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I often spent many of my sleepless nights wondering if it was always going to be like this.

Overloaded

I laid in my bed after that grim discovery of Dad back home, and just about puked up my guts. I would just have to stay up here until he left. That's all. I rolled over on my side and picked up my phone dialing Mario. Maybe I could put in some extra hours at work. Kevin couldn't have really called him right?

"But Mario.."

"NO buts Nicky, Kevin was adamant about it. He thinks you work too hard and I am prone to agree with him"

"Kevin can't tell me what to do"

"I'm afraid he can buddy and my hands are tied but you can still work your normal shift Nick" I felt like a child. So embarrassed and violated. How could my brother do that to me? How DARE he do that to me?

"Thanks Mario. I guess I'll see you on Friday"

"I'm sorry kiddo. Don't be mad"

"I'm not mad at you Mario"

"Good, see you in a few days"

After I got off the phone with Mario I decided to call Kevin. I dialed his number and left him a message.

Hi....You've reached Kristin, Kevin and the kids. Leave us a good one!BEEEEEEEP

"Yeah Hi Kevin..it's your brother. Thanks a lot for ruining my life. I really appreciate it! I HATE YOU!!!" Then I slammed the phone down. I mean seriously slammed the phone down. I felt my cheeks flush with heat. I rubbed my face to cool myself down. My stomach was doing flip flops once again. Then, Howie just decided to walk right in, no knocking or anything.

"What the hell are you doing?" I screamed at him, so loud that he actually jumped back.

"I heard something fall and I wanted to make sure everything was okay"

"Well, it's not D okay? So get the hell out of my room!"

"Nick..Jesus, what is going on with you?"

"HEY!!! Didn't anybody hear me up there? I said I wanted a soda" I jumped up and stormed into the hallway. Pointing downstairs I said "That's my problem!"

Howie walked past me and called down to our father. "Dad, there's soda in the fridge, get it yourself"

"But.."

"Either get it yourself or you're waiting" Finally that shut the old man up and Howie turned his attention back on me. I was already feeling guilty. Guilty and stupid.

"Howie I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just that I don't think I can live here with him" Hearing the urgency in my voice made him speak with a softer tone. "Nick, it's only for a little while" I walked back into my room and he followed. We sat on my bed, where I clutched at my stomach. He noticed and grew concerned. "What's wrong?" He asked motioning towards my abdomen.

"Nothing, I just feel a little sick today that's all"

"Stomach virus?"

"No I don't think so, I think it's just a nervous stomach"

"You sure?" I nodded.

"I tried to call work today, you know see if I could maybe work some extra hours. Kevin called and said not to let me"

"I know Nicky, I agreed" I shook my head in disbelief. Why was everybody against me?

"I need to sleep so could you leave please?"

"Nick, it's only 4"

"I know I need my sleep"

"I'll wake you up for dinner"

"Don't bother"

"Nicky"

"Howie, please just leave" I laid down and rolled over on my side. Howie got up to leave, before closing my door he stopped, "Before you go to sleep call J and wish him a Happy Birthday" That's right it was AJ's birthday. I almost forgot. It was only 1 in the afternoon there but I decided to try him anyway.

I dialed him and was happy to hear his voice on the other line. "Yello?"

"Happy Birthday!"

"Nickolas! Thanks man!" I smiled. He sounded like he was drunk but I knew for a fact he didn't do that crap anymore. He was high on life now.

"What are you up to on your day?" I asked him now waking up a little.

"Eh, not too much. Sarah and I are going out for dinner. That's about all"

"Cool!"

"So, what's new with you Scooby Doo?"

"Scooby Doo?" I had to laugh. Alex was in ultra silly mode.

"Yes Scooby Doo. Got a problem with that?"

"No, I guess not. Uh, not too much. J..." I bit my bottom lip. I felt like a child, just about to ask if a friend could spend the night.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot"

"Can I live with you guys?" I closed my eyes as I heard the pause on the other end of the line.

"Nick, why would you ask me that? What's wrong?"

"Dad's living here again"

"He is what?"

"He got kicked out of that stupid group home and I can't stay here with him AJ please?" I was actually crying now. I could tell he was stressing out over my reaction. My pleas were backing him into a corner. I wiped my eyes, "You know what...never mind. It's okay. I didn't mean to ruin your birthday"

"Nick.."

"No, really AJ forget I even asked. I mean it was dumb. I am almost done with school and everything" There was silence.

"Um...look I gotta go, I just wanted to say happy birthday" My voice started to crack, "Give Sarah a kiss from me okay?"

"Nick.."

"Okay bye J" And before he could get anything else out I hung up on him. I sank to the floor and cried. Grabbing for my pillow from above, I pulled it down and balled. That's how I fell asleep because when I woke up, it was 11pm. I was still in that position. But now I had a headache and my stomach was still bothering me.

I ventured out of my room and down the steps for some aspirin. I needed something to eat, maybe that would help. When I got to the base of the steps, I saw Dad just staring blankly ahead at the television screen. He had the sound completely off. At first I thought he was sleeping. I went to go shut it off. "Don't" He said as I was turning the knob. "I like watching the pictures, they help take my mind off of things" I didn't say a word, just backed away from the TV and went in looking for my aspirin.

I was just about to turn to go back upstairs, aspirin in one hand and soda and sandwich in the other when I heard, "Why do you hate me so much?" I didn't look at him, only answered his question with my own, "Why do you hate me?" When neither of us felt the need to continue the conversation I walked up the steps, wanting so bad to hear him say "I don't hate you son, I love you" Maybe he needed to hear the same thing...