“Hey, uh, my mom said you had some stuff for me or something?” he asked.
“Oh yeah, come on in” she said letting him inside. “How’ve you been?” she asked.
“You’re asking me that I guess it means you haven’t heard” he said.
“No I have…but I’m asking you” she said.
“Miserable” he said smiling.
“Me too” she said “Your mom said you started therapy” she said.
“Against my will” he said “I just hope wherever he is, Neilson’s not too pissed at me” he said “I didn’t exactly pick the best way to deal with his death or honor his memory” he said.
“I think Neilson would understand” she said smiling at him “I’ll get the box of stuff for you.”
“It’s okay, I can get it” he said.
“It’s in his old room” she said, he nodded and walked down the hallway.
He approached the door to Neilson’s room and put his hand on the knob, twisting it open. The door opened, boxes were stacked ontop of each other.
“I was planning to donate some of his clothes and stuff to charity but…I just can’t bring myself to do it” she said.
“This it?” he asked about a lone box sitting on a desk. He took off the lid and felt a tightness in his chest as he recognized the contents, he set the lid down and stared at the inside. He reached in and pulled out a stuffed penguin toy “Mr. Pengi” he said.
“Yeah” Sasha said smiling.
“I remember him…Neilson loved this thing” he said sniffling.
“Are you sure you want me to take this?” he asked.
“You don’t want it?” she asked.
“No…I would love to keep it I just…I think it’s something you should hang onto” he said.
“Thanks” Sasha said taking it from him “I remember when he got this, the night he was born, my dad ran down to the hospital gift shop just as it was closing and this was the first thing he saw” she said laughing. “And then after he was born, my dad put it in his little bassinet and ever since then he couldn’t go anywhere without it” she said.
“You know when we first moved into the house, my room was completely pink” Bradley said laughing.
“That’s right, I forgot about that” Sasha said.
“Neilson and I were roommates for a couple weeks and one night there was this insane thunderstorm, scared us both to death so I ran across the room and climbed into his bed” he said laughing “He said Mr. Pengi will protect us” he said sniffling.“I always thought he would end up bringing it to college with him” Bradley said.
“He probably would have” Sasha said.
“Well, thanks for this, I really appreciate it” he said.
“No problem, Bradley…I know you’re having a hard time right now…” Sasha said.
“That’s an understatement” he said.
“But if anything…Neilson would want you to take care of yourself” she said.
“I know” he said smiling.
“I got to go, this is part of my therapy, the whole making amends thing” he said.
“Who’s next?” she asked.
“Hey” Bradley said as Natalie opened the door.
“Hey” she said stepping out onto her front porch “You’re sober today” she said.
Bradley nodded “That I am” he said nodding.
“I take it that means you’re done being stupid?” she asked.
“About Neilson, yes” he said “In general…probably not” he said.
She cracked a smiled “I knew that you were going to have the worst time with this” she said “but Bradley you weren’t grieving you were…”
“I know” he said.
“I’ve already lost Neilson…I don’t know what I would do if I lost you too” she said as they hugged.
“I’m not going anywhere” he said to her.
“Good” she said laughing.
“I wasn’t a very good friend to him” he said.
“What?” she asked, handing him a glass of iced tea.
“That’s what part of my whole downward spiral was about”
“What are you talking about? Neilson adored you, you know that” she said.
“Did he? All I did was call him names and boss him around, I was completely selfish and inconsiderate…he didn’t deserve that…he deserved better” Bradley said.
“Bradley, I don’t think he would’ve called you his best friend if you were anything but” she said.
“Isn’t this part of your therapy? Learning how to forgive yourself?”
“Eventually…I’m easing my way into it” he said smiling “This is just part of step one” he said.
“Oh yeah? What’s step two?” she asked.
The door to Neilson’s locker opened “You ready?” Bradley asked.
“Are you?” she asked.
“Let’s do this” he said, she pulled a garbage can over.
“I’ll hand these in” Natalie said holding a stack of books in her arms as Bradley closed the locker “What are those?” she asked about a stack of notebooks in Bradley’s hands.
“Journals and notebooks it looks like and of course…”
“His sketchbook” she said looking at the plain black spiral bound book in his hands “Okay…what’s next?” she asked.
“Alright well I’ve made a few boxes here” Harry said “Donation, keep, and of course garbage” he said as they stood in Neilson’s bedroom.
“Thanks Harry, I appreciate it” Nick said patting his shoulder “Thanks you guys for helping me with this” he said.
“No problem” Kyle said.
“Just wish Bradley would help out” Harry said.
“Still hard for him yet, he’ll come around when he’s ready” Nick said.
“Hey” Bradley said coming into the room, Natalie following behind him, they all looked at him cautiously “I’m okay” he said to them “I just wanted to see if you guys needed any help” he said.
“Sure” Harry said to him.
“Yeah just start sorting” Nick said to him.
“Great” Bradley said.
Soon everything was packed up, Bradley sat on the bare mattress.
“I guess that’s everything” Nick said putting a lid on a box.
“I guess so” Bradley said to him.
“How’s therapy going?” Nick asked sitting next to him.
“Rough” Bradley said “I just feel so incomplete without Neilson here” Bradley said “And no that wasn’t a song pun” he said.
“I didn’t think so” Nick said amused.
