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You know... My grandmother, a woman I have never even met used to say that nothing hurt more then when the Seasons changed. She was talking more physically of course, like her athritis acting up or the pains she would feel in her legs. But now as I am just about to enter into a new phase of my life, I see that maybe she meant so much more...

Between A Father And His Son

I must have changed my mind a dozen times, through the months leading up to graduation. One minute I wanted freedom, far away. Particularly when Howie or AJ were being intrusive. Hell, if I had applied to a college in Africa, I would have gone there. Then there were other times, times when I stayed up late at night talking to AJ, Sarah and Howie playing cards, laughing and enjoying my life here and now, that I thought about staying home. Phone calls to Brian, where he would put me on the phone with my Godson who would gurgle and drool words only a parent could understand, made me long to be closer to them everyday. I never had a desire to be closer to Kevin though. He nags too much.

In the end, I chose what Mel had so insistently wanted me to choose. I chose to fly away. Deciding that Boston was where I belonged. Some people I knew would be going up that way, Kelly being one of them, so I sent in my dorm registration and there it was. The biggest choice of my life made.

When I told my family, there were mixed feelings. They all pretended to be happy, I know Howie was disappointed. But it was the best choice for me. I needed to make it on my own.

All the college picking made me forget about prom night. I never asked anyone, and Kelly in particular was upset. We were no longer dating but there was still an attraction there. She chose to go with the captain of the football team. How stereotypical. So, on prom night I sat at home looking at a list of all the classes I could possibly take next year. There were so many to choose from.

"Maybe I'll take a drawing class" Sarah looked up from the blanket she was attempting to knit.

"Drawing?"

"Yeah, I mean they offer it to freshmen as an intro class. Why not?"

"Go for it studly"

"Studly?" AJ laughed, "Yeah, now that you will be graduating in a couple of weeks, don't you think Boo is a little to childish?"

"So you go from that to studly?"

"Yup" I laughed.

"Nick, Have you told Dad yet?" Howie asked bringing a bag of laundry down to the basement. He had been cold to me ever since I had told him of my decision to go away. So I reacted the only way I could think to, equally as cold.

"No, I'm not even going to bother. He won't care"

"He deserves the right to know"

"That bastard doesn't deserve anything" AJ was quick to come back with.

"So, what are you going to do? Just up and leave without so much as a goodbye?"

Yeah actually I was.

"I don't know Howie. I'll get to it when I'm ready to"

"Fine, but in the meantime, maybe you should start doing your own laundry then" He said throwing my laundry bag at me. Which was totally uncalled for.

"God what the hell is your problem now?"

He didn't answer. Only continued downstairs.

"He will miss you, that's all" Sarah said giving me a wink.

"That's ridiculous, people leave everyday for college. Kids ALWAYS go away, why am I so different?"

I didn't wait for an answer, I didn't want an answer.

"I'm going out. I'll be back later. Don't wait up" I hopped in my car and decided to go for a drive. Maybe I would crash the prom, show up by myself. I laughed at even thinking that.

For some reason, unbeknownst to anyone especially me, I found myself once again in front of the place my father called home.

"What am I doing here?" I asked myself, just sitting there in the parking lot as odd people came out and waved at me. Once that happened I knew it was too late to turn around and head back home, so I got out and headed inside.

My father was sitting in a chair facing the television but looking beyond it watching a bird who had perched itself on the feeder right outside the window. He looked like he was in a hypnotic trance. Like all that existed was the bird and him. Nothing in between mattered. Maybe that was how he felt about the static on the TV too. I slowly walked over to him and squatted next to him.

"Hi dad" I said as he continued to gaze out the window.

"Hi"

"What are you doing?"

"Isn't the Robin Redbreast the most beautiful bird you have ever seen? Your Mother and I would sit in the park and throw bread out to all the gross pigeons until we would find something beautiful like a Blue Jay or a Robin to come and eat" He smiled, maybe he saw my Mom, like I had seen Melissa. "After one of those birds would show up, we would know it was time to get home"

"That's really nice Dad. That sounds like a great memory" He turned towards me and as he did his mood changed. It was almost like someone clicked to a different channel.

"Yeah, I guess, so what the hell are you doing here?"

