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Even though there was so much to celebrate, I found myself still feeling unresolved. Unresolved and unhappy...

The Reality of It All

By the time I finally got in touch with my family members, the excitement of getting into college had worn off. They were all very happy for me, I could swear that Howie even cried. I got into college. How weird was that? I'm not sure when it sunk in. When I got to school the next day, I told all my friends and they cheered. All extremely happy for me. Brent was bummed that we wouldn't be partying together. My English teacher gave me a huge hug, which took me by surprise. She said she knew I was going to get in. She said she wouldn't be surprised if I got into all the schools I applied to.

Which I did.

Turns out that by the end of the week, I got back letters of acceptance from every single college. Each one offering me at least a partial scholarship. I thought I was dreaming. It was everything I ever hoped for.

But yet, something was missing..

I still felt an emptiness, I thought it would go away but it didn't. When Howie came home from Texas we went out to celebrate and behind my smile I fought back tears. Why? I wasn't totally sure.

"Maybe your sister has something to do with that?" Shelby suggested.

"Maybe...why is it that you always bring her into everything?" It made me mad the way she used my sister as an excuse for everything.

"I don't Nick. I just think that YOU carry her with you all the time"

"Of course I do, she is my sister. I love her very much"

"I know you do and there is no doubt in my mind that she would have been so proud of you"

"How would you know that?"

"Don't you think she would have been proud?" I closed my eyes and thought about it for a minute.

"Yes she would have been proud"

"Have you gone and told her yet?" I laughed. Sometimes I thought my therapist was crazier than I was.

"No, I have not" She was not laughing though.

"Maybe you should"

I took those words and let them play around my brain. Maybe I would go tell Melissa. I mean she probably would have been happier then anybody else. Like a triumph for her as well as me. So, I went to the graveyard. I made sure I went and bought her some yellow roses first. Her favorites.

I got to her grave and the usual sadness when I got this close to death, overtook me. Her tombstone still looked so new. I guess it was. I placed the roses down and knelt right beside her.

"Hey Melissa" I actually paused, waiting for a reply.

"Guess, what?" Another pause...I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment. I made sure to look around me to make sure no one saw me carrying on a one sided conversation with a tombstone. When I saw that I was indeed alone, I breathed a sigh of relief.

"I got into college Mel. Not just one of the colleges I applied to but all of them!" Again I waited for a reply. That's when I realized WHY I was so sad. Because I would never get a reply. She was the one person who understood how hard this journey would be for me. The one person who always had more faith in me then anyone else. The one person who I needed to care about this. Suddenly a wave of anger arose in me.

"You stupid bitch!" I said as cold and harsh as I could, and taking the roses I brought to her grave off of the base of her tombstone, I walked away, throwing them in the garbage. Tears pooling in my eyes.

When I reached home I didn't say much to anybody. Just smiled and made my way upstairs. My room was my sanctuary. I sat at my desk, sighing heavily as I wrote in my journal.

I will never be happy...

"Can I come in?" Howie asked in a soft voice. I moved my journal to the floor, "Yeah, come on in"

He walked in, closing the door behind him and sat on my desk to face me.

"Hey"

"Hey"

"Something wrong?" Damn how did he do that? He knew. He always knew.

"Nah"

"Nicky..." I don't know why I even bothered lying to Howie. It never worked.

"It's okay, just something stupid"

"If it's bothering you it's not stupid Nicky. Didn't you tell me that you would talk to one of us if you were feeling down?"

"Howie, don't do that" I said suddenly as cold as I was to Mel at the graveyard.

"Do what?" He asked sounding a bit surprised.

"Talk down to me like I'm some kind of child. Don't worry, it's not like I am going to slit my wrist or anything. I'm not that weak!"

"Nick, I didn't say that. Don't even talk like that"

"Why? It seems to be the way we Carters solve our problems right? Well, don't worry. I am not like that"

"Where is this coming from?" He asked now standing up and looking concerned.

"Don't worry about it, can you just leave me alone please?" I was so steamed, I was disappointing myself.

"God Nick. Talk to me please"

"Howie. I am done talking okay?"

"You should be so happy, why are you acting like this? I mean the world is at your feet" Now he was getting pissed.

"Oh, I got into college which means I am not allowed to be in a bad mood now?"

"You can be in a bad mood, but don't you dare take it out on me!"

"I wouldn't be if you weren't in my room!"

"Fine!" He said and walking out, he slammed the door with such force that a few books fell from my book case. I picked one of them up and flung it at the door.

I was so angry, so upset and I had nowhere to place it all. I wanted to rip my hair out. Scream at the top of my lungs, but instead I only sat. Put some loud rock music on and sat with my thoughts.

I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes, I was overcome by the darkness of my room. I turned to look at the clock. It read 9:54. My stomach grumbled so I forced myself to get up and reluctantly made my way downstairs to get something to eat. Knowing a lecture was waiting for me when I got there.

Howie, Sarah and AJ were all sitting in the living room watching a video and laughing, barely even noticing that I had come down the stairs. I don't know why but it made me even madder then I already was.

I walked over to the kitchen hoping to find leftovers but there was nothing there, so I made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and poured myself a tall glass of milk and went to sit with my family in the living room.

No one said anything to me.

"What are you watching?"

"Spinal Tap" AJ said in mid laugh.

"Oh, cool. I love that movie" None of them said anything. I shrugged and just ate my sandwich.

