Fourth Chapter

Together.

It didn’t feel real. Not after so many nights spent alone, so many days spent separated because they had been stupid and idiots and so…

And so lonely.

Lips searched lips, never tired of their taste, never tired of those kisses that had waited too long. It was intoxicating. It was addictive, like one of those drugs that managed to get inside, running through veins and nerves and conquered them, like brave soldiers that had just one thought in mind: get into the castle, get to the heart where life was saved and get their hands on that treasure that made wars happened and blood lost under its spell.

Their last kiss was still lingering between them, bringing back a memory that had never left their minds. Oh, how different now things were! There was no more despair, no more feeling like that was the last chance of making things right, of undoing that hurt that was already knocking at their door.

This time felt right. This time felt as a reward for everything that they had to go through. This time felt like a beginning instead than an ending, the sweetest and most amazing of the beginnings.

Never it had felt that right.

The night was still young, the moon was still dancing in the black sky, jumping from star to star and leaving behind a trail of silver dust that fell upon the world beneath, invisible to its human inhabitants.

The night was young but it didn’t matter to Brian and Nick, lost in a world where time had lost its meaning and its law: minutes stretched into hours, endless strings of seconds when all it mattered was the beating of their own hearts. And faster and faster they beat, still believing that everything would be over when the light would put its head inside the room and morning would be them.

Not that night.

Not that following morning. And the one after. After and after because this time was right. This was the time to go back and get to know each other as if they had been just strangers, two bodies and souls that had wandered alone those days and those nights.

“I missed you.”

Fingertips lingered on the skin, travelling up and down as if they wanted to trace a map made of stars and fireworks, invisible words that wanted to be imprinted and never forgotten.

Mine. Love. Faith. Trust. Pain. Heartache. Healing.

Over and over the fingertips traced those letters, cleaning those last traces of dry tears that still were looming around, a reminder that it hadn’t been that long since they had been only ghosts, memories of hours spent inside a bubble of a fantasy that had been destroyed in a heartbeat.

Not anymore.

Together.

They were together. Finally. Lips met lips, kisses melted into each other and bodies found their rhythm, feeling as if they couldn’t stand being apart even if it was just for a small, so tiny, distance. It was longing that burned like a fire, flames of all those emotions that had been kept silent for too many lonely nights, too many hours spent believing that it was over and nothing could go back to what it was always supposed to be.

They were always meant to be together, tangled up so tightly that it was almost impossible to distance one from another. They were always meant to melt into each other, perfect together in ways that no one else had ever tried to be. Nick was so sure about it, Nick couldn’t phantom how he had even tried to find someone who would complete him like Brian did. And not just emotionally. And not just in that way that soul mates did. Physically, Brian completed him as if their own bodies had been built and modeled to fit perfectly, two puzzles that had never been able to be finished because the pieces hadn’t been left scattered: those pieces had been there, right there in front of them, since the beginning.

Passion kept the fire burning; nerves changed and morphed into fireworks, bursts of colors that tastes sweeter and sweeter as the seconds tickled by and the world kept being just the two of them. Brian and Nick. Frick and Frack. Those two souls that wanted to be filled, shattered with a love that was finally stronger than rationality and logic. Those two bodies just wanted to be one, see how it felt right to be one.

Nothing else mattered, not even that heart that was beating a little bit too erratically, missing a beat now and then and sharpening a dull pain that, in the midst of passion and touches and kisses, could be easily forget and never wondered about.   

Nick held tight on Brian. His arms were wrapped about him, keeping him safely underneath him as if he was afraid that, when the morning would come, he could and would disappear into thin air.

He wasn’t going to let it happen. Never again.

He held tight on Brian, their hearts beating together as passion, lust, need and desire brought them higher and higher: there was no risk in coming down, there was no fear about suddenly falling. And if it’d happened, it wouldn’t feel like losing because they would still be locked together, arms around each other and that knowledge, that knowing that nothing could ever break them ever again.

Not even death.

“I’m sorry.”

