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It made me stop for a moment and reexamine where I have been and where I am going...

Healing

I had trouble opening my eyes at first. I was so weak that it physically hurt to even move them. It felt like they weighed a ton. I tried my hardest though. As I started to wake more into the reality of what had happened, I also started to realize the amount of pain I was in. I hurt all over. I had never felt pain like this, ever. I groaned and instantly felt Howie's grip on my hand tighten and the soft patter of footsteps make their way to the bed that I was laying in.

"Come on, baby, that's it... that's it"

"He's waking up" Yup clearly that was Howie's voice. I'm glad to know he wasn't just a dream.

Then I felt my other hand in someone's embrace. I turned my head toward the squeeze and finally opened my eyes to see Brian staring back at me. He was sitting at first but when I tried to speak he moved quickly to a standing position right next to me.

"Don't speak" He said as if he was reading my mind. Then he turned to someone, probably Kevin who had disappeared from my view, "Go get a doctor and tell them he has woken up"

Brian turned his attention back towards me and warmly patted my sweaty hair and kissed me on the forehead. "You're going to be just fine Boo. Welcome back" I wanted to turn towards Howie but my head was just a little too weak. I felt his hand in my own, so I gripped it as tight as I could. I wanted him to know I knew he was there. That I knew he had always been there and always will be there. For now he would have to read that all in the gentle squeeze.

Shortly after waking, Kevin came back into the room with a doctor. He poked and prodded me and shined a light in my eyes. "Welcome back to the land of the living Mr. Carter. We missed you" He said pulling away from me and checking my chart. Once again I tried to speak, "No, don't try to say anything, you have had a tube down your throat to help you breath, so your throat will feel itchy and irritated for awhile. Also you need to rest everything. That includes your voice" I wanted to know what happened to me. I had a feeling from hearing my brothers talk that I had surgery for something. All I wanted to do was ask.

"Amm..I" Wow, the doctor was right, I couldn't say anymore. It felt like the worst sore throat in the world had hit me. I winced at the pain and dryness. Now all I really wanted was some water.

"Didn't you just hear what the doctor said?" Kevin asked me, even though I was lying in a hospital bed, he still found time to scald me. I nodded. The doctor walked over to me, "You have an ulcer Nick and it bled. You lost a lot of blood. You are a very lucky boy to be alive right now. That's how much blood you lost. You are going to have to make some changes to your diet and such, but that we can talk about later on. Enjoy your reunion with your family" He then wrote some things down on his pad and left the room.

After that I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up, AJ was there. He was sitting on my bed playing cards with Howie as Brian still sat next to me holding my hand. "Hey" Brian whispered to me. I smiled back to him. "You know everytime you wake up, you look better and better"

"Everytime?" I managed to get out. My throat felt much better now, but it was still dry.

"Yes, you have been going in and out of sleep for the last three days" He said now taking a seat next to me on my bed. Still never letting go of my hand. "Hey kiddo!" AJ said finally realizing I was awake and jumped down off the bed and scrambled over to hug me. "Easy J" Howie said, trying to pull him off of me. "You know who I am now?" I nodded.

"Why wouldn't I know who you are?"

"Because you have been out of it my dear child"

"Oh, well yes I know who you are. You're not exactly the easy to forget type you know" They all laughed happy to see me cracking jokes again. "Where's Kevin?"

"He's helping dad move out"

"Dad's moving out?"

"Yes, We thought it was for the best, so he is going to another group home. They found him an emergency placement"

"He doesn't have to move out" I was suddenly feeling guilty for getting my father kicked out of his own house.

"Boo, you need to not be stressed all the time. We know how bad dad stresses you out. It's not healthy for you" Howie said caressing my cheek as he spoke.

"But I don't want to be alone"

"You won't be. I am here Nicky. Remember me? your roomie?" Howie joked.

"He doesn't have to leave because of me"

"He wanted to, it was his idea" Brian said surprising the crap out of me.

"His idea?"

"Yeah Boo, he thought it was best. He said he didn't want some sick kid bugging him all day long" Brian winked at me. But for the first time the strangest thing happened. I looked beyond the words that my brother just said and saw that it was my father's concern that had him moving out.

For the first time since I had really come out of my deep slumber, I also got a good look at Brian. He looked tired and well, gross! His hair was matted and he was growing a slight beard. He looked like he hadn't slept in ages by the big black bags under his eyes. "You look awful" I said to him. He seemed to think that was really funny. "Yeah well you're not looking to hot yourself" A ruffle of my hair and me smile again, "But I'm sick. What's your excuse?"

