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And tried my best to open my heart...

Opening Up and Letting Go

A week after I got home, things started to go back to normal for me. I was to start school again on Monday, which I did to applause when I entered my homeroom. And most of my family had to go back to their lives. Kevin left two days after I got out of the hospital. I totally understood though because he was a teacher and he couldn't afford to be taking off for much longer. Brian and Leighanne also had to leave. She was pregnant and it wasn't good for her to not be home, and just like Kevy, Brian needed to go back to work. AJ and Sarah stayed though. They really didn't have much to go back home too, so they stayed around a while longer to bug us. Howie of course, was home. Finally. And I was glad to have him. I missed the guy while he was gone. I used to take him for granted but you know the old saying, you don't realize what you have until it's gone? Well I didn't.

My healing was right on track and except for an occasional pain when I walked, I was feeling like my old self. So Howie once again, handed me the card of his therapist, and two days later I found myself in the office of Mrs.Shelby Snow. Yes, she did sound like a porn star, kind of looked like one too. I bet that's why Howie picked her. He had told me that if I could get past her beauty, I would be able to benefit from her wisdom.

I sat on a nice leather chair, hands folded into each other, nervously playing with an old gum wrapper. I bit my bottom lip as I waited for her to enter the room. Thousands of excuses entered my mind. Why I should NOT be here and how I can leave. I took a deep breath as she entered the room.

Howie was right, she was absolutely gorgeous. She had curly brown hair and sparkling green eyes. She was buxom but yet motherly. That's how she carried herself. As the world's best Mom. Her age told me that she probably had a child my age. Maybe I went to school with him or her. Great that would mean that everybody would know that I was going to see a crazy doctor and...

"You must be Nick" She said extending her hand to me. I stood up making my gum wrapper fall to the ground.

"Yeah, um..hi"

"Hello Nick, I'm Shelby Snow"

"Hi Dr. Snow"

"Oh heaven's no, I'm not a doctor, just your average psychologist. You can call me Shelby, no Mrs. Snow okay?"

"Okay"

"Good, so sit down and relax. I can tell you are nervous. Are you nervous Nick?"

"Yes a little"

"Well, don't be. There's nothing to be nervous about" She smiled at me. The smile of a warm and friendly person. I could tell she probably was a great Mom. I suddenly found myself jealous of her imaginary children.

"What do you want to talk about Nick?" I looked up at her and shrugged, "I don't know, I'm kind of new to this whole thing"

"Well why don't you tell me what you were just thinking about then" I looked down at the floor. Now she would know I was crazy.

"I was thinking that you seem like you would be a great Mom" She smiled

"That's a very nice thing to say, thank you. I would like to think I am. What about your Mom?"

"What about her?"

"Is she a great Mom?" I laughed under my breath.

"No, she falls under the dead Mom category"

"Oh I'm so sorry. Tell me about her"

"There's not much to tell"

"Do you compare other people to your mother?"

"What are you writing?" I asked her trying to sneak a peak of what she was putting in her notes.

"Just some notes for me to get to know you better. It's no big deal really" I nodded.

"So, you never answered my question, do you compare other people to your mother"

"No not really"

"When did she die?"

"A while ago, I was pretty young" I began to fidget again, I wished I hadn't dropped my gum wrapper. I could really use it about now.

"I can tell you don't really like talking about her. We can talk about something else if you like"

"I don't really want to talk about anything"

"Then why are you here?"

"To make my brothers happy"

"Is that important to you? To make your brothers happy?"

"Yes, I guess so"

"Why?"

Well that was a good question. I never asked myself that before. "I don't know"

"Okay, well maybe that is a good starting point for you. What really made you come to me Nickolas?"

I was feeling uncomfortable. I knew this therapy thing wasn't going to be easy but, "I guess I always find myself wondering what a real Mom acts like"

"Pardon?"

I hesitated and then took a deep breath and said with assurance, "You asked me before, do I compare other people to my Mother. But no, actually I look at people like you for instance, and I wonder what it's like to have a normal Mom" I looked away from her as if I had said something wrong and would soon be laughed at.

