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And sometimes even jealousy...

Big News

I woke up three hours early to get Brian from the airport. I was excited. Like little kid excited. I love my brother. I know it's wrong of me to play favorites, but hands down it was him. I don't know why exactly, but he just made me happy. Made me feel like I was worth being cared about. I missed him so much. I stood at the terminal just glancing at my watch and waiting patiently for his arrival. Finally I saw him walking with that confident stride of his as he held on to his wife's hand. The two of them bouncing and happily in love. When he saw me, he smiled. So I ran up to him and grabbed him in a hug.

He pulled me close to him and then pushed me away, "Is it possible that you have gotten taller? Gosh Leigh look at this kid, he is really grown up" He then tousled my hair and hugged me once again. I walked over to Leighanne and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Brian is right Nick, you are quite the stunningly handsome boy you know" I rolled my eyes at her and smiled. I grabbed their carry ons and we walked to the luggage claim.

"So is Dad home yet?" Brian asked me as we grabbed their three suitcases and headed back to my car.

"What are you kidding me? We are waiting until the last possible second before we get him, you know maybe like 3PM and take him back at 6" I laughed, "Hey sounds like a good idea to me" Brian said helping with the bags.

"No really, Howie is getting him tomorrow night so this way he can be home all day on Christmas Eve, woohoo" I said trying to sound as sarcastic as possible. Brian became serious at the mention of Howie, "How is D?" He asked, concern really showing in his eyes. "Not good, he doesn't talk about things much especially with me anymore. He hates me I think" I couldn't believe I so readily confessed my feelings to Brian. But that was how I felt.

"Aw Boo, he doesn't hate you, he is just sad. That's all"

"Well, he plans on working on Christmas. I'm hoping maybe you can convince him not to"

"I'll try" He said as he helped Leigh into my car. The ride home was spent playing catch up, they told me about what they had been up to this past year and I told them how school was going. Nothing big really to talk about, or so I thought.

"We have a huge Christmas present for you guys" Brian said just as we pulled into the driveway, "Actually it's a Christmas announcement" I shut off the car and looked at him suspiciously, "You do?" I asked slowly bringing another smile to his face.

"Yes, but this announcement will come before the holiday, in fact I will tell you first"

"Okay, tell me. What is it?" I asked as we headed inside. I placed the bags by the tree and sat on the couch anticipating the news.

"Before we do, is Howie home? I would like to tell him too"

"No, he's working but if you tell me now, I promise not to say anything" He looked at his wife and whispered something to her. She nodded and grabbed his hand.

"Okay, guess what kiddo?"

"What?"

"You're gonna be an uncle!" Brian said with a huge smile on his face. He was so happy. Brian was going to finally be a father. One of his biggest dreams ever, finally realized. Yet, I didn't feel happy. I felt jealous.

I smiled at him but I could already tell, he was disappointed in my reaction. "Wow, that's fantastic guys" I said jumping up and hugging them both, "Congratulations, so when is the big day?" I asked pulling away from them. Brian still looked a little upset and his voice lost that air of excitement as he continued. "The baby is due in April" I nodded.

I was doing the math in my head and realized that they had known for months now. Five months in fact, but yet not so much as a word was uttered about it. Why the big secret? I suddenly not only felt jealous but I also felt unimportant, even mad. Maybe they didn't want us to know. Maybe they were afraid that we would have corrupted the child. Isn't that what Kevin did? I suddenly felt the need to get out of there, if I didn't I was gonna explode. Explode or cry.

"Guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I forgot I have to go do something, I'll be back in a little while" And without another word or explanation, I left the house and got back into my car. Tears were running down my face as I backed out of the drive. Brian was looking out the window probably wondering what my problem was. I was wondering that myself.

The one thing I was sure of, was that suddenly I wasn't quite feeling so important anymore. I know it was a childish reaction, but it was how I felt. Brian was my security blanket, the one guy who would always be there, there had been so many more in my life but one by one they had disappeared. Mel, then Kelly, Ricky, Howie, now Brian. All gradually moving away from me. Brian would now have another kid in his life. He would probably call him Boo. I stopped the car and rested my head on the steering wheel. Angry about how jealous I was, angry about how young I felt.

I wasn't sure where I planned on going but my car naturally found itself migrating back to Mel's Tree. It almost became a second thought. I wiped me eyes once again and decided to listen to some music to lighten the mood. I chalked my mood up to the holidays. They were always emotional for me. I was happy for my brother, God why wouldn't I be? I was just being stupid. I took a deep breath and sang along with The Little Drummer Boy.

I still found myself crying though. Like a crazy 17 year old. What was wrong with me? Suddenly I heard a car horn beep at me, I hadn't even realized that I ran a red light. I came within inches of hitting a car but luckily I managed to veer off in time. Nothing damaged. I sat behind the wheel all shaky and crying now. When the flashing red lights pulled up behind me.

Great just great I thought to myself as once again I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"Hello officer" I said in a cracked scared voice. He looked in to my car, I'm sure looking for drugs or alcohol. "You need to pay attention to what you are doing son, you ran a red light and almost caused a huge accident back there" He said. I nodded.

"I know, I'm sorry sir" He asked for my license and registration and as he sat in his police car checking my information, I wanted to just drive away. Keep driving until I fell off the end of the earth.

Finally after what felt like a year and a day, he returned with ticket in hand, "Okay sorry son, but you need to drive carefully, the last thing we need is having to explain to your family why you weren't coming home for the holidays"

As he left I felt a tear sweep down my cheek once again, 'It's okay, they wouldn't much care anyway', I said as I drove towards the park.