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I would look to my five older siblings for comfort, hoping that they would be the ones to help me out, yet always scared that in the end they would slowly disintegrate just like Mom, Dad and Mel...

Phone calls and Howie

I woke up with a great sense of relief the next day. Relief thinking I had survived yet another birthday and AJ called right? I found myself smiling, thinking about his call to me last night. The others would call today or in the next few days, with excuses. The sorry I forgots or the I tried calling but the line was busy. That one was always my favorite. The blatant lie!

I shot down the stairs and for some reason decided to slide down the bannister, why not? No one was there to stop me. I slide all the way down jumping off and headed for the kitchen. As I opened my cereal box, the phone rang.

"Hello"

"Hey Birthday boy!"

"Hi Kevin and thanks but you're a day late"

"I know, I'm really sorry but, I figured you were out partying all day. I wanted to catch you home" That was a new one.

"Well, you got me home" I couldn't believe my mood. I was downright happy. If my birthday was the worst day of the year, the day after was the best. Such a beautiful release of tension.

"I'm glad, so how does it feel to be an old man?"

"Don't know maybe I should ask you!"

"Hey!" He laughed.

"So how's the family?" I asked him

"They're good. So dad didn't bother you too much yesterday right?" That's when I remembered that I never told them he was in the Hope House. Now I had two choices, either tell them or not. Maybe if I told Kevin he would drop everything and come up again. Doubtful but maybe. Or maybe he would get too stressed and stop calling all together. Both has happened before.

"Hello? Earth to Nick come in Nick!"

"Oh..sorry just thinking, um dad is in the Hope House" There was a pause on he other end.

"Did he try to hurt himself?"

"No. Only threatened"

"Damn! Yesterday?"

"Yes"

"Oh Nicky I'm sorry he ruined your birthday!"

"It's okay"

"Have you heard from Howie?" I found myself asking. There was another awkward pause, "Uh..no I haven't"

"Oh okay. I am worried about him. He never called my yesterday and I doubt he would have forgotten"

"Nicky, I'm sure he didn't forget your birthday, he is just trying to work some things out. Did Brian and AJ remember?" Now I found this a rather suspicious question since Howie was supposed to be staying with Brian.

"Well, AJ called near midnight I think but no Brian" but he would realize that when I said Howie never called.

"Oh"

"Isn't Howie staying with Brian?" more silence. Now I was concerned.

"God Kevin, if something is wrong please tell me okay?"

"Nothing is wrong" He was lying.

"Okay"

"Well kiddo I have to go! Hope 18 is the best for you! I love you" I smiled.

"I love you too brother"

When we hung up I sat there over my bowl of Honey Combs wondering what on earth was going on with D. It was so unlike him to just up and leave without even a warning. Leaving me home with dad. Then he doesn't call me on my birthday. I'm not saying that he always remembers. He sometimes doesn't, but he would at least have called me around the time AJ did or sent me a card or something. If I wanted answers I would have to call Brian. I didn't want to though. Maybe it was best to be totally unaware of what was going on. I knew in my heart the news probably wouldn't be good but my curiosity and concern about my big brother, prompted me to give Brian a call. I sat in the living room and dialed. I actually hung up before pressing the final number of Brian's house. A feeling of dread came over me, followed by sharp pains in my stomach. It seemed like any food upset my belly these days. ¨

I sat there holding my stomach with both hands and taking deep breaths. I didn't want to be sick. I was going to let the feeling pass. After a while it did. The cramps subsided and I was able to relax again. I held the phone in my hands once more and this time I went ahead and dialed.

"Hello" Ick Leighanne answered the phone. I almost hung up. Almost.

"Hi Leighanne can I speak to my brother?"

"Sure hang on a second" It was a chilly little conversation between the two of us. You could tell there was no love felt on either end of the line. Probably my fault by she had it coming I guess. There was some whispering as there always is when Leigh is involved, and then Brian finally came to the phone.

"Hey Buddy what's up?"

