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So I sat down with some of her old journals and I tried to figure some things out...

The Decline of the Rock

It was after dark before I got home from the park and when I walked in the door I was met with questions, "Where the hell where you?" AJ asked me from the couch he was occupying. He sounded mad but he looked unaffected by my late arrival. "Sarah has been worried about you" I moved next to him.

"Sorry about that. I was at the park. I had to do some things"

"How did your session go with Shelby?"

"Okay I guess..AJ can I ask you a question?"

"Uh huh"

"Why didn't you and Mel ever really get along?" He seemed a little surprised by my question. He turned the TV to mute which made me think of my dad and then turned to face me.

"We got along"

"You guys didn't really talk much"

"It happens"

"I know but I thought maybe you guys would be so close if for no other reason, because you were so close in age"

"We had nothing in common Nicky. It happens, but I loved her with all my heart and soul. I think she knew that too"

"I hope you are right" He looked a little annoyed as he put the volume back up to high and ignored me. I didn't mean to hurt him but I had questions too. I couldn't understand why someone as rock solid as my sister could so easily fall off the deep end. Without anyone noticing.

I mean I was so young when that whole Corner Deli incident happened but even then I began to notice that she had this sad way about her. I just wouldn't allow myself to go there.

Until now..

That night and into the next day all those questions plagued my mind and prevented me from sleeping. She had so much to live for. She had so much to give the world, how was it taken all away? Why was it taken all way.

Melissa was smart. I mean one of the brightest kids in her class. She always made the honor roll every year and excelled in anything she put her mind too. Whether it be writing poems, or learning to draw or knit, or something she was incredibly good at, like singing, Mel would far outshine everyone else.

No one was ever able to tell how unhappy she was. Just like me. That thought sent shivers down my spine ending in a collection of goosebumps. I wondered if she felt the same way I did. Laughing with friends and family then going upstairs and willing them all away. After her death when I read a little bit of her journal, I got a sense that Melissa and I were very similar. We both were masters of hiding our feelings. Maybe too good at it.

I had the sudden urge to read some more about my sister's life. I had buried her last journal next to her in the ground but since then I had found others. Piles and piles of books my sister kept. Secrets that only she knew. She called her diary's her best friends and I can see why. Those pages knew more about her than I could. Than any of us could.

I ran to my closet and opened it. Tons of junk came flying out. Making a huge crash. I waited for a concerned "Are you okay?" But then I remembered that Howie was not here. He was in Texas. I'm sure that AJ and Sarah both heard the noise but they probably figured if I was stuck under a pile of rubble I would've called for help.

I tore through the junk that had fallen to the floor, telling myself the whole time that I really should throw out a lot of this stuff. But also knowing I never would. Then I finally found the box of journals. Of course they were lying right there in the bottom of the pile. I took a deep breath. Having second thoughts about prying into my sister's life. I'm not sure why I never went through them when I first found them. I only stacked them in a neat pile in a box. Never to look at them again.

I almost put them away but a small voice inside my head sang to me, a voice that sounded a lot like Mel's..saying it's time Nick. Read. So I picked a random book and started to read.

She didn't put years on these entries only dates, but just by what she was saying, I was kind of able to get a sense of the timeline. The first one I pulled was when she was about eleven years old. I could tell because most of the entries had to do with her wanting a pony. The first journal took her from eleven to thirteen. She didn't write an entry every day. I would say she would sometimes let about a month go by before catching us up. The first book was innocent and happy. Nothing wrong there. It was the next one. That was the one that the sad Mel made her first appearance,

June 8

I find it so hard to even wake up these days, I mean what is there to wake up to? Nothing. I have been dieting as best I can. I think I may have lost a few pounds but no one noticed. They never do. I am meeting Rich again at the Deli. I really like him. He is the first guy that I have ever had a crush on that actually liked me back. He says I'm beautiful. Melissa Bettermen. That is what my name will be when we get married. I know I know I'm only 15 but a girl can dream right?

February 17

I hate my life. I really do. I mean, I want to die so bad but the scary thing is, if I killed myself, I don't think anyone would even come to my funeral...

I had to stop reading for a second. I threw the book across the room as if it was on fire. How could she think something like that? After a few minutes, I forced myself to go get the book and continue.