I was in a fighting mood. "How come no one woke me up for dinner?"

"You made it clear you didn't want to be interrupted. So we left you alone" Howie said, kind of flat.

"Oh"

"Yeah we all went out to dinner. Chinese"

"Nice..thanks for bringing me back something"

"Nick, if you are going to be pissy, go back upstairs" I looked over at Howie and he had a very stern and serious look when he said it. He looked identical to Kevin. It was odd.

"Fine I will" I said walking away.

"Awe sweetie, I will cook you something" Sarah said feeling a little guilty for being trapped in the middle of a pointless argument, and that was what was going on with Howie and I. We were fighting for NO reason. None at all.

"Let him go Sarah. He is an adult. An adult can do things for himself"

"Go to hell Howie" I said as I made my way back up to my room.

I knew it would only be a matter of time before one of them came knocking. I hoped it would be Sarah but I got AJ instead.

"You want to tell me what the hell is going on with the two of you?"

"I don't know why don't you ask him?"

"He doesn't seem to know either"

"Well, then he must be a jackass!" AJ laughed.

"Yeah, that must be it. He said you were pissy to him"

"He deserved it"

"Why?"

"Because he was treating me like a child"

"Nick, you want my advice?"

"Not necessarily"

"Well, tough shit, I'm giving it to you anyway. If you don't want to be treated like a child, then stop acting like one"

That made me mad, but everything was making me mad.

"GO to hell"

"Oh okay, no problem" He said getting up and leaving.

"I went to see Melissa today" I said just as he was ready to walk out the door. He dropped his head down and came back inside.

"You did?"

I nodded.

"Oh..."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I looked up at him with anger in my eyes, ready to start another pointless argument, but he returned my stare with nothing but love and understanding.

"Why did you go there?"

"Shelby thought it was a good idea..you know..if I told Mel about college"

"Didn't go well?"

"I hate her" I said making sure to look away from my brother as I said it, just incase the tears I felt coming on decided to make an appearance.

"No you don't Nick"

"Yes AJ, I do. I hate her, the selfish bitch!" He tried to put an arm around me but I pushed him away. I could tell he was wishing he was back in California about now.

"I need her AJ, and she isn't here. I need her to be happy for me"

"I bet she is kiddo"

"I don't care anymore, she is dead right? Screw her"

"That's enough Nick! Stop talking about her like that" Both AJ and I looked up to find Howie standing there in my doorway.

"Why Howie? It's the truth"

"You always have to take out your anger on somebody don't you? Now it's Melissa's turn? I won't stand for it"

"Calm down guys, jeez. I thought I was supposed to be the unstable one" AJ said, happy when both Howie and I laughed.

"Howie, Nicky went to go see Mel today" I once again refused to make eye contact with either of them.

"Oh.." Another oh.

"He seems to be under the impression that he hates her"

"You don't hate her Nick"

"I do"

"If you hate her, then why did you go see her?"

"Because.."

"Because why?"

"God..will you guys please leave me alone?"

"No. I will not leave you alone. Melissa always used to say that to me and you know what I did Nick? I would leave her alone!" AJ and I both just stared as he continued.

"So, no. If I see that you are troubled about something, knowing that you like to keep it all inside to the point of ALMOST dying on us, I will not let it go! I will pull it out of you because I am done going to funerals. Do you understand me? I'm done!"

We sat there in a stunned silence, Maybe I wasn't the only one mad at my sister.

"D, I'm really sorry for being an ass" I whispered.

"That's okay. But please tell me what's wrong"

"I don't really know. I am just so angry. This should mean so much to me Howie, but it doesn't. I was on cloud nine for a day or two but it just didn't mean as much to me as I thought it would"

"It should.." AJ interrupted. "God, kid, you are like some closet brainiac or something. You should be so proud of yourself"

"That's the problem, he's not" Howie said bowing his head down in understanding. He understood but I didn't.

"Nick, we are so proud of you. We really are. All of us are. Even Dad"

"No he's not. He couldn't care less Howie" BINGO!

Suddenly I saw it all, plain as day. I needed my Dad to care. But he didn't.

"Melissa should have been here for this"

"I know..I'm sorry she's not"

"And Mom"

"I know kiddo"

"We're here though, and we will always be"

"How did that make you feel?" Shelby had asked me the very next day. I felt like I needed to see her so I scheduled another appointment.

"Good, but still empty"

"Healing takes time Nick"

"How much time?"

"I wish there was a definite timeline, but there isn't"

"Well, that sucks" She smiled at me.

"Nick, do you think you are ready to say goodbye to Melissa?" I looked up at her and made a face.

"Seems like Melissa already decided it was time to say goodbye"

"Right, she did...but did you?"

"I don't want to say goodbye" I admitted.

"Why?"

"Because then she will disappear"

"Not if you keep her in your heart. Just stop carrying her on your back" I nodded. Shelby was right. I was carrying Mel on my back. So was Howie. I needed to do something about that.

Thoughts about what I wrote in my journal came back in a swirl to haunt me, I will never be happy. Didn't Melissa almost say those same exact words? I didn't want to end up like Melissa.

"How do I do that?"

"That Nickolas, is up to you" I nodded once again.

How do you say goodbye to someone who meant so much to you? The only thing I could think of, while visiting her grave later that day with a new bouquet of yellow roses, were words.

I need to write about you Mel. That's how I can say goodbye...