"Hi Brian. Nothing much..I was just wondering if I could maybe talk to Howie" Big surprise that there was a pause. He's trying to think of an excuse I thought to myself as I patiently waited for a reply.

"Um..Boo he's not here"

"Where is he then?"

"He's out"

"Where?"

"Just out okay?" He sounded nervous, like he expected me to read between the lines.

"Brian is he okay? I mean I haven't heard from him since he left. Is he mad at me or something? Is he coming back?" I sounded like a five year old. Sometimes I hated how needy I was.

"Nick, he's okay and he doesn't hate you. He's just having."

"I know he's having problems dealing with Ricky but still Bri, I haven't heard from him at all"

"I'll make sure he calls you today okay?"

"Really?"

"Yes. I promise" I felt better. That meant that he didn't disappear off the face of the Earth. Not yet anyway.

"Okay thanks a lot Brian" I was waiting for a Happy Birthday but it never came. He rushed me off the phone. I hung up feeling blue. So much for happiness. Thanks Brian!

But now I found my thoughts going back to Howie. What was the deal with him? I hope he really didn't head up to see Ricky. Nothing good can come out of that one. I was sure that that is what he did. He ran back to her. If she hurts him again I'll...

My thoughts were once again interrupted by the phone.

"Hello?"

"Nickolas hello this is Sandy, your dad's case manager" Oh great!

"Yeah hi"

"We were wondering if you planned on coming to see him today"

"I wasn't really planning on it, since we spent some quality time together yesterday" I made sure I stressed the word quality to sound as sarcastic as possible.

"Oh" Of course there was that familiar sound of disappointment in her voice.

"It's just that your dad was hoping so much that you could come and visit him. He really loves you very much" I rolled my eyes. This was the worst part for me, when he went into places like this. They had a way of making you feel like your world should revolve around the nut job! He doesn't love me. The man is not capable of loving anybody. I don't even think he likes himself to be honest.

"I would but I have had these plans for a while now. I had to cancel yesterday because of me having to take him there in the first place"

"Aw Nick, just if even for a few minutes, hey I have an idea" Oh goodie can't wait to hear this one. "And what would that be?" I asked again sounding very sarcastic. I hated her to death. If it was possible to hate someone to death.

"How about you hang up with me and then give your dad a quick phone call?" Oo what a brilliant idea. Did you think of that one yourself bitch?

"Yeah sure whatever"

"Excellent thanks Nickolas" So we hung up the phone and I stood there shaking my head and once again dialed the crazy number.

"Hello?"

"Hi may I please speak to John Carter?" There was a pause.

"Uh I have a baby" I rolled my eyes.

"That is great. Can I speak to John please?"

"I have a baby he is a pigeon" I hate crazy people I hate crazy people.

"Yeah that's great and all but I really just want to speak to John"

"John!!!" He screamed into the home. I could here groaning and shuffling. Yo my dad was coming.

"Yeah what is it?" He asked in his very friendly affable way.

"Hi dad it's me Nick"

"I know who you are asshole! Hi dad it's me Nick. Jesus Christ kid!" He mocked. I was ready to hang up. Yes Sandy what a great idea this was!

"I was just calling to see how you were"

"I'd be a lot better if you could maybe come by with some cigarettes and a few dollars" He really had his social workers fooled. All he cared about was money. He needed me to be a delivery boy nothing more.

"I can't really stop by today dad. Maybe tomorrow though"

"Aw why not?"

"I have things to do"

"Please Nick?"

"I can maybe just come by and drop off a pack of cigarettes would that work?"

"Yes of course excellent thank you"

"Uh huh"

"Well I need to go now. I'll be by later on"

"Okay bye now" He said and then hung up. I stood there with phone in hand, laughing at how someone who was paid top help people could be so stupid. How could she actually think he cared about me Unbelievable.

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~

The rest of my day went smoothly. After hanging up with my dad, I relaxed and watched some TV, then finally went and brought him his things. I didn't even stop in, just handed the smokes to the front desk. I stopped for some fast food on my way home and was just about to start eating when the phone rang again.

