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I didn't see an end in sight. That among other things had me troubled.

Soda and Cigarettes

I awoke with a huge headache and a totally sour stomach. I briefly thought about not going to school. I could maybe hide in my room and never come out again. I didn't have to see Dad. I would be able to avoid him. I remember when I was little, I would make myself go to school because the alternative was much worse. Staying home with Mom and Dad. In many ways that was harder than just sucking it up and going to school. When I stayed home sick, which wasn't very often, I would still have to do things a child my age should never have had to do, like go to the store to buy my parents cigarettes. That was before they really started to crack down on the whole 18 and over thing. Once when I had the chicken pox, they sent me out to get them soda and cigarettes. That was the staple of my house. Every family has a defining scent or legacy, mine was soda and cigarettes.

My father told us a story once, that his parents, who I have never met thankfully, were so obsessed with soda that they even put it in his baby bottle. By the time he was 25, my dad had lost all of his teeth. He also inherited the smoking gene from his parents. He said they smoked so much that even the rats in Harlem, where he grew up, developed lung cancer. My Mother smoked as much as my dad except for a small period in the 70's when I was told she quit. She quickly started up again in time for my birth. I didn't know how it was that AJ could become a smoker after living in a house with that disgusting smell in the air all the time. I tried it once. I got so sick I puked all night. My stomach lurched at the thought. Bringing me back to my dilemma.

To school or not to school.

I stood up and the cramp in my belly made me decide to wake up Howie to let him know I wasn't going anywhere today. I walked to his door and knocked.

"Dad! Go away, I'll get you breakfast in a little while let me sleep" He sounded very grouchy.

"Howie it's me" I said opening his door.

"What do you want?" He snapped at me.

"Nothing" I said holding my stomach

"Then go the hell away!" He said rolling on his side.

I closed the door, went to my room, got dressed and went to school.

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By the time I got home, I felt completely miserable. My head hurt only to be matched with the cramps in my stomach. I walked in and without saying a word to anyone, ran up to my room and lied down on the bed. I was just about to fall asleep when Howie walked right into my room AGAIN!

"Hi D"

"I need to ask you something"

"Okay"

"Why the hell would you call AJ and ask him if you can move in with him?" His words cut through the air like a knife. I rolled around to face him. "I was sad okay?"

"NO!" He yelled. That brought me to a sitting up position, "It's not okay Nick. I'm sick of this shit!"

"Howie what are you talking about?"

"I have AJ calling me and telling me that I am this big jerk for having our father live with us, I have Kevin calling me wondering why YOU are calling him saying you hate him! I'm tired of it" He looked so sad and stressed. I felt bad.

"Howie, I'm sorry"

"You are SO selfish sometimes Nick. Can't you see I am doing the best I can?"

I nodded. He sat down next to me, still ranting "I mean, I have to take care of Dad all the time and now, you with your moods and then how dare any of them call me and second guess why I do anything!"

I just sat there listening to him, he needed to get it out of his system.

"I mean it's not like THEY are here helping!" I placed my hand on his back and gently patted it. "It's alright Howie, you do a great job. They have no idea"

"You had to hear AJ. Nicky, he was so mean"

"I'm sorry. It was my fault" He turned to me hurt evident in his eyes, "Yes you're right. It WAS Your fault" He sounded so hateful when he said that, I almost wanted to cry.

"I'll call him and make everything better" It was the least I could do.

"Don't bother, it will just make things worse" He stood up, totally ignoring my hand on his back. He turned to face me, "It's just sometimes Nick, you have to realize that things are the way they are for a reason. All calling AJ did was ruin his birthday and get him and I in a huge fight. All calling Kevin did was make him wonder why I let you become so angry"

"Sorry. I won't do it again I promise"

"Well, I am going to work today. Since Dad has been home I haven't wanted to leave you alone with him but you know what?" I didn't need to answer. It wasn't meant that way so I just listened, "Screw you and him. I am going. If you need to kill each other so be it!" With that he stormed out of my room and slammed the door behind him.

But I'm sick I called after him in a whisper.

I laid back down feeling the tears fall onto my cheeks. I licked them away. The salty taste making my mouth grimace. Howie was completely right. I was selfish. He does so much for us, and I totally take it all for granted. It's not his fault that Dad was here. I decided to call up both AJ and Kevin to make things right. I knew Kev wouldn't be home from school yet which suited me just fine. I left a better message this time. Telling him I was sorry for saying I hated him. Then I called AJ and told him on HIS machine that it wasn't Howie's fault. I apologized for ruining his birthday.

After doing that I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

I was just about to walk back into my room and lie down when Dad's voice called to me from downstairs, "Nick?" I thought about just ignoring him. But that is what Howie would expect me to do, so I answered "Yeah dad?"

"Son, I need some more cigarettes please" I rolled my eyes. I knew I shouldn't have answered him. I walked down stairs where he sat watching the TV on mute again. "You know, you CAN put the sound up on that thing"

"I know that dumbass! I like it quiet though"

"Suit yourself" I said sitting on the couch next to him. He punched me.

"Ow! Damn that hurt Dad" He laughed.

"Oh don't be such a sissy Nick. Be a man" I punched him back He was not amused and swiftly back handed me. "Don't you EVER hit me again" He yelled.

"You told me not to be a sissy" I said.

"I need cigarettes asshole" He said putting his last one in his mouth while talking. I rubbed at the red mark forming on my face, "Nick, it was just a love tap. Grow some muscle kid. Don't go telling your brother that I beat you either" He laughed. His abuse was just a joke to him. He had no concept of the hell he has put me through. No one did.

"Fine, what kind of cigarettes do you want?"

"Any. I'm not picky" He said now focusing once again on the TV screen.

I bundled up and left to go get my Dad his cigarettes. I had to stop the car once and throw up on the side of the road. I figured I'd buy him some soda too, otherwise I would just have to come out again.

The rest of the week, I stayed away from Howie, went to school and pasted a fake smile on my face the entire time. Maybe that was my legacy...