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Until I couldn't anymore. When my bottled up feelings and emotions made me physically ill, it was a turning point in my life...

The Waiting Place

We just wait here Nicky. That is all we do. Wait for a big break or a better opportunity. Wait for a second chance to tell the people who mean so much to us, that we love them. I love you!

My sister's voice echoed through my mind, like a vivid dream. She was there right next to me holding my hand. Telling me she loved me. That everything would be all right. Had to be all right. I heard her as she sat next to me, felt her warm hands embracing my own. Pulling it up to her mouth and kissing it. The touch of someone who loved and cared about me.

I know something horrible happened to me, I could tell by the roar of the sirens on the way to the hospital and the urgent tone in my brother's voice as he told me to hold on. After that, It all became a blur. A blissful blur. Somewhere between here and forever. My father's voice now came into my head. His hands enveloping mine. Replacing my sister's kind and gentle grasp with the hands of an older person.

"You are going to be okay son. You have to be okay. God won't take you away from me. He already took your sister and your mother. He won't take my baby. No way!!"

Now I knew I was dreaming. My father's concern was the only evidence I needed. Had I called out to him? I couldn't remember. It all seemed like so long ago. Maybe it was only minutes. Maybe it has been days. Whatever it was, I liked it. Melissa told me in my dreams that it was the waiting place. She said she lives there now. It seemed like a dull place to be, even in a dream not much exciting happened there.

"How is he dad? Has he woken up yet?"

"His eyelids are fluttering but he hasn't opened those eyes. Open your eyes son. For daddy"

Melissa squeezed my hand now. Tighter than before. She is always there for me. My sister. Whenever I have needed her. Holding my hand as always.

"Hey, any change in him?"

"No"

"Kevin called said he should be here soon. He's at the airport"

Was that Howie? That sounded like Howie. Melissa grabbed my hand tighter and smiled at me. Even though I couldn't see her smile, I felt it.

"Should I go pick him up?"

"No Brian, stay here with Nicky, he needs you"

"He needs you too Howie"

"Well then Kevin can call a cab"

He touched my forehead. His hands were so cold. He must have been outside. I missed Howie. Was he gone though? Why was I missing him? Then I felt a warm kiss on the top of my head. He has been here all along. He wouldn't have gone anywhere.

"What about AJ?"

"He is on his way. He and Sarah took the first plane they could out here"

"Good. Hear that Nicky AJ is coming to"

I heard Melissa humming. God how she loved to sing. When I was little she would hold me in her lap, and sing me to sleep. What was that song you always used to sing Mel?


Where are you going..little one. Little one Where are you going my brother my own turn around and you're two, turn around and you're four turn around and your a young man walking out of the door...


That was the one. So calm and soothing. Her voice made me feel so good. Like I was bathed in love.

"Kevin calm down don't raise your voice"

"Don't tell me to calm down Brian, where is he..Oh my God"

"He will be fine"

"He doesn't look fine"

"NO he doesn't, but he will be fine. He has to be"

"What did the doctors say?"

"It's a bleeding ulcer"

"I know that but why? Isn't he too young for one?"

"Kevin you have to lower your voice. You will upset him. The doctor said he can hear every word we say"

Kevin used to sing me that song to. He held me on his lap when he thought no one was looking and would sing to me and tickle my neck. I hate when people do that. It's all his fault.

"Hey little guy, can you hear me? It's Kevin. Open your eyes for me buddy"

Of course I can hear you Kevin. Didn't you listen to what Brian said. I can hear every word but then again why wouldn't I be able to. What an odd dream.

"What can cause something like this?"

"There's lot's of things. The doctor was saying it had a lot to do with stress"

"Did we do this to him?"

"Stop talking nonsense Kevin, no one is to blame"

Mel always said that. No one is to blame. Said? I meant says that. I would come home from school and complain about things. Teachers, projects and such. She would listen always with a concerned look on her face. Like what I was saying was the most important thing she has ever heard. Then after my ranting she would say no one is to blame. Maybe that was her, although it sounded a bit like Howie.

"He looks so young"

"He is so young Brian"

"I know but lying there hooked up to all those machines, he looks like a child"

Don't cry Brian. I hate it when he cries. He is so emotional. He is the only guy I know that cried like an idiot at the end of ET. I was terrified of that creature. Still to this day when I watch it, I cringe when he says ET phone home. He was crying so much he hyperventilated. What a wussy. The worst part is when he cried I cried. Never so he could see but always off to the side.

