old are you? Isn’t it passed your bedtime?”
“How dare you?” She gasped, walking around to me, she reached out to grab me, but wasn't fast enough. I caught her hand and stood up, turning her around to where her back was against me. My right hand came up grabbing the back of her neck and forced her on the table, her left hand touching her right shoulder blade.
I leaned down to her ear, “If you ever decide to try and touch me again, I’ll do more than just this, understand?” Her eyes widened, she nodded her head against the table. “Good.” I said, turning around and walking away from her.
I walked upstairs and checked on Baylee, his beautiful face had a small smile on it as he was snuggled against his favorite stuffed animal I gave him a while back.
I walked to the bed and laying behind him. I wrapped my arm around his small frame, and pressed my lips against his head.
Don’t speak, no use for words. Lie in my arms, sleep secure. I wonder what you’re dreaming of, lands rare and far. Let’s fight this fight and reach the stars. A lifetime full of words to say, I hope that time will slow the passing day.
By this time, I was in tears. More than just the past with Alex is resurfacing and I don’t know how I could handle it. I’ve been hurt more times than I could count on my fingers and toes, I’ve kept those feelings bottled up for a long time. I don’t know how to chalk it up and let them out.
“Lay are you okay?” Leighanne asked from the door. I looked up at her and nodded.
“I’m great. I’ve missed you, Bay and Brian a lot, you know that right?” I asked, kissing Baylee once more on his cheek before I got up. She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me to her tightly. I sighed happily in her hold, I laid my head on her shoulder. “Is anyone mad about what happened downstairs?”
“No babe, she left though. AJ told her to leave.” She said, kissing my head. “That shocked the hell out of me, too. He never stands up to her.”
“He’s not that type to fight. He was like that when we were kids.” I said, squeezing her gently before I let go. “Brian and Nick thinks I should talk to him.”
“I think so, too, babe. You and him, from what I’ve heard and what Brian has told me that he’s said himself, there is a lot of love there still. I think you two can overcome this. I know he hurt you, but at least give him the benefit of the doubt to show you that he’s changed.” She said. I nodded, damn Leighanne and her logic.
“I will.” I said, biting my lip.
“On the bright side, they all need to ask you a question, so come on.” She said, pulling me behind her. Once she reached the bottom step, she paused, letting me get on her back. I giggled, closed my eyes, and started singing one of our favorite songs.
Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise. Running the shadows, damn your love, damn your life. And if you don’t love me now, you will never love me again. I can still hear you saying you will never break the chain. And if you don’t love me now, you will never love me again, I can still hear you saying you will never break the chain.
I opened my eyes and saw that we were back in the kitchen, everyone had a surprised look on their face; all but Brian, Nick and Lauren. I got off of Leighanne’s back and kissed her cheek, before walking to Nick. “I’m sorry for how I acted earlier, it was uncalled for.” I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly.
I walked over to AJ, and stood in front of him for minute. “I’m sorry for how I acted earlier with your girlfriend.” I sealed the apology by wrapping my arms around him for a short, but acknowledging hug.
“She deserved it. Can we talk later?” He whispered, I nodded against his shoulder then pulled away.
“Everyone I am sorry for how I acted earlier. Now, say you forgive me....” I trailed, “Group hug!” I exclaimed, making everyone laugh. On que, everyone including AJ came together for a group hug. “Okay, so, Leighanne said yal needed to talk to me?”
“Oh yeah! Okay, we have a song we want to do a video for and was wondering if you’ll be the girl in our video?” Brian asked shyly. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked between each of them.
“Me?” I asked, making sure I heard right.
“Yeah, please. We thought about it, you can listen to the song and see what you think.” Kevin said, looking at me.
“Okay, sure.” I said, as Brian handed me his iPod, the song was already up on the screen, I Still… I excused myself and walked out the back, lighting a cigarette. I pressed play, hearing this beautiful melody come through the speakers. As the first verse came up, it was the same one that AJ was singing earlier.
Who are you now? Are you still the same? Or did you change somehow? What do you do, at this very moment when I think of you? And when I'm looking back, how we were young and stupid. Do you remember that?
No matter how I fight it, Can't deny it, just can't let you go. I still need you, I still care about you. Though everything's been said and done, I still feel you. Like I'm right beside you, but still no word from you.
Now look at me. Instead of moving on, I refuse to see. That I keep coming back. Yeah, I'm stuck in a moment, that wasn't meant to last, to last. I try to fight it, can't deny it. You don't even know. That I still need you, I still care about you. Though everything's been said and done. I still feel you, like I'm right beside you, but still no word from you, whoah oh.
I wish I could find you, just like you found me. Then I, will never let you go, oh. Though everything's been said and done, yeah. I still feel you, like I'm right beside you, but still no word from you.
As the song went off, I wiped a stray tear that had fell onto my cheek. This is probably the best song I’ve ever heard, especially when it was put together. I smiled and heard the sliding glass door open. I took a long drag of my cigarette and saw it was AJ. I scooted over, letting him take a seat beside me.
“You don’t have to be in it if you don’t want to.” He said, taking the cigarette from me and placing it between his lips.
“I like the song a lot. It’s probably my favorite song as of any song I’ve ever heard of. I would be honored to be in it, unless you say otherwise.” I said, lighting another cigarette.
“You won’t get an objection from me. I’ll be happy to have you there.” He said, looking at me and giving me that beautiful smile I used to love. “Do you think you can come to one of my meetings with me?”
“To your counselor?” I asked, laying my head on his shoulder.
“Yeah, please?” He wondered, “We don’t have to do anything else, I just want you to come. Maybe he can help with everything.”
“I’ll go. You don’t have to explain why you want me there, Alex.” I said, looking at him. He gave me a sad smile and nodded. “Do you remember when we were eight, and you decided how much you wanted to perform? You had an audition, but couldn’t go because you fell out the tree and broke your arm?”
He smiled and chuckled, “I remember that all too well. I remember you hollering for mom, and you just sat there on the ground in the mud with white shorts on, holding me.”
“I wanted you to know that no matter what I was there to pick you up when you fell.” I said, “How about when we had your 10th birthday party? That clown showed up to the wrong party, and you and I both ran to the tree house. I still hate clowns to this day.”
“I don’t think I will ever forget either.” He said, “What about when we had that middle school dance?”
“Oh yeah, thanks for bringing that one up asswipe.” I said, swatting his leg, making him chuckle. “I tried to perm my hair and it ended up looking like a poodle’s ass, which was the highlight of everyone’s year.”
“I thought you were beautiful. That black dress, your hair looked like Cyndi Lauper’s. I was happy to have you as my date.” He said laying his head on mine. I smiled and bit my lip.
“That’s because no one wanted to go with me.” I said, chuckling. He shook his head.
“No, I wanted to go with you. I just didn’t have the balls to ask until the night before. I played if off like I knew we both didn’t have dates, but like I said, I’m happy we got to go.”
“Me too, Al, me too even though it turned into a disaster that night. I was happy to actually have a fun night even if it was a school event.” I said, closing my eyes and thinking back to that night. That was the same night my mom left.
“Those were the days.” He said chortling, I nodded agreeing with him one-hundred percent. The old days were the best, we didn’t have a care in the world… we had each other.
Chapter End Notes:
Thank you Rainbowbrite006 for your review! I hope you enjoy your dedication chapter!
