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Until I finally said goodbye...

Pretty In Pink

How do you say goodbye? Those words kept ringing through my mind like a whisper in the wind. It should have been easy for me, hell she has been dead for nearly two years. But yet, everytime I even thought about making her a memory, I would panic.

As long as I kept her here and now, she would always be alive. The trouble with that little theory was, here and now she was absent. I had decided to wander around her room. We had long since cleaned it out, but we had also decided to leave some of her things in the closet as a reminder. Mel's room was now a storage closet, but when she had died, I had used it as a tomb. I would tomb myself up in that room, with her clothes, her smell and all the memories I carried in my head.

I opened the closet and there staring me in the face was her pink sweater. God, she wore that stupid sweater all the time. Even when it was hot enough to fry an egg on the ground, she would wear that thing. It was her security blanket in a way. Somewhere she would always go to hide.

I had told Howie that she should be buried in that thing but he had selfishly said, "No, let's leave it here for us" I was glad he did.

I picked it up and held it to my nose, It had only the faintest scent of perfume on it, but that only meant that she was still there on the sweater. I had seen AJ wearing it around the house a few weeks ago and I remember thinking how odd that was. But not really, maybe it was his way of hugging her.

Mel's death effected us all. Once I started to see that, it became easier for me to deal with.

I walked out of her room and wandered to the attic. That was where all of Melissa's belongings really ended up. She probably would have liked to see them go to the Goodwill but that would also mean giving her away.

I pulled out some boxes full of her clothes, most pink and lacey. She was always a girlie girl like that. For each item of clothing, I could envision why she wore it and how much it had meant to her. Her clothes were so important to her.

"What are you doing up here?" Howie asked making me jump.

"I'm just going through some of Mel's old stuff" He came and sat down next to me on the floor.

"Thinking of becoming a cross dresser?" I laughed.

"Yeah, do you think I'd look pretty in pink?"

"Not as pretty as she was" He said. We both sat and stared in silence.

"Hey, did you decide which college you are going to?"

Good question Howie. No I hadn't. It was nice having my pick of schools. The problem was I wasn't sure which one I wanted to attend more and the real reasons I wanted to attend them in the first place.

"Nope"

"You should make that choice soon, don't you think?"

"Yup" He laughed.

"Not a clue? Not like even an inkling?"

"No idea Howie. Sorry"

"Well, I think you should go to Penn State. This way you can stay here at home...with me" I smiled at him.

"You're gonna miss me aren't you?" I asked him putting on a pouty face, knowing if Brent and Mark ever caught me acting so gay, they would beat me senseless.

"Nope" He said as he got up and headed for the stairs.

I was really leaning towards going to Atlanta, but it wasn't because of the school. To be honest it was probably the easiest one to get into. I wanted to go there to be close to Brian. I missed him. But then again, did I want to attend a school near any of my siblings? I mean they would always be looking over my shoulder. Treating me like a child.

Maybe Boston or Washington, DC was the way to go. It was such a hard decision. I kind of wished I didn't have to make it at all.

"Nicky, I think you should fly away from this place" I looked over to one of our old suitcases to see Mel sitting there on top of it, wearing the same silly ass pink sweater I had in my hand.

"Why?"

"Because, then you would be on your own and start fresh"

"What if I don't want to be on my own?" She smiled at me.

"You can't stay that little boy forever you know"

"I guess not, but at least I have that choice, I didn't kill myself before I got to make it"

"You're mad at me, I know"

"I'm mad as hell at you"

"Why?"

"Because I deserved better from you! You should have stayed for me"

"You know, maybe you should just not go to school at all. Maybe you should just sit up here all day long talking to my old pink sweater and feeling sorry for yourself. Seems like that is something you are good at"

"What do you want me to do?" I asked the image of my sister, sitting on the suitcase fighting with me. I knew she wasn't really there. I wasn't crazy. But yet, I still found myself arguing with her all the same.

"I want you to move on with your life Nicky. That's what I want"

"It's not that easy"

"It never is Nicky, all your life you have been doing things for other people, to make them happy. Now it's your turn baby"

"But what if I make the wrong decision?"

"Then you fix it and make the right one"

"But..."

"Do what YOU want for once. Not what everyone else wants. Follow your heart and go...And when you do leave me behind"

"But, what if I forget you?"

"You won't"

"How do you know that?"

"I know everything remember?" I laughed.

She stood up and twirled around, "Hey, Nicky..do you really think I look pretty in pink?"

"Melissa, you looked beautiful" She stopped twirling long enough to blow a kiss at me. I caught it and placed it on my cheek, just like I did when I was a child.

"This is goodbye then" She said now smiling in the loving way I remembered her being.

I could hardly get the words out, they were so hard for me to say. I remember having just as much trouble with them standing over her coffin the night of the wake. It didn't seem real then. It seemed very real now.

"Yeah...I guess this is goodbye" I said taking one last whiff of her sweater and placing it on the suitcase that she had just vanished from.

Before leaving the attic I took one last look and smiled. She was right. I needed to do this for me.

"Goodbye" I said shutting off the light...