In The End That's All That Really Matters
Before I left for the arena, my family gathered around me. It was an odd sight actually. The way they all stood in a circle around me, I thought I was in trouble or something. But the only feel I got from them, all of them. Even Dad..was love.
"Nicky, I can't believe you are graduating today. God we are getting old"
"Speak for yourself Kevin...We are proud of you studly. I mean that from the bottom of my heart" AJ pulled me towards him and gave me a huge hug.
"Thanks J"
Kevin walked up to me and fixed my robe which was hanging a little off center. He pulled it up and straightened it at my shoulders. Then pat me on the head and looked me in the eyes, "You ready for this day?"
"I think so" He smiled and raised his eyebrows at me. "I'm proud of you and I love you" He said before backing out and letting Brian in.
"Um...Nick" He said pointing his hands at me like they were guns. I laughed. He was trying so hard not to call me Boo. "What can I say to you? That I haven't said a million times? I am so utterly proud of you" He was breaking. "God I am such a wuss, I said I wouldn't cry..anyway, you have made this whole family very proud of you. But then again we have always been proud of you. Go out there and give them the speech of your life"
He hugged me and I instantly fought back the tears that he brought to my eyes. I looked over to Howie next, wiping a few stray tears that saw the light of day. He smiled and winked at me, "Hey kiddo. Happy graduation"
"Thanks D" It's funny because maybe to everyone else, it might have seemed meaningless. The words he said to me, but I knew him so well, in his heart I heard so much more.
That left my dad. He looked over to me and smiled. I smiled back and then was a little caught off guard when he grabbed me into a huge hug. "I love you son" He whispered to me.
"Love you too dad"
We took a family picture. Well, actually Kristin took it for us. We were all standing there embracing each other. Looking so happy, caring about each other so much. I said goodbye and headed for the arena. The last time as just a child.
I sat holding my speech tight against my chest. I was so nervous. It was too late to bail out although I actually did consider, in a moment of complete desperation, to bolt right out of the large arena. Yes, I did say arena. My graduating class was so big that they had to hold the commencement ceremony in the sports complex at Lehigh University.
Brent seeing my anxiety looked over and gave me a firm pat on the back, "You will do great Kaos" I nodded.
"And ladies and gentlemen please welcome one of our own graduating seniors...Nick Carter" I stood up, shakily and made my way over to the podium, getting a reassuring smile from Mrs. Christopher as I passed her by. I took a second and looked at the huge crowd. Feeling just for a second, like a pop star. I found myself wondering if this was what it was like for them to get up in front of so many people all the time. I took a deep breath and started..
"You know, My grandmother, a woman I have never even met used to say that nothing hurt more than when the Seasons changed. She was talking more physically of course, like her arthritis acting up or the pains she would feel in her legs. But now as I am just about to enter into a new phase of my life, I see that maybe she meant so much more. She was talking about life. How life changes like a whirlwind from month to month and year to year. We will never know what to expect. I mean look at me, I never expected to be here talking to all of you did I?"
I looked over at Kevin who was holding his camcorder pointed directly at me. A huge smile playing on his lips. He seemed to be beaming with pride. That gave me the courage to continue on.
"When I was asked to write this, I was at first hesitant, thinking, do I want these people to feel sorry for me? But than I realized, it wasn't for them I was writing this, it was for me. My life at times has felt like a roller coaster, exhilarating and terrifying, never knowing what to expect around every corner. So I would just go with the flow, hoping that in the end, everything would turn out just fine. It never did though. Only fairy tales have happy endings, and my life was far from a fairy tale"
I found myself looking down at my notes. I didn't feel like making eye contact with anyone at this point.
"I often spent many of my sleepless nights wondering if it was always going to be like this. I didn't see an end in sight. That among other things had me troubled"
It suddenly all felt so surreal to me. Here I was making a speech in front of hundreds of people. How did I get here? I'll tell you how I got here. They got me here. Those four guys, plus that one girl who helped raise me from birth to now. They saw me through all the good times and bad times. My brothers and sister.
"I would look to my five older siblings for comfort, hoping that they would be the ones to help me out, yet always scared that in the end they would slowly disintegrate. So I stopped depending on them and started to just keep it all inside. Until I couldn't anymore. When my bottled up feelings and emotions made me physically ill, it was a turning point in my life. It made me stop for a moment and reexamine where I have been and where I was going"
looked up from my notes amazed at the peoples faces. They seemed to actually be listening to me. Actually caring about what I was saying.
"I had a mystic revelation and everything suddenly made sense. I opened my eyes. And tried my best to open my heart. It was hard at first, so many memories came flooding back. Some good and some bad"
I closed my eyes, remembering all the pain, the emptiness I had felt so many nights. The struggles I had with myself and everyone else. I really had come a long way. It's funny I didn't realize it until I was there on that stage.
"But all part of growing up"
I looked out into the crowd and saw in the middle of all the people a small child, about three sitting on his dad's lap and sucking on his two middle fingers of his right hand. His dad was bouncing him. You could tell the kid was restless and just about on the verge of crying. I felt like that child. That kind of summed up who I was. But not who I was becoming.
"Life is funny how it throws us it's little curve balls. When I think about all the roads I could have traveled versus the one I actually found myself walking, I am amazed. Amazed and relieved"
That's when I saw my dad staring at me with the same look he had in his eyes when he stared at the static on the television. It was a look of wonderment. I used to read it as lost, but maybe I had misread it all along. Maybe the look was really one of expectation. Maybe in that static he pictured his accomplishments, maybe I was one of those for him. I would've liked to think that my Father pictured this day in his head ever since I was born. Maybe that was the case. Or maybe he was thinking about my Mother. How she should have been sitting right by his side watching the whole thing.
"And so, my fellow graduates...I only hope that your season of change has been as painful, spiritual, life altering and exciting as mine has. We have a long road to walk into adulthood..don't waste a minute of it thinking about what you should have done or could have done" Just like my father.
I didn't say that thought out loud, at least not then. Many years later when giving speeches had become second nature to me while doling out advice or getting honorary doctorates, I found myself talking more openly about my father and my theories about his unhappiness. Our families overall sadness, but at that moment, I kept those words as a silent thought as I exchanged a quick thoughtful glance with my father.
"Strive to become the best person you can be and never forget the people who helped get you there. Because in the end that's all that really matters. Thank you"
I stepped away from the podium to the sounds of silence followed by a roar of applause. People were standing up for me. My family was cheering. AJ making whistling sounds. I wasn't sure when I should walk away, so I waited for Mrs. Christopher to give me a cue which she finally did.
As I walked back down to my chair I took one final look at the crowd, how different things were going to be for me now. I was terrified but open for the challenge. That's what life was all about.
Author's note
I just wanted to thank all of you for sticking with this story. It had always been very personal to me and the response for this one and Mel's has really warmed my heart. Thank you to all of the people that offered me feedback. You have NO idea how many times I was ready to stop writing this thing thinking there was noone reading it. You helped keep it alive.
I also wanted to thank Mersey and Pam who both helped me decide to continue to write after I lost my confidence and ended up in a funk lol.
Mare