“Hey do you think maybe…I can…I don’t know…talk to you some time?” Bradley asked.
“You want to talk to me?” Nick asked.
“Sure why not? My dad seems to like talking to you for some reason” Bradley said.
“You want me to be your backup Neilson?” Nick asked amused.
Bradley shrugged “You mind?”
“No, in fact I’d honored” Nick said he said patting Bradley’s knee and getting up from the bed, he then left the room.
Bradley stood up and looked around at the empty room, he then looked behind him before leaving the room, pulling the door closed behind him.
Later that night he sat at his desk paging through Neilson’s notebooks, looking at all of Neilson’s drawings in awe, he then came across a poem.
Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do
His phone buzzed, he reached over and picked it up and saw a text message alert from Neilson, he looked at it confused. “Check your email” it read, he opened up his email account he scrolled through the endless list of emails still left unread. One caught his eye, he recognized Neilson’s email address immediately, he clicked on it. A simple message was written “Watch this” followed by another link, he looked around him before plugging his headphones in and opened the link, it led to an unlisted YouTube video.
“Hey Bradley” Neilson said “Don’t freak out okay? It’s really me” he said, Bradley smiled slightly. “Do I guess if you’re watching this it means that you got my text message” Neilson said “I don’t even know where to start” Neilson said sadly “I’m sorry Bradley” he said shrugging “I am so so sorry” Neilson said as a lonely tear ran down his cheek, he sniffled “God” he said “The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause anyone any pain, especially you and I know you, you’re going to blame yourself and let me be the first to tell you that this is not your fault” he said.
“But you were right, I haven’t been myself lately…I don’t even feel like myself anymore” Neilson said sniffling, wiping his tears away.“I don’t know what to do anymore…I just feel like I’m being consumed by this darkness…like I’m falling into this giant black hole and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get out of it” Neilson said as tears fell down his cheeks.
“It’s bigger than both of us…the demons inside my head Bradley…they won” Neilson said “And this is the only way I know how to get rid of this pain that I have, this darkness that is swallowing me whole” Neilson said. Tears fell down Bradley’s cheeks “I don’t know where I’m gonna go but…I’m going to miss you” Neilson said tearfully “I am going to miss you more than anything, I love you, just remember that okay? I love you so much and I’ll always be with you alright? Maybe not right next to you…but I’m in your heart and maybe we’ll see each other again one day and when we do…I hope you can forgive me” Neilson said.
“Goodbye Bradley” Neilson said as the screen went black, stray tears began to trickle down Bradley’s cheeks before he closed his eyes, he took a deep breath.
Bradley and Natalie sat in his car outside the cemetery gates.
“You ready?” she asked.
“I guess” he said as they opened the car doors and got out.
They walked amongst the immaculately manicured lawn, trees lining a path. They finally came a large shady tree, a lone headstone underneath.
“There he is” she said “Hey, look who I brought with me today” she said “I’ll give you a minute alone” she said.
“Thanks” he said "Hey Neilson" Bradley said approaching the stone, he crouched down coming face to face with the marble stone, Neilson’s name in large letters etched into it. “I know I haven’t come to visit you yet but…I couldn’t bring myself to come here."
“I don’t know if you’ve been watching from wherever you are but I’ve been pretty messed up lately” he said “I’m not dealing with this too well as you can imagine, I became someone you wouldn’t even recognize” he said sadly. “I'm still trying to understand why you would do this to yourself" Bradley said as silence engulfed him, tears beginning to build up in his eyes.
“I saw the video you sent me, about how you felt like you were being sucked into a giant black hole and there was no other way out" he said as his voice broke. "But you didn't have to take the easy way out, you have so many people who love you, you had your parents and Nat but most of all you had me" he said as tears began to fall freely “I know I didn't say it a lot if ever but I did love you, so much".
"And without you here…I don’t know…a part of me is missing” he said sniffling “But as much as I miss you and wish there was some way to bring you back…I know I can’t” he said, tears still falling down his cheeks. “I have to try and move on with my life” he said “Without you, which is the last thing I ever wanted to do” he said “But I feel like I owe it to you and to myself” he said. “And I have to let you rest in peace now…which means I have to let you go” he said “So Neilson…I miss you and I love you…and this is goodbye, rest easy okay?” he said sadly, putting his hand on the headstone.
He and Natalie hugged tightly “Say what you needed to say?” she asked.
“Yeah” he said.
“Good” she said “Ready to go?” she asked.
“Yeah let’s go” he said as they walked towards the cemetery gates, he took one last look back before getting in his car and starting the engine.
Floating…through space and time, free falling through a void. A vacuum like sensation engulfed him, he could feel himself being jolted back towards earth, falling hard and fast before landing with a hard thud. The steady beeping of hospital monitors broke through the void, the sound of sustained breathing followed suit. Neilson peeled his eyes open and saw a bright white light above him, his vision finally focused when he looked ahead, his eyes darting in every direction, the realization hitting him that he was in a hospital room, out of the corner of his eye he could see a tube protruding from his mouth.
“Neilson?” a familiar voice asked, echoing in his brain, he looked up and saw Vicki’s face hovering above him in a blur “hey, you’re at the hospital, you’re going to be just fine” she said in a comforting voice before he closed his eyes once more.
