[ - ]
Table of Contents [Report This]
Printer Chapter or Story Microsoft Word Chapter or Story
- Text Size +
I was forced to analyze myself and my relationships with the people I loved.

ME

I made sure I told Shelby about my visit to my Mother's grave in our next session a week later. I felt very comfortable talking to her. I never thought I would feel comfortable talking to anybody ever, but she was great! She listened intently as I told her about what I said to my Mom and the fact that my Dad was there with his social worker.

"Why did you say it like that?" She asked me. I looked over at her.

"Like what?" I asked, not quite sure where she was going with this line of questioning.

"When you mentioned your dad's social worker, you rolled your eyes. Do you not like her?"

"Oh, No I actually HATE her!" She smirked.

"Oh my, why?"

"Because I do"

"So, your saying you really don't have a reason then?"

"No, I didn't say that at all"

"But you also couldn't give me a real reason either"

"Fine. You want a real reason? I'll give you a real reason. She is an incompetent jerk!"

"What makes her incompetent?"

"She coddles dad"

"How?" I hated when she kept asking me questions. I realized that's how she got her information but still it got annoying sometimes.

"She just gives him everything he wants. She enables him"

"Okay. And you don't like that huh?"

"No I don't"

"Why?"

"Because he will never get better if he always knows that people will give him what he wants"

"What will make him better?" I looked at her. I was supposed to know what was going to make him better?

"I don't know. Maybe if he had to work for something for once. Not have it handed to him"

"I see" She said.

"I don't want to talk about him anymore today. Can we talk about something else?" She put down her pen and looked at me. "Sure Nick, what else would you like to talk about?"

"I don't know, but not dad"

"What about you?"

"Me?"

"Yes. We haven't talked about you yet"

"Sure we have"

"No, not really" She said pulling her glasses down slightly as if to say, I know what I'm talking about young man.

"What do you want to know?" I asked her now shifting uncomfortably in my chair.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" I laughed at the simplicity of the question. Then I stopped for a moment and thought about it. The funny thing is, I had never really put all that much thought into things. I mean I had some ideas, but they weren't very practical.

"I'm not really sure" I finally answered.

"You're not? Graduation's right around the corner"

"I know. I haven't thought about it so much"

"Because you don't like to think about yourself do you Nick?" I shrugged.

"What are your dreams?" I shrugged again. She began to write some more notes down on her pad. I was quickly becoming sad. Why couldn't I just list some dreams and possible occupations for her? Was I THAT odd? "

I love to draw" I said in a whisper. She looked up from her pad.

"That's fabulous Nickolas"

"Yeah, I think it's fun. I also love to write"

"You do? What do you like to write?"

"I don't know, little stories and stuff. Nothing to big"

"I would love to see them sometime"

"Nah! They're stupid"

"Will you do something for me then?"

"Sure, Shelby. What do you want me to do?"

"Write me a little story about you"

"Me? A true story? Can I make myself a superhero?" She laughed.

"No, I want you to write me the biography of Nick Carter"

"It will be really boring" She laughed again, "Well do it anyway. Include you're whole family"

"Okay. I will try but it will be hard"

"Yes, you're right it probably will be"

So with my assignment in my hand, I went home to begin to write about ME. My least favorite topic.

I got home to the smell of peppers and onions being fried on the stove. That had to mean one thing. Sarah was cooking. She loved to make perogies smothered in onions and red bell peppers. I think she did it to torture me because I wasn't allowed to eat them. I had to stay away from most fried foods because of my ulcer. I would still manage to sneak a few of them though, I would have to sneak! If Howie saw me putting anything fried into my mouth, he would flip out!

Howie. He was back to his old self, much to mine and my families relief. Once he got back home he just kicked back into his old routine, even his morning jogs. I opened the front door and breathed in the wonderful smells coming from the kitchen. I loved it when Sarah was here. It felt like a home again. AJ was sitting in the living room watching or rather, flipping through the channels. "Hey Nicky! How are you doing brother?"

"Fine" I answered, dropping my backpack on the floor and taking a seat next to him. I had decided to go see Shelby right after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This way, Howie wouldn't want to drive me there. I could go myself. It made the days longer but it worked out better for me that way.

