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Then a had a mystic revelation and everything suddenly made sense. We were all crazy not just me...

The Awakening

I could not wait to get out of that hospital bed. Once I remained conscious enough to be bored, I wanted out! But yet, none of the doctors were ready to release me. AJ joked that it was my charm and good looks that made them keep me. Maybe he was right, but I think they just wanted my money.

Money, now when I even uttered the word, I felt a pang in my stomach. How in the heck were we going to pay for this hospital stay? I had surgery and was attached to machines. We were going to end up living on the street. What's worse is, I didn't really have real coverage. Just the mandatory stuff from school. Because Dad was mentally ill, he was covered by the state, but he didn't actually have me on his policy. I guess in the states eyes, I wasn't as important as him.

"What's wrong?" I looked up at Kevin and Brian who were staring back at me with a look of alarm.

"Nothing. Why do you ask?"

"You're holding your stomach. Why? Do you feel any pain?" They looked so tense that for some reason that calmed me. They cared that much I guess.

"NO, I'm just worrying about the hospital bill" Once again they shot each other a look.

"Boo, why are you worrying about that?" Kevin asked walking over to me and sitting down on the bed.

"I don't know how I am going to pay for this"

"You know what kiddo, how about you let US worry about that. You worry about getting better okay?" Brian added now sitting next to me on the other side. I felt so safe and protected. I don't recall ever feeling like that before.

Safe.

That's the word I was looking for. I mean I knew my family would always be there for me, but I never allowed myself to believe it. Now, I don't know, it started to become easier for me to see. They cared about me. They always have. Just because they were far away didn't mean I was forgotten. Right?

"Nicky, we've been meaning to talk to you about something" Kevin said his tone becoming a little more serious. He helped me sit up and grabbed my hand.

"What is it?" Kevin looked so intense I had to move my gaze to Brian instead, not feeling much better at the seriousness of his facial expression either.

"Guys, what is it? What's wrong?" I looked from boy to boy.

"Look, Nick. After you got so sick and the doctor told us what it was, he recommended therapy for you. We think it's a good idea"

"I'm not crazy Kevin"

"I didn't say you were"

"Then why are you suggesting that I go to a crazy doctor then?"

That's what they were to me. Crazy quacks. They never did any good, just made everyone feel bad. Giving both my Mom and Dad so many drugs that they lost themselves. That wasn't going to happen to me. No way.

"Nick, it's not a 'crazy doctor' it's a therapist. He will help you get through whatever you are feeling inside"

"No! I'm not going"

"Nick, don't be stupid. Go it will help"

"Like it helped Mom? Dad? And Mel?"

"It was different for them"

"How Brian? How was it different for them?" They were both growing uneasy by my mood change.

"You need to relax Nicky. Calm yourself down. The last thing we want is for you to get sick again. I couldn't take it Nick. I can't go through this again" Brian said, cracking evident in his voice. I had put him through so much. Kevin looked the same way. I felt a tear running down my face. Kevin reached over to my cheek and caught it before it fell.

"I am crazy" I said. I had known it all along but refused to admit it openly.

"Aw Nicky, no you're not. You have been dealt a lot of crummy cards. It's time to throw them away and get some better ones" Only Kevin could come up with a poker analogy for this.

"I don't want to be on pills. I don't want them to drug me up"

"Then they won't. They didn't drug me up" I looked at Brian a little shocked.

"What do you mean?" I asked him

"Well, when I had just gotten out of college, all the crap we went through growing up made me depressed. I went to therapy"

"You did?" I don't know why I never knew that.

"Yes, I did..and it helped"

"I did too" Kevin admitted.

"You too?"

"Yes, I was probably your age when I tried to kill myself" I gasped and Brian's head went down. Brian knew.

"You tried to.."

"Commit suicide? Yes" He said finishing my question for me.

"But...why?"

"I felt desperate kiddo. I felt unloved, unwanted and overwhelmed. It all became too much, so I came home from school and tried to overdose on some of Mom's sleeping pills. At that time, Mom was crazy but nobody knew it but us" I saw by the expression on his face that he was revisiting his dark place. I wanted to pull him back out.

"So, what happened?"

"I had a very brief hospital stay and went into therapy. It was the best move I have ever made" He looked at me then with glistening eyes and I pulled him close to me for a hug.

"I never knew"

"You were young"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be. It was probably the best thing that ever happened to me"

"We've all been to therapy Nick. All of us" Brian said grabbing my hand in his.

"Really?"

"Um..yeah, hello...AJ is a whacko!" That lightened the mood and the three of us began to laugh.

"Go, Boo. It will help you" Brian said after a few minutes of silence.

I answered with a nod.

"Oh and good news for you, the doctor said you can leave tomorrow! Now that you have actually moved your bowels" I made a disgusted face.

"Why is my doctor discussing my bathroom habits with you Brian?"

"Not sure. But at least we know you are no longer full of shit" We laughed again.

"How's Dad?" I asked. Surprising both Kevin and Brian, but more so myself.

"He's okay. He is already bugging the people at his new place" I smiled. Howie walked in next, carrying a huge bouquet of flowers.

"Hey everybody, Good morning Nicky. I have a gift for you" He placed the flowers by my bed and kissed my forehead.

"Why would you get those for him? He's leaving tomorrow" Kevin said.

"I didn't" He said handing me the card and winking.

I opened the envelope and smiled.

Hey Nickolas,

Don't you ever go doing that to me again!

I have been thinking about you a lot!

When you get out of the hospital call me.

hugs and kisses,

Kelly

"Who's it from?" Brian asked.

"Not important"

"Oh okay. Nicky has a girlfriend Nicky has a girlfriend" Brain sang in his mocking tone.

I rolled my eyes at him.

"Okay Kev and I have a few errands to run before you get home. So Howie here is going to keep you company" I smiled at D. I hadn't really gotten a chance to talk to him since he got home. I guess I was busy bleeding to death or something.

Howie took Kevin's place on the bed. He just looked at me and smiled.

"How are you?" I asked him. He seemed surprised by the question.

"I'm fine Nicky"

"Good. I was worried about you"

"I know. I'm sorry for leaving that way"

"It's okay"

"No it's not. This is probably all my fault"

"God Howie, no it isn't. You needed to get away and I'm glad you did"

He nodded.

"D?"

"Yeah baby?"

"What made you decide to go to therapy?"

"Melissa"

"Really? How?"

Howie took a deep breath. "I found myself turning into Melissa"

"You're okay now though right?"

"Yup. I am still going to therapy. I found a great doctor"

"Can I have his name?"

"It's a her, and of course you can"

We sat in silence. The same comfortable silence I have always known with Howie. I still couldn't get over the fact that they had all been in therapy. Now I would be going too. Maybe this would be the next chapter of my life. The chapter that I was always the most hesitant to write...