"Hello?"

"Nicky?" The voice I had really needed to hear.

"Hey D! How are you? I was worried"

"I know, I'm sorry. Happy Birthday. I'm really sorry I didn't call you yesterday"

"That's okay, I thought you were mad at me or something"

"No, it's nothing like that" He paused. I could tell there was bad news coming.

"I've been kind of in a place"

"What kind of place?"

"I, it's never mind. So how was your birthday?" My heart sank. I could have very easily let him change the subject but not this time, "D, please tell me what's wrong? Are you okay? Is it your health?"

"Oh Nicky I am fine. Totally healthy, I just had a little breakdown that's all" I gasped and felt my stomach knotting up.

"A breakdown?" This can't be happening again. No not again!

"Yeah it's just that..after Ricky it all got to be a bit much for me"

"Oh God Howie, I'm sorry. I should have never.."

"No, it's not your fault Nicky okay? It's mine. I kept things bottled up inside for too long"

"I had no idea, why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to worry"

"Am I the only one who didn't know?"

"Yes. Nicky you had too much to worry about" I almost hung up on him.

"Are you going to be alright?" I sounded defeated. I felt defeated.

"I have been staying at a little place. Kind of like that Hope House place that dad usually goes to. It's nice and it has given me time to think and relax" He was in the same type of place dad was in. Crazy dad.

"Are you there now? Or are you at Brian's?"

"I am still here. I will be for a few more days, then I will be home"

"Okay" I was trying not to sound sad but I couldn't help it. I felt like everything was against us. Fate didn't want us to be a happy normal family.

"How has dad been Nicky? the guys won't tell me" I wanted to cry into the phone. He is crazy! As a matter of fact I spent my birthday in the Hope House with him. A place where only really crazy people go! you know like you! Instead I took a deep breath and bottled it up.

"He is fine"

"Does he want to talk to me?"

< "Howie does he ever want to talk to anybody?" He laughed.

"No, I suppose your right"

"I am right, now get better and get your butt home as soon a possible. I miss you"

"I miss you too Nicky. Sorry I left so abruptly I didn't want to but Brian and Kevin thought it was the best idea"

"That's okay. Howie I love you"

"I love you too! And I'll be home soon"

"Bye"

I sat there holding the phone in my hand and cried. I couldn't believe it. Howie was insane. Howie who by all accounts was the most together of us all. How could this happen? I thought for awhile before reaching the only logical conclusion. Of course I know why it happened, it's my fault!

I threw out my uneaten meal and went upstairs to bed.

At around midnight and I was already sleeping when the phone rang again. Now not only did I fear that call in the middle of the night about dad. But now Howie too. You know the call saying they ended it all. I had gotten that call one to many times for my liking and now always grew uneasy at the sound of the phone at midnight.

"Hello?"

"Boo?"

"Oh my God Brian is Howie dead?"

"No! God how can you say something like that?" He paused ,"Never mind. I know how you could say something like that. No, Howie is fine. I didn't mean to make you worry"

"What's going on then?" I sat up straight in my bed as if I was suddenly jolted by electricity.

"Howie said you sounded sad. I just wanted to check up on you that's all. How's dad? Is he giving you a hard time?"

"Dad is in the Hope House"

"He is? When did that happen?"

"Yesterday! My birthday he threatened to kill himself"

"Why the heck didn't you call one of us?"

"Like you should talk!"

"Nick don't"

"I won't"

"Are you hanging in there?" He asked me, after I could tell he composed himself.

"Yeah I am strong Brian. I will manage"

"I know you are Boo. I just know that's rough especially when you have a jerk for a brother who doesn't even call you on your birthday"

"Yeah, I do have a JERK for a brother"

"Hey!"

"But I will manage. Don't worry about me. I will be just fine"

"Call me whenever you need to okay Boo? please"

"I will"

Then we hung up. I closed my eyes saying the words out loud, hoping if I verbalized them, I would make them true.

Don't worry about me, I will be just fine.

Too bad I didn't know how wrong I was.