I mean one of the reasons you kill yourself is for attention right? Well, what happens when no one cares? That's why I would never do it. I have too much to live for. I mean okay stupid Rich didn't work out, he was a dink that probably has every venereal disease in the book. But I have so many great friends, yeah, they only call when they need something but still, I know they are there right? And my brothers. Especially Howie and Nicky.

I smiled when I read my name.

They both really need me. So I guess I'm here to stay...

The rest of that journal went to extremes, from her being upbeat to utterly desolate. The last one I picked up was the worst.

March 12

I have been doing that thing I said I would do, you know right five reasons to get up and start my day, but it's getting harder and harder to come up with five. I may go to two. Shelby told me it's best to do five but I'm sure she would let me go to two. Hell as long as I don't overdose, she would be happy with one I bet.

Shelby? Was it my Shelby? Melissa was in therapy too?

March 14

I bought a bottle of sleeping pills today, just your generic brand from the CVS. I was hoping that someone would notice them sitting on my dresser but no one did. I'm not sure if I'm going to take them or not. Gotta go Nicky just walked in...

Did I save her life?

March 17

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I am in a good mood surprisingly. Not sure why, maybe because Dad is out at the bar. Good riddance. Maybe he will get totally drunk and never find his way home. I hate that man. No, I'm not going to let him get me down today, because I was asked to the prom. Yup me the big fat hog, asked to go to the prom by one of the football players. imagine that! All the girls were so jealous I loved it. I can't wait to pick out a dress. I wonder how the heck I'll pay for it. I bet Howie will help me. Howie or Kevin...

May 9

I am so.. I can't do this right now

May 10

I want to die! Please let me die. I can't stand being in this house anymore with this horrible man always yelling all the time. He yells so loud that I hide under my desk and cover my ears. I can't live like this anymore...

May 28

I got into college. I am getting the hell away from this place. Boston BABY!! Just like Kevin. Thank God. I am counting the days.

September 12

College just wasn't in the cards I guess. I mean it's okay. I knew they wouldn't have the money to pay for it. I am never going to get out of here.< /i>

Her last entry of this journal said so little but meant so much

September 26

My purpose in life is to be miserable, finally something I'm good at. I bought another bottle of pills today, I already took two. Maybe I'll take more..maybe...

I looked up from the journal to realize that the night had come and gone. I had spent the entire night reading. Totally unaware that I did so. I hugged it to my body, hoping that wherever Mel was, she would feel the love I had for her at that moment.

The following week in Shelby's office, I decided to confront her about my sister.

"You didn't tell me that you knew my sister" Shelby looked up from her notes.

"I can't talk about my clients Nick. You know that"

"I know..but still. you acted like you had no idea what was wrong with her"

"So, does that mean your ready to talk about her then?" I hated when she did that. Turned things around to her favor.

"Maybe. I found some of her old journals. She was a mess" I laughed, pretending not to care, but I wasn't fooling anyone.

"Why do you say that?" She asked now looking at me and smiling.

"Well, she always wanted to kill herself"

"How does that make you feel?"

"I'm mad as hell. I mean we all have problems don't we?"

"Yes we do"

"So what made hers so bad that she had to kill herself?"

"I don't know Nick. Do YOU ever feel like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like you want to kill yourself?" I sat back and thought about it. Had I?

"I'm not sure. I mean I have had my moments when I've wanted to end it all"

"And what did you do instead?"

"I would play my video games or go bug Howie or something. I never once thought to take pills to kill myself"

"Well that is a good thing Nick"

"Yeah I guess"

"It is"

"Maybe it's time for you to write a story about Mel kiddo. You know like how you did for your father?"

"Maybe"

"It will make you feel better I bet"

"I just don't get it. She was a rock"

"Even rocks fall sometimes Nick" I nodded.

I left my session angry at Melissa but yet trying my hardest to understand her. I wanted to understand. Maybe I would write a story about her. To help me deal with it. I needed to play some video games and take my mind off things. Maybe I would call Howie later. That might help. Or maybe even Brian, so I could hear my Godson laugh.

See what you're missing sis? I said to the sky as I got into my car and drove home..