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Even the holidays, supposedly the happiest time of year, brought nothing but sadness...

Silver Bells and Christmas Cheer

For as long as I can remember, the holidays were always rough for us. All of us. We would get moody and distant from each other. Thanksgiving wasn't really that bad, either was Easter. But Christmas? Oh boy, that was another story entirely. When Christmas would roll around, you could tell by the mounting tension in the house. When Mom was alive, it wasn't totally uncommon for her to just stay in bed all day crying. Whether it was about not having enough money for presents, or that it was because our tree was crooked or maybe because we only got three Christmas cards, she would be beside herself.

Dad, would just go around cussing at anything that moved. When I was a small child maybe about 4 or 5, we had this hanging Santa ornament on our front door that would say "Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas" Whenever anybody opened or closed it. Dad would get so upset because whenever the door opened, Santa would do his thing. He would say "Shut the Fuck up!" And slam the door over an over again. That was our nightly entertainment. The funniest part about it was, even though I was so young at the time, I went up to him one day, or so my family tells me, and I said "Daddy, why do you not just take the thing off the door?" I guess everyone laughed and my father took the stupid ornement and flung it into the street. So ended the tale of the annoying Santa. But unfortunately not the annoying father.

Dad made every holiday a memorable one. I used to get so upset I would actually make myself sick. Physically sick. My siblings eventually wisened up and stopped coming home for Christmas. The worst one I could think of was when it was just Mom, Dad and I. Mel had gone away skiing with some friends and I don't remember where Howie was. The entire day, I spent in my room just looking at the clock hoping it would end soon. Dad sat downstairs and watched TV while Mom cried in their room. There was no Santa that year, I think that's how I found out he didn't exist. There was also no Christmas dinner either. I ate potato chips that year. It was awful. I'll never forget it. Ever.

Mom was dead less than a year later. Much to no one's surprise.

So, Christmas to me always meant anxiety and sadness. Not a good combination considering all that poor Howie and I had been through this year. This would be the first Christmas that we would have here on High street after my sister's death. The first one, we all went to Kevin's house. I think that was actually one of the better ones we have had. It's funny how a tragedy can bring you close together. We were shocked at the invite, even Dad was invited, he didn't go though. Maybe that's why it was so good.

Season's change though, and our closeness diminshed, much to no one's surprise. It was okay though, it was good while it lasted.

So now that Christmas was only about four days away, I was beginning to dread it with every passing second. Brian would be coming tomorrow, and I couldn't wait. I had wanted to get him something special for the holiday. So, I went and bought him a great frame and in it, I placed a picture of me and him playing basketball. He was holding me up in the air so I could get the ball in the hoop. It's one of my favorite pictures of all time. Then I also bought us court side seats to a Sixers game, I made sure they would be here while he was in town. It cost me a bundle but the expression on his face would be priceless.

I bought Leighanne a porcelain duck.

If I could get Howie anything he wanted it would be Ricky, but since that wouldn't happen, I opted to buy him that TV/ VCR he has been always wanting. I know I was spending a lot, but I was working. It was worth it. That's how I compensate for Christmas woes, I spend my money. Buy things in exchange for love. Whatever works I guess. Dad, I have no clue what to get him. Maybe a muzzle. Or better yet maybe another talking Santa Ornament.

Howie has been very quiet leading up to this holiday. He has been working brutal hours and mentioned in passing that he was thinking of working on Christmas. I hope he has changed his mind. I guess we'll wait and see. I decided to stop being reflective and run to the bathroom, since those holiday memories sent my stomach into high gear. I was hoping that when Brian got here he would make everything right, for all of us.

I forgot Leighanne was coming...