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Why were other families so normal and why couldn't that be mine? That is all I have ever longed for...

The Giving Tree

It was a cold day, much colder than I had anticipated when I had at the last minute, decided to come out to My tree. I know this was hers but now she is dead, so I have claimed it as my own. I understand why she came out here all the time, it's addictive. It made me feel welcome, it made me feel like it wanted me here. I know that sounds crazy and maybe it is. But it gave me the feeling that I so desperately needed, the feeling of belonging. When I sat under this tree, I felt like I belonged there. Yeah, I do sound like a crazy person.

I placed my head against the cold trunk and closed my eyes. Smiling at the words I had just spoken. Thinking about how the small children being wheeled by their parents in their baby carriages must be looking at me and saying Is that guy talking to that tree? What's even sadder is that all I would have to do is scream It's okay I'm a Carter!!! And people would just accept it. Yeah my family was bonkers, and I was one of my family, so I guess that made me bonkers too.

I refused to go home until I came up with a reasonable excuse in my head, to be jealous of my soon to be niece or nephew. What was wrong with me? I sighed and shook my head in disgust with myself. There they were letting me know good news. The best that they could ever hope for and what do I do? I bail on them. No wonder they all hate me! Once again I said aloud.

I closed my eyes again this time picturing how the scenario should have really gone, Brian and some other wife for starters, would be telling us the news. Maybe Mom was baking Christmas cookies in the kitchen, it was a cold day so Dad was putting kindling in the fireplace. Mel and I would be placing our ornaments on the tree, the ones we made every year for our parents that they so graciously kept. Singing carols and having a great time, Waiting for the rest of the family to arrive.

Brian and his wife, let's call her Wanda, would then tell us about the baby and we would shout with glee, Mom would grab his face in her hands and kiss him while dad would give hug after hug to his wife. Mel and I would then come in and wrap our arms around them both wishing them the best of luck. What a Christmas would be had by everyone. Unwrapping present after present while Mom and Dad, whose arms were wrapped around each other just looked and snapped pictures. And there would be eggnog too. Happiness and eggnog seem to go well together. What a happy family we would be as we got ready for this Carter child. Of course Wanda would have just found out about it, and told us the minute she knew. Even before her own family.

I smiled at the thought and a shiver ran through my spine. Okay Nick, time to go before you get frost bite. I rubbed my hands together and did something strange. I hugged the tree. Didn't even look to see if anyone saw me or not. I needed a hug so I hugged her. Merry Christmas! I said to my wooden friend as I left the park and headed home.

Just as I thought would happen, I was met at the door by a very concerned Brian. He gave me a look that I could swear was contempt, I hugged him. "Where did you run off to?" He asked me and then before I could react to what he was doing, he grabbed my ticket out of my hands. He read it and his face filled with anger.

"Running a red light and driving recklessly?" He said holding the ticket in his hand. I looked down at the ground, "Yeah, I missed a light and then had to swerve to avoid a collision" Brian just sighed and placed the ticket in his pocket.

"Brian I kind of need that unless you want them to come arrest me"

"No, Nick I got this one, Merry Christmas"

"So for Christmas, you are paying my ticket?" I said confused. He nodded and then joined his wife in the kitchen.

I looked over at the place where a tree should be, we had stopped putting one up about four years ago. Mel decided it was too much trouble and since we didn't have any ornaments or anything why bother? I had argued that I wanted one, so she made me do it myself. Boy that was a lot of fun. Nothing like putting up a tree while your father calls you names and tells you what a screw up you are. I had went down to the basement to get all of the ornaments I had made for my parents over the years only to find that they had been thrown away, so I left the tree half way done and that is how it stayed for that Christmas, no tree ever since then.

Any presents we would receive which wasn't much at all, we would place on the coffee table. As usual, I had mine all wrapped and ready to go, but as of yet there was nothing on that table for me. Well, now at least I know what I got from Brian.

The humming coming from the kitchen brought me out of my pity party and I went to join them in there. Leighanne was humming a Christmas song while Brian had his arms around her belly kissing her neck. "They are normal" I thought, "how is that fair?" I sat down at the table, "So what are you guys doing?" I asked. They just kind of ignored me, whether it was my imagination or reality who knew, but when I never got an answer, I left the kitchen and travelled back up to my room.

At least my room looked like Christmas, I strung up some lights around my window and bought one of those small Christmas trees from CVS. You know the ones where the decorations were included? I sat looking at my tree and turned on some Christmas music, transporting myself back to that OTHER family. The one that sang holding hands, the one that knew how to be normal and happy.

The knocking on my door made me turn in that direction, "Hey Nick" Brian said through the door, never even bothering to open it, "Leigh and I are going Christmas shopping, can we take your car?"

"Yeah sure" I said

"Cool! Thanks man we'll be back in a little bit. If we're not home in time for dinner, eat without us"

"Okay" I said sounding sad.

I closed my eyes and placed my head on my bed, noticing that since he has been home, he hadn't called me Boo. I was Nick.

Merry Christmas! I said before forcing myself to fall asleep...