He breathed as deeply as he could manage to, but it felt shallow like there wasn’t enough space for breathing after his fascination with her took up all the space inside of him. Slowly, he made his way to the couch and sat down next to her. His body felt heavy from carrying all his feelings around for so many days. It was time to offload some of them.
He was fidgeting, nervously cracking his knuckles and clearing his throat. She watched him and turned in to face him more, letting one of her legs swing down in front of her and keeping the other under her body.
“Nick,” She said, the sound of her own voice surprising her.
“There’s something else I’ve been trying to figure out.”
“What’s that?” She asked, looking at him as a suspicious smile crept along her mouth. Suddenly she knew there was no going back to being just his friend, there was no way to forget what she saw or what she felt at the fountain, things had already changed, and they weren’t terrible or ruined. He was still a safe spot.
He looked at her, scanning her face before starting again. Don’t screw it up. “Why didn’t you ever mention that you were a virgin? Did you think I’d … think it was … weird or something? Like did you specifically not want to tell me?”
She was surprised. She sat up a little straighter.
“No. Not at all, it just never came up. I mean, you found out… from me… eventually.” She paused, flopping her arm down onto the couch between them, “Do you think it’s weird though?” She asked quietly.
“Just surprising.” She had heard that too many times for it to make a wave.
“Surprising I didn’t tell you or surprising that that’s the way it is?”
“Mostly that that’s the way it is.”
“Is it confusing more than surprising?”
He looked at her, “Maybe.”
“I think people got the wrong idea about me, and that, by the way. I’m not trying to prove anything. And I definitely don’t feel like my way is better than anyone else’s. It’s just… my thing. I’m just looking … deeper.”
“Deeper?” It sounded unfamiliar as it escaped his mouth, though it was exactly the way in which he was falling for her, faster every second.
She blushed and twirled a piece of hair around her finger mindlessly. “I just want to do that one thing with the right person. The person who is right for all the things, not just sex.” She was talking, she could hear herself speaking, but she felt like she was outside of her own body. She looked him in the eye briefly before looking down at his hand creeping closer to hers, “I don’t know how to explain it but …” She paused to check back on his face, trying to get a sense of what he was thinking.
He was watching her closely, searching for clues. He didn’t even know what exactly he wanted - there were too many things to focus on just one. He didn’t know what he was hoping to see, but he was positive it was going to involve her and it was going to change him in a way he couldn’t even fully imagine. He just knew it.
“How will you know though?” He was getting nervous.
“What do you mean?”
“When you find the right person?”
She hung her head, trying to hide her smile. She already knew. “It is - or,” She swallowed back some anxiety, “it will be… it will be rather obvious.” She lifted her face and their eyes met.
He wasn’t sure how he could keep it together the rest of the night after this. His mind was running wild, imagining her in all states of pleasure.
“But I think you know it’s a little more complicated than that …” She finished and she knew this was her breaking point.
Complicated. He couldn’t speak.
She was dizzy now.
“The problem is...” she began, not knowing why or who was in control of her body right now because she certainly didn’t feel it was her. “Even if I think I’ve found the person, and it feels obvious... how can I really know? If I’m not in a relationship with them already. How will I know where they stand?” She paused, her eyes landed on his. Tell me. “What if the right person - or the person I think is the right person - isn’t ready for the same thing I am? Or they don’t want the same thing I do? I would have no idea. And could they still be the right person if they don’t want the same thing I do?” She asked seriously, surprising herself as it fell out of her mouth. “Can you even ask someone to go deeper when you haven’t been anywhere at all with them?” Her eyes were staring into his, it hurt to blink, it hurt to be so close to him and not close enough at the same time.
His mouth was dry. He swallowed. He had to move.
Stand up.He couldn’t.
“Just having sex doesn’t mean anything but BEING with someone who means something … being with them that way does.” Her voice was light and airy, she wasn’t sure if she was breathing anymore, all the breath she had was carrying the words off her tongue and into the air space between them. They flowed out and they could never come back. “What if he’s not ready for that? To go deeper? I wouldn’t know...”
“To go all in...”
She inhaled deeply as his hand moved in closer briefly before lacing his fingers through hers, holding her hand loosely.
She continued to unravel.
“If it’s meant to be you can’t screw it up.” He whispered reminding himself as he shifted ever so slightly closer to her. His other hand moved closer to her body. They were talking circles around themselves.
“What?” She asked, not entirely sure she even heard whatever he just said. “What does what…” She trailed off, watching his hand move to her thigh. She took a few shallow breaths.
Her blood was moving so quickly she could practically hear it, her entire body was lit up with raw emotion that had nowhere to go.
He began pulling her closer to him and she allowed it. She moved into him and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. His hand ran up her back and gently played with the fringe of her hair.
She felt his other hand now on her face, he tilted it up.
Neither of them said anything as their faces drew closer together, both sets of eyes moving slowly across the other’s face.
He smiled as their noses touched. His lips grazed hers softly. Her mouth curved into a nervous smile beneath his.
“What are we doing?” She whispered.
His eyes met hers and he found what he was looking for.
“Going somewhere.” He said before putting his lips on hers and kissing her softly.
Several thousand nerve endings in her body tingled with delight and she felt weak all over. She moved her hand to the back of his head, accepting his kiss even deeper now. The encounter persisted for several minutes as they found more comfortable placement between them.
“It’s okay.” He said, wide-eyed, worrying what she would say next.
She nodded, “It’s more than okay.”
His lips reclaimed hers and another long set of making out ensued.
The kissing was blissful, too good to risk with conversation. And too good for this couch.
“Nick,” Coll said quietly, pulling away from him briefly, biting her lip into her mouth, trying to think clearly while he looked at her. “No one ever got what they wanted by staying timid and playing it safe and pretending they didn’t want what they know for sure they want...” She smiled. “...fall into it…”“Let’s go to your room.”
He didn’t know what it meant, but her eyes were dark and mysterious and he needed to know more. He got up and followed her without question. He watched as she crawled into the center of his bed where he joined her immediately.
“I just want to keep kissing you.” She said and he didn’t hesitate in honoring that request.
Kissing him was bliss and let herself enjoy that without thinking about anything else for the rest of the night.
They spent the next five hours making out and not talking about it.