"You're my excuse dum dum"

"See Brian I told you, you need to go home and get some sleep. Nicky here will manage just fine with AJ and I okay?" Howie's request sounded more like a demand and I realized that maybe Brian has been here by my side this entire time. How long that was I had no clue though. "Hey, how long have I been here anyway?"

"For about five days now. Two of which you were totally unconscious. The other three you have drifted in and out" Brian answered through a yawn.

"Five days?" That was very hard for me to grasp. The fact that I was here but not, was strange. I lost five days. Then I started to panic about school. It was not good to miss that much school especially for me, who had relentlessly slacked off prior to my little hospital stay. The last thing I wanted to do was repeat my last year of school. I tried sitting up which brought all three brothers to my bedside pushing me back down.

"Now hang on buckaroo, where do you think you are going?" AJ asked still firmly holding my shoulder down on the bed.

"I have to go to school. I can't not graduate"

"Well, you are just going to have to take your time buddy. Kevin talked to your teachers. They all know you are sick. They have been sending homework. We'll do it at a slow pace. Little by little. It will all work out don't worry"

"Yeah afterall, worrying is what you got you here in the first place" AJ said finally easing up on my shoulder and playfully hitting the top of my head.

"It is?"

"Yes, you need to not stress out about things so much baby" Howie said. He was calling me baby. That just reaffirmed what a bad situation I must have been in. He only did that when he was scared or grateful for my company. "I'm sorry I made you all worry so much" I said feeling my eyelids begin to close again. I was trying to fight sleep but in the end, it won the battle.

I awoke to find Kevin's tall silhouette in my room. Day must have just turned to night because I could barely see him. I knew it was Kevin by the long legs stretched out and the hand holding his sleepy chin up.

"Kevin?" I asked in a low voice. If he was asleep I didn't want to wake him up, but I really needed some water. My lips were cracking from being so dry.

"He sat up in his chair and stretched, "Yeah buddy?"

"Can I have some water please?" He stood up and poured some water into a plastic cup from the pitcher sitting on my little night stand. I tried to sit up but I couldn't do it, so he came over sat next to me on the bed and helped lift me to a sitting position. I tried to grab the cup but my hands were too shaky so he placed the cup to my lips and I drank. He pulled it away before I was satisfied. "The doctor said you shouldn't drink too much at one time" I nodded and started to lay back down.

He pulled all the way into the bed and led my head onto his chest. "Don't worry you don't look like a sissy" I had to smile. He knew me so well, that's exactly what I was thinking. "When am I not going to be so tired?" He gently rubbed my back. "When your body decides it is healed"

"Where is everyone?"

"I sent them home. It's late and Howie and Brian haven't left you since you've been here"

"Really?" I was being calmed by his chest rising and falling in time with his heart. I vaguely remember lying on him like this when I was a little child. "Yes, of course. Nicky, you scared the holy hell out of us!"

"Sorry"

"Don't apologize but I think you aged us all about twenty more years"

"Wow you were already an old fuddy dud"

"Hey!" He laughed.

"I had no idea I was so sick"

"You were. And if you EVER feel like that again, don't wait until you are vomiting blood to tell someone okay? Promise!"

"I promise"

"Good. AJ wanted to stay but I told him I needed alone time with my baby brother. Plus he annoys the crap out of me" Then unexpectedly I said something that I hadn't allowed myself to utter in quite some time.

"I miss Melissa" His embrace tightened, "I know you do. I do too. I think about her all the time"

"I hope she makes it out of the waiting place one day"

"What?"

"It's nothing, I just hope she is happy"

"Me too"

"Do you think Mom is happy?" There was another person I never really allowed myself to think about. My mother.

"Not sure Boo, but let's not worry about them. Are you happy?" He asked me.

Now there's a question that I had always overlooked my whole life. Happiness seemed there for other people not for me. But maybe I was happy. Maybe if I wasn't, I should be.

"I think so"

"Good you need to be happy. You deserve it"

"Yeah I do. You're right. Thanks Kevin"

"No problem. I love you kiddo"

"I love you too"

"Now get some sleep" And just like that, I did. Kevin rubbed my back while I drifted off to sleep. He was humming. Just like Melissa. I needed to heal. Not only physically but mentally..