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So I would just go with the flow, hoping that in the end, everything would turn out just fine. It never did though. Only fairy tales have happy endings, and my life was far from a fairy tale...

Ah, Look At All The Lonely People

Ricky left the following morning and just as I had predicted, she never came back. Howie didn't take the news well at all. She loved it there in Texas. From the first week she went, she sounded so happy, D knew she was gonna take the job.

She called him from a cell phone, crying as she talked and told him it was the best decision she could make. If they truly loved each other, than they would once again, be together. It was poetic, but a bunch of bologna. Howie believed her though, told her that he would be waiting for her, when and if she ever decided to return. She told him to tell me the news. Didn't even have the guts to tell me herself.

She knew she couldn't lie to me. So once again, the male Carter's were fending for themselves. I felt bad for D. He seemed so lost without Ricky. They had dated for such a long time. I also felt guilty. Like the only reason he was not following her down there was because of me. I never told him not to go. He never asked.

He has kept to himself ever since Ricky's announcement. Working late and coming home and going right to sleep. I was worried about him, so I called Brian. In turn Brian decided to come up for Christmas. I was happy. It would be nice having him up for the holidays. We had spent Thanksgiving alone. Just the three of us, Howie, Ricky and I, minus Dad.

Dad had taken a turn since Mel's death. He kind of reverted into a huge depression. Not saying much to anybody. Truthfully, I didn't mind him being like that. I know it was a selfish way to look at things, but I needed to be selfish sometimes.

Unfortunately, that didn't last long and he turned back into his old angry, hostile self. He had been overly aggressive at his home and had been given several warnings to behave. He was hospitalized shortly before Thanksgiving because he tried yet again to kill himself. Not really even tried, more threatened. It was impossible to kill yourself where he was living now. Nurses were on staff 24/7 watching him and preventing him from using anything that could even remotely hurt any of the clients there. They weren't even allowed to have shoelaces. Still my Dad found a way to "kill" himself. He said he would stick his head in the freezer.

As far fetched as that sounded, they still had to take it as a real threat so they called 911 and in turn, my Dad spent Thanksgiving in the mental ward at St. Luke's. He would be coming home for Christmas though, which was only now about a week and a half away. It would be good to have Brian and Leigh there to help with Dad. I loathed even being in the same room with him.

I was surprised that Leigh said yes to spending the holidays with us. Usually the special holidays were reserved for her family. We got the generic holidays. Like Columbus Day weekend or maybe a few days in the summer. Nothing big that my father could ruin. Brian must have been terribly worried about Howie to get Leigh to come and spend such an important day with us.

Whatever the reason, I was glad he was coming. I needed him and missed him. This year had been rough on me too. I was lonely, all the time. Lonely and feeling like the third wheel constantly. Even in my own home.

Howie didn't mean to make me feel that way, but I think, he took a lot of his frustration out on me. Not with words, or physically with actions, but with silence. An uncomfortable silence. A silence that spoke volumes to me. It said, why are you here? Go away. So I lived in loneliness.

Loneliness at home, at school, at work, everywhere. It haunted me at night when I needed a hug more than anything else in the world, when I missed Kelly and now when I missed Ricky. Maybe Howie was mad because I missed his girlfriend. Maybe he felt like I wasn't entitled to miss her. Not sure. All I knew was how lonely I was and how lonely he must have been too.

I looked down at my floor and picked up that Texas A & M brochure, looking at it one more time before removing it from my list of possibilities and tossing it in the garbage. "Bye Ricky" I said as it landed with a thud in the basket. "Bye" I said one last time before turning out the light to go to sleep.