"Did I hear my favorite blonde just walk in?" Sarah said coming into the room and sitting on my lap, giving me a big kiss on the cheek. "Hey! She is mine buddy!" AJ said playfully. I loved having them here. I wish they could stay forever.

"Dinner is almost ready guys. Nick I have made you some pasta, but you can have a perogie or two, we just won't tell Howie" She then winked and returned to the kitchen. We had a great dinner. I laughed as AJ and Sarah playfully argued about which of the two was a better cook. I had my own opinion on that one. After hanging out with them for a bit, I forced myself to go upstairs and start that paper. The one I had promised Shelby I'd write.

I sat there just swirling the pencil around in my hand, blank piece of paper in front of me. I had tossed some ideas around in my head but that's all they were. Ideas. Not really truth. How do you write something that you didn't understand? For me, it was my life. I didn't get it. I didn't get me.

I decided to go look at myself in the mirror. Maybe that would give me some idea. I didn't really enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. In fact I avoided it at all costs. Howie, now he would spend hours in front of the mirror. AJ too. It just wasn't something I enjoyed doing very much. It was odd that I suddenly felt so compelled to do it. So I stood there staring at myself. I never noticed how much I licked my lips, but just in the matter of three minutes, that I spent staring at myself in the mirror, I must have licked my lips like a thousand times. I laughed. My crooked smile made me turn away. Okay maybe looking into the mirror was a bad idea.

I walked back over to my desk and once again sat there staring at the blank paper. Luckily a knock on the door, took me away from myself.

"Come in" AJ entered the room and plopped down on the bed, "Hey buddy, just wondering what you're up to?" I swiveled in my chair to face the bed, "Not much"

"Homework?"

"I guess, kind of"

"Anything I can help you with? Except for math. I suck at math!"

"I have to write a paper"

"Ew! I remember those days. I don't miss them. What do you have to write about?"

"Me"

"You?"

"Yeah. I am supposed to write a story about me"

"Ooo, sounds like fun. Make yourself a superhero!"

"I can't I have to just be lil old me"

"How are you gonna start it?"

"I don't know"

"You want help?" I almost said yes. But I knew it was something I had to do by myself.

"No, that's okay"

"Alright if you're sure"

"Yeah I'm sure. I need to do this solo"

"Okay, well I just came in to check up on you, making sure you weren't doing drugs or masturbating or anything"

"AJ!" AJ got up and tousled my hair. "Just kidding! Goodnight Nick"

"Night AJ" After he left I once again turned to my paper, laughing at what he had said about drugs and masturbating. If there was something I had in common with him, it was his sense of humor.

Hey maybe that was a good way to start: When I look in a mirror I see AJ. His smile, his humor, his intelligence. I see Brian's eyes. The eyes of someone who is kind. I inherited Kevin's temper and intensity. Taking things too seriously sometimes but like AJ still able to laugh it off. Howie's patience also runs through my veins. I am a little bit of all four of them. Kevin, Howard, Brian and Alex. When I think of me I see them...

I continued to write my story well into the evening. By the time I was finished it was almost 3am. It was good though. I was proud. I couldn't wait for Shelby to see it.

"This is very good Nick. You certainly do have a talent for writing" Shelby said when she saw my finished product two days later.

"You think so?" For some reason, her opinion was very important to me.

"Yes! Truly talented"

"Thank you"

"This is a great start you know that?" I smiled at her. "Now maybe in a few months when I ask you to do this again, you will be able to step out of your brothers shadows and become you own person"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't let them define you Nick. YOU need to define you"

"I guess"

"NO!" She yelled it. I shuddered. I was afraid she was going to hit me.

"You need to know it. Not just guess it"

"Okay fine! I know it then" I didn't mean to sound sarcastic, but I did. She grabbed my hand in a gentle loving way, and lowering her voice to the calm tone I was used to, she said "No you don't...not yet. But you will"

I nodded. "One more question, why didn't you mention your sister in this story at all?" My heart raced. Did I actually forget my sister?

"I don't know" I said honestly.

"Well, let's save that question for another day. You did good Nick!"

I walked back to my car and sat there in silence for a bit. I need to define ME, not them. How do you define someone you don't know?