"I just came to say hello"

"Really? Well, Hello then" All the crazy people around him laughed. My father was the Jerry Seinfeld of crazy I guess.

"I have some news" Why was I doing this to myself again? Didn't I learn the last time I tried this?

"Really? What kind of news?" He actually sounded interested. It through me off. "Well, Jackass? I don't have all day" That brought me back.

"I decided what college I am going to"

"Good for you" He said, no longer sounding like this was a conversation worth having.

"Yeah, I'm going to Boston"

"Boston?" He looked over at me again. I nodded. "Does Howie know you are going that far away?"

I nodded once again, "Of course he does Dad and it's not THAT far away"

"Kevin went to Boston didn't he?"

"Yeah Dad he did. HE went to Berklee"

"You going there too?"

"No Dad that's a music college. I am going to Boston University"

"Oh, for what?"

"Probably writing but I'm not really sure"

"That's nice son" He said looking back towards the window. I looked down to the floor and nodded to myself. Yup bad idea.

"You know, your Mom would have been so proud of you" It took me by surprise, those nice words that traveled out of my dad's mouth.

"Yeah?"

"Yes" I smiled. Trying not to look as excited as I felt.

"I have been an awful father to you Nick. I really have and I'm sorry" Just like my father looking out the window staring at that bird, after he said that to me everything else just disappeared. And all that mattered, all that existed was a father and his son.

"It's okay dad, I know you tried your hardest.."

"I didn't try hard enough. You deserved better from me" He looked at me with tears brimming in his eyes. I tried to find the logic in what he was saying. I tried to find a loop hole. But none were there.

"You have come such a long way despite all the hell I put you through. I just wanted to say I love you and I'm proud of you son. I really am"

It was a moment that I wished could have lasted forever. Long after my father's death, I remembered that moment, just as if it were yesterday. The day my father finally told me he loved me and validated all the feelings I so desperately needed.

"I love you too dad" And for once, I actually felt all the warm feelings you should have when speaking those words.

We sat in silence, both of us staring out the window at the Robin pecking away at his birdseed. "Howie is mad at me for choosing Boston I think" I said in a whisper. Hoping my father's interest wasn't just an incredible daydream.

"He's not mad. He'll just miss you. I have been a crappy father to him too" I laughed.

"Go talk to him, let him know that you'll be back" He said giving me a wink.

It's hard to believe myself actually but I didn't want to leave. I knew that come the next day or maybe even the next hour, my dad would go back to his old abusive self, but while he was docile like this, I wanted to soak it all up. I did leave though, because I needed to talk to Howie.

I walked in into a dark and quiet house. Sarah and AJ were already upstairs in bed. Howie was asleep in the recliner. Ironically enough, the television was playing static but I knew it was only because the station probably went off the air long after Howie fell asleep. Waiting up for me I guessed.

I walked over and shut the TV off. That woke him up, he sat and stretched, "Hi" He said threw a yawn.

"Hi, sorry I didn't mean to wake you"

"Oh that's okay, you didn't wake me, I was up watching TV" I laughed. Howie was the worst liar in America.

"So, now you are into watching static too?" I gave him one of Kevin's eyebrow lifts.

"Okay, you caught me. Sorry" He said rolling his eyes.

"That's okay, so were you waiting up for me?"

"No, I was just..oh okay I was, I was worried you know most drunk driving accidents happen on prom night"

"Howie, I didn't even go to the prom"

"Doesn't matter, everyone around you did"

"Howie...Stop"

"Where were you anyway? Not that it's any of my business..."

"You're right. It's not...but if you must know, I went to see dad"

"You did?"

"Yeah"

"This whole time?"

"No, after I left him, I sat on the hill overlooking the drive in and watched a movie"

"Nice, sounds like fun"

"It was. No popcorn though"

"Why did you go see dad?"

"I guess because you told me I should" He looked over at me smiled.

"I'm sorry for being short with you today Nicky"

"That's okay. I'm sorry to"

"What did dad say?"

"He said he loved me and that he was proud"

"He did?" Now it was my turn to smile. I nodded.

"He also said he did a crappy job of raising me" Howie looked really amazed.

"Wow!"

"Yeah, but I really think the only reason I made it this far is because of you Howie. So thanks and I love you" I said placing my head on his shoulder.

"I love you too Nicky" He said placing his arm around me.