"What makes you think your Mom wasn't normal?"

"She wasn't. She never acted like how a Mother is supposed to act"

"And how is a Mother supposed to act?"

"You know, loving, caring, like you are the most important thing in the world"

"And how did she act?"

"Totally opposite"

"How so?"

I suddenly felt myself regretting my Mom outburst. I didn't know if I was ready to talk about her. If I would ever be ready to talk about her. "She hated me"

Shelby looked at me then, with her sweet sympathetic eyes, "Why do you think she hated you?"

"Because I got in her way. Before I was born, she was normal. She did normal Mom things with my brothers and sister. She was a real Mom. I came along and it became different"

"How?"

"Well, she became crazy"

"You mean mentally ill Nick. Was your Mom mentally ill?"

"Yes"

"That must have been hard for you"

"It was. So, she was never like my Mom, more like this crazy person I happened to live with"

"I see"

"Yeah but then I would hear my brothers and dad tell stories about my Mom. How she loved life and having fun"

"Do you blame yourself?" I looked up at her, my eyes a little wet, "Maybe a little"

"Well isn't that a big responsibility. Taking on all that guilt"

"What about your brothers?"

"What about them?"

"Do you think they blame you?" I couldn't even say it, so I just nodded while wiping a tear form my eyes.

"I think that's also why my Dad hates me so much"

"Because he thinks you are responsible for your Mom's illness?"

"Yes" My voice was small and cracking. Shelby reached over and gave me a tissue.

"Nick, mental illness is no one's fault"

"I know that"

"Do you?"

I nodded again

"Is that why you find it so important to please your brothers?"

"I don't know"

"Look at me Nickolas" I looked up at her.

"You have had a very difficult childhood. It's not easy living with mental illness. It is not your fault. Guilt will only lead you to feeling miserable. Let it go"

"I can't"

"Why not? Do you enjoy feeling guilty?"

"No"

"Than just close your eyes and let it fly away. You didn't make your Mom the way she was. Her illness did"

"Do you think that she hated me?" I asked her. She smiled

"I can't answer that question for you, but I think just by asking it yourself, you know the answer"

I wanted to know the answer. The truth is, sometimes it kept me up late at night. Thinking my Mother hated me. It made me feel unworthy of anyone else's love.

"What is the answer to that question Nickolas?"

I looked at her "She didn't hate me"

Shelby nodded. "Well seems like you have just alleviated some of that guilt. How does it feel?"

"Okay I guess" She laughed.

"I loved her though" I couldn't believe I was opening up to this woman.

"I know you did. And she loved you to"

"No I don't think she did"

"Tell me your best memory of your Mother"

I closed my eyes and thought back. There really weren't that many memories when it came to Mom. More stories than memories.

"She used to read to me, this book about fighting alligators" I smiled at the memory, "She would change her voice to coincide with the different characters in the book" Shelby smiled.

"She read the same book to me almost every night. She would alternate it with this other one..I can't remember the name of it, but it had a little boy who flushed a watch down the toilet"

"I Love you Forever" Shelby blurted out.

"Yeah that's the one, there was a song that went along with it, she would sing it and rock me I love you Forever, I like you for always as long as I'm living my baby you'll be" As I came to the end of the little song, I became slower and slower as I took a moment to relive the experience. She used to hold me in one hand and the book and my Winnie The Pooh doll in the other. We would rock on a rocking chair, that had long since been broken. I smiled at the memory. I used to look forward to that every night.

"That is a great book. I used to read that to my son every night as well"

"You did?"

"Yes, and you know why?"

"No. Why?"

"Because I love him" I looked away again but this time my mind saw the expression that played on my Mom's face as she read to me. We were caught in a moment the two of us. She seemed to love being with me as much as I with her. Just for those few moments before sleep. Like I was the most important thing to her world just for that book length. I laughed.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Because...just because"

"Okay"

When our session was over I shook her hand and told her I would be back next week. I walked down to the car humming that song. Picturing my Mother's beautiful face as she sang it to me. She did love me, in her own little way...