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That and the fact that my vocabulary was lacking four little words that I desperatly needed to hear...

I Love You too

My head hurt so bad that I really thought I might pass out. I was in third period. For the last week I had a dull throb aching in my stomach. Like a never ending bout of indigestion. I would occasionally get sick but tried my best to hide it from Howie. After his little blow up, we kind of kept our distance from each other. I figured he needed time to cool off. Today however, I felt totally miserable. I kind of put off going to the nurses office because I didn't want them to bother Howie. But I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't help thinking damn, if this was two weeks later, I could have just signed myself out. Two weeks from now I was legal. Today however, I had to depend on Howie. So I dragged myself to the nurses office where they took my temperature and promptly called home.

"Nick, your brother is coming to get you honey okay?" The nurse said to me while I laid on the bed. I wanted to ask her if he sounded mad. You know so I could gauge how dreadful the rest of my day would be, but decided against it.

"Hi, I'm here to pick up Nick Carter" I heard. The voice was familiar but unexpected completely. I opened my eyes to see the nurse ushering Kevin in to get me. I sat up immediately thinking the worst. "Oh my God, what happened?" I asked him.

He came over and grabbed my backpack from me, "Nothing's wrong Nicky, come on let's go home and get you to bed" He put his hand on my back as we walked out of the building. "So, why are you here if nothing is wrong?" I asked him as he put my stuff in his rental car's trunk.

"Howie needed a break" He said as if he lived right up the street from me. Like he didn't travel from half way across the USA to get here. "A break?"

"Yeah, he's stressed out Nicky. I came up here to give him a break" I rested my head against the window. He needed a break from me?

"Where did he go?" I asked closing my eyes against the feel of the cool window pane.

"He went to Georgia"

"Georgia?"

"Yes"

"To see Brian?

"Yes, he is staying with Bri and Leighanne for a little while. Help him clear his mind"

I was hurt. Howie had to have planned this out. Why not even tell me? "How long will he be gone?" I asked now looking at Kevin. He returned my gaze while reaching out to touch my forehead. "So, you still feeling sick?"

"Yeah a little"

"You still feel like you have a fever. Do you want to go to the doctor?" I shook my head. Doctor's were unnecessary. That is what my parents always said. The truth is they never wanted to spend money on doctors for me anyway. They would go at the drop of a hat but when it came to me, I always was expected to wait it out.

"NO, I'm okay. I don't need a doctor"

"You sure?" He asked giving me that fatherly look that I often envied his daughters for.

"Yeah, all I need is sleep"

"Okay"

"Kev?"

"Yeah buddy?"

"I am sorry for being a jerk!" He smiled, "It's okay Boo. We'll talk about that when you are feeling a bit better"

"Is Howie okay?"

"Sure, why wouldn't he be?"

"He kind of left suddenly don't you think?"

"I told him to go. He needed to get away from his problems for awhile"

"Like me" I said under my breath.

"Pardon?"

"I'm one of his problems"

"Nick, he is just..well he needs his space"

"Do you know if it's okay if I call him?"

"Why? Do you want to tell him that you hate him?" Kevin was making a joke, but I didn't think it was funny. "Aw come on lighten up kiddo. I am only playing with you" He gently tousled my hair. "Boy you are hot aren't you? Maybe I will take you to the doctor's"

"Kevin NO! God it's bad enough you feel the need to control my life by not letting me work, you aren't gonna tell me when to see a freaking doctor!" I closed my eyes. Mostly because I didn't want to see the look of hurt in HIS. I became an expert at hurting my family.

The rest of the car ride was spent in silence. I pretended to fall asleep so he wouldn't try to lecture me. I instead let my mind wander to the breakfast table earlier that morning. I couldn't believe that Howie never said anything to me. He was sitting there at the table, business as usual reading his paper. I guess he looked over at me a few times. He never opened his mouth though. Not even once. It was me who spoke to him,

"You gonna finish your orange juice?" I had asked him. He looked up from his paper and shook his head. I reached over to grab it from him. "Nicky.." I was so thirsty due mostly to a scratchy throat. I chugged down the juice almost in one gulp. "Okay I'm off" I said throwing my backpack over my shoulder. He looked at me, opened his mouth as if to saysomething, then stopped.

Why did he stop? I mean why couldn't he just say, "Listen Nicky I am going out of town for a few days. Be good and I'll miss you"

Maybe that was the problem I was having with this whole thing. Not even so much that he took off in a moment's notice. Or that he went to stay with MY brother. But that he didn't even say I'll miss you or good-bye or anything. Was I really that disposable to him?

