Master Splinter was the wisest person/mutant I knew. For him to suddenly be gone and no longer here to mentor us, and give us heck for the stupid stunts we tend to pull, is beyond my grasping capability. I mean, I know he’s dead. I saw Shredder’s blades piercing through him, and I saw him fall to the ground in a heap. But to accept the fact he is gone for good; I just can’t do it. Not until I’ve gone over every single possibility I can think of. There has to be some way to bring him and the earth back, right? I’m the family genius, so I should be able to figure this out and find a way to do it…right?

I honestly don’t know anymore. I’ve gone over so many different scenarios in my head these past few days I’m honestly surprised I haven’t gone mad. Sure I have my brothers here, as well as April…and Casey… But I still feel like there was something more I could have done. If Michelangelo hadn’t gotten himself captured by the Triceraton, we wouldn’t have had to go rescue him. We would have been closer to Sensei and could have warned him about the Shredder. We could have saved him. If we’d been able to warn him, I’m sure he’d still be here with us right now, flying in outer space with the Fugitoid.

I know I can’t blame Michelangelo. He was just trying to fight the Triceraton off and help us save the world. I know it’s not his fault he was born with a short attention span and the biggest heart of anyone I know. He was worried about Leatherhead and the other Mutant Animals. I know I was pretty worried when he was captured and taken to the Triceraton ship. We couldn’t just let the Triceraton take him and destroy him. He may be a pain in the shell most the time, but I still love him. He’d do anything for anyone without even giving it a second thought. Besides, what’s a family without the baby, right? He’s cheap entertainment, that’s for sure.

Anyway, enough about Mikey; it’s not always about him. Master Splinter is gone, we’re somewhere in space, Leonardo and Raphael keep fighting (what else is new), and April keeps turning to Casey Jones for comfort! I get that his family got sucked into the black hole with earth, as well as April’s dad, but what am I? Chopped liver? My father was killed right in front of me, yet she goes to him instead. I think it is old news by now that I’m jealous of the relationship she has with Casey. I know I’m a mutant turtle and that I’m not exactly the greatest choice, but I deserve at least a chance, don’t I? I know I have my faults, but Casey has way more than I do. Granted that’s my biased opinion. I do love her though. She just seems to get me, she’s intelligent, she’s beautiful, and she doesn’t take crap off anyone. Can any girl be more perfect? I sure don’t think so.

I feel like there are so many things I should be focusing on and yet all I can think about is April and Casey. I admit it keeps me from thinking about Master Splinter, our other friends, and earth being gone though. I’m afraid to think about that stuff for too long. I don’t need to suddenly have a mental breakdown. My brothers and friends have enough to cope with right now, without having to deal with my mental state. Though doesn’t every great inventor have a breakdown or some sort? People thought Einstein was crazy and Van Gogh chopped off his own ear.

I wish we could just sit and talk about how we’re all dealing with the cards we’ve been dealt. But I know a couple of hot-heads who would never let that happen without a fight. And I’m sure everyone would be more focused on Mikey and his well-being than anything else. I get he’s the baby, but sometimes I’d like a little attention too. It’s like I’m just here because they need my brainiac ideas, and not because they actually want me here. I’m sure that’s not true, but some days I can’t help but feel that way. I mean, it’s not like I can expect them to know how I feel, when we never talk about our feelings. I mean, we did the odd time if Master Splinter forced u too, but other than that, mum’s the word.

I am more sensitive than my older brothers. I never wanted to fight – I wanted to learn and keep the peace without violence. Violence never solves anything. It just creates more violence and more crazy people out for vengeance. The world – universe – doesn’t need any more vengeful people. What it needs is people/aliens/mutants who want peace and who can solve problems without bloodshed. There has been more than enough bloodshed and loss.

When we were kids, I always knew one day we’d have to fight. Master Splinter told us about Shredder and how dangerous he was (so how he could forget this I have no idea!); how dangerous the world could be, since people would likely not willingly accept us. They would be afraid of us because we were different and humans don’t like things that are different than what they are used to and consider normal. I knew all this, yet it all still came somewhat of a surprise to me when it finally came time for us to venture out into the world. If only I had known then what I know now; I would’ve tried to convince my brothers to wait a few more years before going topside. Granted I’m sure a lot of the stuff that has happened would have happened anyway. The Kraang would have still taken over for a while, Shredder would have at least taken over the city, and the Triceratons still would have come to annihilate the earth because of the Kraang inhabiting it. I guess we’re damned if we do, and damned if we don’t. it’s like, no matter how hard we try to stop all the evil that descends upon us, the universe just keeps sending more and more our way. Well universe, how about sending something good our way for a change? I’m fed up with all the evil and the jerks that are the reason for the evil. I am tired of fighting and getting nowhere near the end of the fight.

I’m sure the fight will be even worse now, provided we ever manage to get the earth back where it belongs with all the people on it (I do hope the people of earth are okay). I mean, my brothers – two of them anyway – are likely going to want revenge on the Shredder for killing Master Splinter. I can’t say that I blame them, but we’ve seen what vengeance does to someone. Shredder is a prime example of that. He’s harmed his own daughter numerous times, and every time puts the blame on us or one of his henchmen – usually us. We’re not the ones who keep hurting her though. We cared about her enough to try and save her and the planet she was on. He didn’t care enough about her to do that. He cared more about getting his revenge and killing Master Splinter. He finally succeeded, but at the biggest cost of them all. To him though, it was worth it. Jerk.

I feel like writing this probably didn’t accomplish as much as I had hoped. I know I rambled and was all over the place. I know part of me is still angry about things that are out of my control. Part of me just wants to scream as loud as I can and break down into sobs. Another part of me is more than ready to start spewing gibberish. And worst of all, I’m still just as confused now as I was when I began writing this. I guess it’ll take longer than I hoped for this confusion to make any sense – I doubt any of this will ever make complete sense though. No matter how long and hard I over think it.

Sometimes I hate being a genius.