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It was hard at first, so many memories came flooding back. Some good and some bad..

Motherless Child

After my first therapy session, I felt revitalized. In an odd sort of way. It felt so good getting everything out in the open. I had never done that before. Almost feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Howie was waiting for me in the waiting area. I had forgotten that he had taken me there.

"So, how did it go?" He asked me curiously as I put on my jacket looking around and hoping not to many people would see me there.

"Okay I guess"

"Good"

I thought he was going to drop the subject, actually I was HOPING he would drop the subject. "So did you like her?"

"Yes, she's really nice" More awkward silence. I started fiddling with his car radio.

"What did you guys talk about?"

"Stuff"

"What kind of stuff?"

"Just stuff"

"Do you feel better about things?"

"I guess"

"Good, because I want you to feel better about things"

"She said it won't happen overnight"

"No, it won't"

"What do you guys talk about?" I asked him. Maybe if he opened up to me, I would open up to him.

"Things"

"Oh, I see, I talk about stuff and you talk about things"

"Yes"

"Do you ever talk about me?" I asked. He smiled, "Sometimes"

"Really?"

"Yes, like how much I worry about you"

"She acted like she knew nothing about me"

"She's supposed to"

"So, did she know Mom killed herself?" He looked over at me.

"Why? Did you talk about Mom?" I shifted in my seat and once again fumbled through the radio stations.

"Yeah..a little"

"Oh. I talk about her too"

"So she did know then?"

"Yes"

"Do you remember Mom singing to me ever?" He looked over at me once again, "No. Mom was not really much of a singer. She was more of a hummer. She would walk around the house humming all the time"

"Oh, but she used to read me this story with a song in it"

"I love you forever" He said with confidence.

"Yes, do you remember that? Did she ever do that with you?"

"She read that book to all of us"

"Oh" I said a little disappointed. I wanted to be the only one.

"I miss Mom sometimes" Howie confessed. "I wish you could have really known her"

"Me too"

"She loved you so much Nicky" I looked over at my brother as he drove. Had he ever told me that before? Maybe he had. Maybe I just never allowed myself to hear it.

"How so?" I asked. Howie seemed surprised that I wanted to pursue the topic. Usually when talk of Mom came up, I became a wall flower, just waiting for the topic to drop.

"Well" He stopped to think for a minute, "Whenever she held you in her arms, she would smile. She had the prettiest smile"

"I remember that"

"Yeah, if she was sad or down, that would all change when she held her darling Nicky"

I wanted to cry. Why was it that every memory I ever allowed myself to have of my Mother was bad? Maybe if I had taken the time to accept her love, things would have been different.

"Whatcha thinkin Boo?" Howie asked when he saw me get very quiet.

"I just wish I could have told her that I loved her"

"You didn't have to tell her Boo, she knew"

He placed his right arm behind my head and gently pulled me towards him. "I don't think I have ever heard you say that you loved Mom before" He told me as he hugged me tight against him. I pulled away more out of embarrassment than anything else. All I needed was one of my friends to drive by while my brother cuddled me. He laughed when I moved away from him. "What do I have cooties or something?"

"God Howie, cooties?" I laughed.

"D, can we go see her?"

He turned to me once again, "Mom?"

"Yes"

"Sure thing Nick"

We passed our house and went towards the graveyard. The place that I had avoided since my sister's death. Even when I went to visit Melissa, I never came here. I always chose instead to go to her tree. We drove through the gates that led to the graveyard and I suddenly got scared. Like how you might feel confronting an estranged family member for the first time. I needed to do this though. As we parked close to her burial ground, Howie looked towards me, "You sure?"

"Yes"

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No" I said and then unfastening my seatbelt, I got out of the car. I walked slowly towards her grave. Feeling bad that we had not really visited much. All the tombstones that I encountered on my way, seemed to be lined with flowers. I knew my Mom's would be bare. Just the thought made me sad. This woman gave me life, yet I couldn't even bring her a flower from time to time.

I was surprised to see a fresh bunch of carnations at the foot of her tombstone. Maybe Howie had brought them. I stopped and stood right above her grave, feeling a little dumb. Now that I was here, I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to do. I just stared, for a little while. Not speaking. Just looking at her name engraved in stone. Not ever feeling a connection before. To me all she was, was a name.

"Hi Mom" I said after standing there in silence for awhile. "It's me Nicky. I'm sorry I haven't been here in awhile" I tried to think of the last time I was here. I think it was when Melissa died. I remember briefly standing here, no emotion, feeling cheated. "I'm all grown up now Mom. I just turned 18 and I'm going to be graduating from high school" I looked around to make sure no one was watching me talk to some dead person. For some reason talking to Mel's tree didn't bother me, but this did.

"I wanted to come to see you because...well.." I couldn't find the words. A small breeze blew by, making her carnations roll away. I quickly moved to put them back where they were. Now eye level to her tombstone. "I'm sorry" I whispered, "I'm sorry for never telling you I loved you. I'm sorry that I blocked you out. I'm sorry that you never got to see me grow up" I was now kneeling right on top of her, talking to her tombstone like it was her face. "When I was young, I was angry. I didn't think you loved me. Sometimes I still think that maybe you didn't love me...You did though didn't you?"

"Yes she did" Howie said squatting down next to me. I felt dumb. He had tears in his eyes which made me realize he was listening to me the entire time. I looked down at the ground.

"Why are you out here?" I asked him.

"She loved you" He reiterated by putting his arms around me again. This time I didn't care if we looked stupid. I needed him there.

"Nick, she would be so proud of you if she were still alive. You know that? Totally proud of you"

"You think?" I asked him. He turned me towards him, "I know"

"Thanks" I said moving away from him.

"Not a problem" He stood up, "I am going back to the car" He started to walk away, "Nicky?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you"

"I love you too Howie" When he was gone, I turned my attention back to my Mother. Everyone told me I had her laugh. "Mom, I just wanted to say thanks and I wish I had gotten to know you better" My yes turned towards a familiar voice. I looked over towards my sister was buried and saw my father and his case worker, Sandy walking towards me. He had his hand in hers laughing. They almost looked like a couple. They stopped when she saw me staring at her.

"Hello Nickolas" She said. My dad looked at me suspiciously. Like I was invading his space. "What are you doing here?" She asked me.

"Visiting my Mom" Dad walked over to my Mom's grave, bent down and placed a hand on her tombstone, "Here that honey, your baby is here" He was talking so soft and sweetly to my Mom, then I noticed that in his hands he was carrying some fresh flowers. "You put those on her grave?" I asked him.

"Of course I did" He looked away from me and back to my Mother, "Carnations were her favorite"

"Oh. I never knew that" He smiled, and placed the remaining flowers on to the grass at the base by her grave. He kissed the tombstone then. I saw my Dad briefly in a different light. That of a husband. A man who cared deeply for his wife and still missed her, years after her death. I decided to leave him alone with her. "Bye Mommy" I said rubbing my hands on the top of her tombstone. I then looked over at my father, "Bye dad" I said. He nodded. Seeming not to really care if I was there or not.

I walked back to my brother's car feeling enlightened and also feeling like someone's son for the first time ever.