"Boo, we're here little man, wake up" Kevin said while gently shaking me. Maybe I had fallen asleep. I opened my eyes as we pulled into the driveway. He took my bag once again as I made my way into the house. "I think I am just going to go upstairs and lie down for a little while. Are the kids here?" I had almost forgotten to ask him that. I was hoping he had brought Kristin and the girls. I missed them.

"Are the girls here?" I repeated. Of course I should have realized the answer was going to be no.

"No kiddo. They have school. They send hugs and kisses and Amber made you a picture" I smiled. "Okay, I'm going to sleep" I said making my way up the steps. By the time I got into my room, I was a walking zombie.

Instead of sleeping like I should have done, I was obsessing about Howie not telling me why or where he was going. I was hurt and angry. Maybe Brian didn't want me to know. Maybe he was afraid that I would try to go with him. He hates me. I sighed. I couldn't believe how upset I was. So I turned on my side, picked up the phone and dialed Brian's number. I knew that if the hose beast answered the phone I was just going to hang up. Maybe even if Brain answered the phone. I wasn't comfortable talking to him anymore. Funny what a punch can do to somebody.

I called anyway, "Hello?" It was Brian. I actually hesitated. Almost hung up on my own flesh and blood. But I didn't "Hi Brian it's me. Nick"

"Oh, hi Nicky" He said sounding nervous. Oh my God he really doesn't want me to call him does he? I wanted to hang up right then and there. "What's up?"

"Nothing much. Can I speak to Howie?" Again more hesitation. I got a little choked up. They didn't want me. They were sorry I had called. So was I.

"You know what Nick, Howie is sleeping right now. I'll tell him you called though okay?" I could picture the scene in my head. I could picture Howie sitting right next to Brian giving him the cut off sign. The I'm not here. Maybe he even mimed himself sleeping so Brian would pick up on it. After I would hang up they would breath a sigh of relief.

"Okay well, he doesn't have to call me back or anything" I knew D didn't want to, so I wasn't going to make him. "Could you just tell him I was worried and that I love him?" Ha! Thought I'd throw that in for guilt. "Sure thing Nicky" There was an awkward pause.

"Okay well, bye then"

"Hey..Don't you love me too or is it just Howie you love?" He asked laughing.

"I love you Brian but you know that"

"Yes I do" We both laughed but I needed to hear him tell me he loved me.

"Okay well have a good night Boo boo and We'll talk to you later"

He never did.

I hung up the phone, pulled the blankets up over my head and cried.

Kevin knocked lightly on the door and opened it a crack. "Nick?" I swallowed my emotions. I didn't want him to know I was crying, "Yeah?"

"I brought your backpack up"

"Thanks"

He came in and sat on my bed, reaching under the covers and feeling my head. "Nicky, I really think you should go to the doctors"

"No"

"If this fever isn't gone by tomorrow You are going. Even if I have to carry you there" I was angry but happy all at once. No one had really ever thought twice about me being sick. It was nice to see someone care. I wanted to pull the covers down to reveal my wet eyes but I didn't. It's funny that he sat there gently rubbing my back totally unaware that I was falling apart right under his protective hand. I guess if I had looked up at him, I would have noticed the tears running from his eyes. Neither of us did though. So we sat in silence. Crying to ourselves, instead of reaching out to each other.

The next morning I did not go to school but found myself in the doctor's office. I had strep throat, nothing big. He prescribed some medicine and told me to take off school for the rest of the week. I had decided to just stay up in my room. It was better than being around Dad who ironically was always on his best behavior when Kevin was around. Howie never called me back, but I did tell Brian that he didn't have to. I was still hoping he would. I was worried about him. Part of me was scared to. Scared to death that he was never going to come back. Kevin once again came into my room.

"Hey buddy how are you feeling?"

"I've been better"

"I know"

"Hey Kev, how long are you staying?"

"Until Saturday" I tried not to look disappointed. Since It was only five days away. "Is Howie coming back on Saturday?"

"Not sure"

"He'll be back by the 28th right?" I asked him. I didn't want to flat out say my birthday.

"I don't know buddy"

"Is he okay? I mean if he isn't I really want to know" Kevin looked at me and smiled. Brushing his hand across my cheek and grabbing my chin in a loving way, he said "Nick, you worry too much. If you keep it up, you're gonna give yourself an ulcer"

"I worry because no one ever tells me anything"

"He is fine okay? And hopefully he will be back by your birthday"

"I don't want to be alone with dad on my birthday Kevin"

"You won't be"

"You promise?"

"Yeah Boo, I promise" He moved his hand up to my hair and moved it away from my eyes. I didn't want him to ever leave.

He got up and as I laid down I had the urge to express my feelings, "I love you Kevin" He turned, a little surprised, "I love you too Nick" He said as he shut off the light. I slept soundly that night. Probably the first time in weeks...