"You have to be okay Boo! Please open your eyes"

"Why isn't he okay? I thought bleeding ulcers weren't all that dangerous"

"When they bleed they are always dangerous. He lost a lot of blood before he finally called for help. The doctors are concerned"

I felt the tickle of a tear fall onto my hand. That must be the hand that Brian is holding. His hands are so soft and gentle. He will make a great daddy someday. He has that kind loving touch of a father. I wish he was my father.

"We've all donated blood. You can too you know"

"I will, where do I go?"

"Here Kev, I'll show you"

"Thanks Howie. I'll be back Nicky"

Don't leave me Brian. I hate it when you leave me. The feel of his hand still firmly planted in mine made me relax. When I wake up let's play basketball. Just like the old days.

He can't hear you Nicky. But he would love to play basketball with you. He really loves you. I hope you know that. We all really love you. Don't let yourself feel as alone as you do. It's not making you well. Dad and Mom love you to, in their own special way. He is worried sick about you.

Melissa had a way about her. Making everyone feel special. I did it again. She HAS a way about her. That is why we all love her so much. Maybe if she says it, I might believe her. But then why does everyone leave me? If they care so much? Why do they go away? Why did you go away?

They are here now. So am I. Focus on that every once and awhile. Don't wonder why they leave, wonder why they come back. And Nicky they ALWAYS come back. They come back for you.

But you didn't come back. I have always thought you would never leave me Mel, but you did. Didn't you?

I'm right here baby. I always will be. Don't block me out. I live in your heart. My spirit and yours are the same. I am dead baby, but you have to live. For the both if us.

Melissa is dead? NO. I would remember something like that. I want this horrible dream to end. This is not a nice place to be anymore. The waiting place. But then again, haven't I been here my whole life?

"Nicky, I hope you can hear me. I'm so sorry for being such a jerk to you. Please, if you open your eyes, it will all be different. I promise"

"Don't make promises you can't keep son"

"Dad, stay out of this"

"No, Brian, you aren't going to move back here and hold the boys hand. You can't let him think you will. That's not how the world works. No..once he gets better, you will leave again and only call on holidays"

Dad was right. Brian did only call on holidays. That's why I missed him so much, because he WAS gone.

"Why do you always have to be so cruel?"

"Because that's the way the world works"

Brian's grip on my hand loosened a bit. But he was still there. I felt the warmth of his breath as he bent down to whisper in my ear. He had been sucking on a spearmint Certs. He is addicted to those things.

"Don't believe him. I'm not going anywhere"

I won't believe him Brian, I believe you. Always.

"I think I am going to call a cab for dad, Leigh is at home dad so she will keep you company"

"Oh not that one again! Okay well at least she can cook"

"She feels the same about you dad"

I heard her approach and then I felt a kiss on my cheek. A hand was moving my hair away from my face. Lovingly and gentle.

"I love you son"

Was whispered in a barely audible voice. Then it was gone. I thought she had left me again, but her humming made me realize she was right there. But why did she call me son?


Turn around and your two turn around and your four turn around and your a father with babes of your own


You need to leave the waiting place now Nicky. This is not where you belong anymore.

She was right. I needed so much more. If I spent my whole life just waiting for things to get better they never will. I had to change them. Make them better.

There are no seasons here either, have you noticed? It always feels like winter. Dark cold and dismal. Sometimes you just need a change.

I felt her eyes on me. I couldn't see her, but I felt her. The slight twinkle under her left eye. Usually followed by a wink. Howie always did the same thing.

"Things have to change you guys know that right?"

"Yes we know that Kevin"

"Because this can't happen again"

"We know that too"

"The doctor recommended therapy for him"

"Really? I think it's a good idea. He needs to talk about his problems"

"It helped me"

"Then it will help him"

Maybe they are right. Maybe I do need therapy. I always thought it would make me a crazy person, but maybe it wouldn't. What do you think Mel? Mel?

We just wait here Nicky. That is all we do. Wait for a big break or a better opportunity. Wait for a second chance to tell the people who mean so much to us, that we love them.

Don't wait anymore! And I love you!

Then just like that she was gone. Only a memory. That's all she was. But she was more than a memory, she was my sister and I loved her and missed her very much.

"His eyelids are fluttering again. I think he's trying to wake up"

Yes, I am trying Howie I promise.

"Come on kiddo, open those baby blues okay? For me?"

I saw a blur as my eyes slowly opened. It was the rest of my life and it was all beginning to come into focus for me...