Brian’s whisper broke the silence, that comfortable blanket that had been wrapped around the couple as they recovered, the air filled with the lingering scent of sex. Brian’s whisper sounded almost broken and, for a brief second, Nick was taken back to another night, months and months before, when his apologies led to that mess and destruction that had brought them to that point; yet, that fear was almost immediately kicked back where it belonged, as Nick opened his eyes and found himself falling into an ocean of pure blue and honesty: in that small murmur, in those two tiny and broken words, there was an admission of blame and hurt, wrapped and intertwined together because guilt could be as hurtful as being the one sliced up by its sword. In those eyes, in that voice, Nick found everything that he had wished while drinking away his own pain, that illusion of Brian appearing out of nowhere and erasing months of silence with just one kiss.

“I know.” Nick replied, his fingers playing with a stray hair before pulling it back Brian’s ear. A kiss tasted a trail of tears filled with mixed emotions, for Nick couldn’t tell if they had been of happiness or remorse. He was learning, Nick, that nothing was and would never be easy with that love: it was so much more complicated, so much more filled with layers and layers difficult to keep apart.

But it was okay.

Nick didn’t want it another way. Nick wanted and was willing to learn until difficult and complicated would became another way to say powerful and impossible to break. He would learn and recognize all the layers that made up that man he was holding in his arms, even if it meant to take a step back and let his own pride numb and silence once in a while.

Brian closed his eyes, a soft and tired smile curving those lips red and swollen and still tasting of Nick. There was so much that they still needed to talk about. There were so many things that they had left unsaid but there was time. Thankfully they had the time, even though there was a hidden clock that was tickling too much fast for Brian’s tastes. But, for the first time, Brian let this thought in the back of his mind: that fear, that doubt that had destroyed so much in those past months, didn’t belong in that moment. Now it was just time to enjoy it, to get back at what it felt like to be as one with the one that had been made for him, the one that he had never meant to hurt in that way.

Would it be enough?

Would it be enough to erase all the pain and the tears he had brought on them? Would it be enough to forget that he had been left alone, played that part that the world had given him because no one had dared to see another way?

Would it be enough, starting all over again?

Brian wanted to believe Nick, desperately. Brian wanted to believe when Nick said that he was going to be by his side, no matter what: no matter how hard time would prove to be, no matter how difficult the next weeks were going to be. Most of all, Brian wanted to trust Nick, longed to finally give up some of that control and let be taken care of.

But could words just be enough?

He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to spoil those first hours with those seeds of fear and doubt, mistrust and misunderstanding. He wanted, instead, to thrive into that love and that passion, that need of never be far apart, distanced because it wasn’t just possible to stay as close as possible every single second and minute of their life.

He wanted to forget.

He wanted to get lost, if only for those hours left of the night.

And that was what he did. He got lost in another kiss, and another one, and another again until he could trace every single inch of Nick’s skin. Until he could mark that body as his. Until his mind couldn’t think any more, couldn’t put out another thought that wasn’t how wonderful it felt to be that one with Nick, and how lonely his life had been up until that moment.

Maybe it wouldn’t be enough. Maybe he was just fooling himself thinking and believing that they could be normal, that they could have something normal just like everyone else. Maybe it was just an illusion but who cared?

Did it really matter?

He just longed for this. He just needed this: some peace of mind. A couple of days, weeks, whatever they could manage to scramble just to feel like he wasn’t really going to face a potentially deathly surgery. He wanted to dive into that new relationship, without having to worry if it was really the right thing to do; without having to question himself or Nick.

Could it be enough?

Would it be enough for Nick?

It wasn’t just a selfish desire. It wasn’t just being stubborn and refusing to acknowledge that something bigger and more dangerous was still and would be always waiting him just right around the corner. It was almost selfless, although that could be reaching a little bit too far: but maybe it was because it would mean to be able to give Nick a handle of memories to hold on to if things would go wrong. And being able to give himself that something he had dreamed, longed for so long and almost given up.

Could Brian really deny this to Nick and himself?

And as he fell asleep, locked inside Nick’s arms, Brian’s last thought was just a mere and small wish.

Please, let me have something normal. Just this time.