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Than I took a minute to notice that maybe my family WAS normal, maybe I was the odd one out. The one that didn't belong...

A Christmas To Remember

I woke up on Christmas morning with a headache and a nervous stomach. Those were the two signs I needed to tell me that Christmas was finally here. Knowing my Dad was coming home today, just sent my stomach into over drive, that and knowing that Howie would be here against his will was all I needed to dread this day even more than usual. The one good thing? Seeing Brian's face when he opened my gift and saw those tickets. I wanted to make sure I had a camera handy for the look on his face. It would be priceless.

I got out of bed and headed downstairs in my jammies. Dad was already home by the time I made it down. I heard him complaining from halfway down the steps. He was yelling at someone. I almost turned around and went back upstairs but I didn't. Just continued down.

Biggest mistake I may have ever made!

"Good morning and Merry Christmas everyone!" I said to my family, who were gathered around the table.

"Oh gee, look who's up, the retard! Merry Christmas to you too jackass!" I rolled my eyes at my father and noticed the look that Howie shot him.

"Morning Nick and Merry Christmas to you too" He seemed low for Howie but he was trying to force himself to be jolly. He was also failing miserably at it.

I looked over at Leighanne and Brian who were both oblivious to my entrance into the kitchen. He was hugging her and laughing with her as she cooked breakfast over the stove. They seemed to happy, almost too happy to be MY family.

The three of us sat in silence as we waited for Leighanne and Brian to get to the table, finally he turned and walked towards us, "Hey Nick! I didn't even hear you come in" He said taking a seat next to me.

"I know, I said Merry Christmas" I said it almost under my breath.

"Okay, well Merry Christmas to you too" He said grabbing a bagel from the center of the table. Leigh had her hands full with pancakes and bacon set upon a huge tray. The smell wafting and hanging in my nose. It all looked wonderful.

"Eat up everybody" Leigh said and we did, like the hungry men we were. I stuffed my plate with food, my stomach telling me to stop but I refused to listen. Brian and Howie were engaged in light conversation with each other and Leigh and Dad were talking. Talking not yelling or insulting. I just sat and ate off my plate, not saying anything to anyone. Just keeping to myself. I wanted to go away again, right then and there. I wanted to put on my coat and run to my park and sit under my tree. Jammies and all.

I sat and watched my father, who never in his life had a civil conversation with me, actually laughing with Leighanne. His voice low, his demeanor calm. Meanwhile, Brian and Howie were just getting along great. I realized this was the family I have fantasized about, only problem was, it was ME that didn't fit in.

After about an hour of stuffing our faces, Howie finally made a move towards the living room. Yay! present time. I stood up and happily ran ahead, making everyone laugh.

"Nicky, aren't you a little too old to be that excited about opening your presents?" Howie asked me as I sat with a thud right next to the Christmas coffee table.

"No, he's an imbecile, he acts like he is three years old, friggin asshole and where are my cigarettes?"

Brian handed dad his stupid cigarettes and all was right with the world at that moment.

I grabbed the present I bought for Howie and handed it to him and then gave Leigh hers and Brian his. "Open open!" I said in absolute glee. I saw Brian going for his first, so I stopped him, "No! Brian I want you to go last okay?" He laughed and nodded.

"Leigh you can go first" She nodded and then meticulously opened her gift. "Wow! It's..a duck! Great!" She held it up to Brian as if to say, this is the stupidest thing I have ever gotten. I couldn't care less.

Howie went next and really liked his TV/VCR. "Oh my gosh how did you afford this?" He asked me as he pulled me into a hug. Seeing his smile made all the extra hours at work worth it. "I worked" Is all I said. Howie then tried to hand me a present but I stopped him, "No, I want Brian to open his first" I said. I grabbed my camera and watched as he pulled it open. He picked up the frame with our photo in it and smiled at me "Aw thanks Nick! I love it"

I laughed, "There's more" I said, "Look behind the frame" He did and actually yelped when he saw the tickets attached to the back. I stood up and walked over to him giving him a high five, "Two tickets five rows back BABY!" He jumped up and hugged me. "Man!! You are the best!"

"When is that for?" Leigh asked.

"Tonight! It's a Christmas game. Isn't that great?" I said while Brian still looked at the tickets in his hand.

"Honey can I talk to you a second?" Leigh said to her husband. She pulled him away.

"Where's my present jackass?" Dad asked me when they left so abruptly.

"Dad, lay off of him" Howie defended, "No, it's okay D, Here dad" I said handing him an unwrapped carton of cigarettes. He didn't say thanks he only hugged them, in the same way I had hugged that tree. Howie then motioned for me to open my present from him. I ripped it open and saw it was the video game I really wanted. "Aw, thanks Howie" I said going and kissing him on the cheek.

"I didn't know I had a fag for a son" Dad laughed under his breath. I hated him. I wanted to shove those cigarettes down his throat, light them and watch his head explode. Luckily Brian came back before I could actually do it, not that I would have. I stood up and walked over to him, patting him on the back I said, "So, are you excited?" He looked at me but then quickly looked down at the ground.

"Actually" Leighanne interrupted, "We have some big news for all of you" I backed away again, wondering why suddenly Brian was acting so distant.

"Brian and I are going to have a baby" She said and before she could even finish, Howie was up and hugging both of them. So was dad. I smiled, but inside I wasn't happy, still jealous. Finally when the news had sunk in, I once again asked Brian, just in case he forgot I asked a few minutes ago, "So Brian, are you excited?"

"About the baby? Of course! We are really excited"

"No, not the baby, the tickets!" His facial expression changed, "Oh yeah about the tickets, Nick maybe you can have Howie go with you"

"What?" I moved away from him.

"I can't go Nick, I can't leave Leigh here alone with dad"

"She won't be alone, she will have Howie here" My voice was growing louder and the other friendly conversation stopped. Now they were all looking at us.

"Nick, come on, you gotta understand"

"No, I don't gotta understand anything, what I understand is I worked my ASS off for those tickets!" Brian rolled his eyes at me.

"We are having a baby" He said

"Oh yeah you haven't mentioned that in about I don't know like a second or two. I almost forgot!"

"Be reasonable" He pleaded but I couldn't be reasonable.

"Tell that to your wife!" I almost screeched out, "She's being totally unreasonable!"

"That's enough Nick!" Howie said now trying to calm me down.

Leighanne feeling uncomfortable now just walked into the kitchen. "You need to calm yourself down Nicky" Howie said in a very calm voice. It only made me madder.

"Calm down? No! This is bullshit! I will not calm down" They were a little shocked because it was so out of my character to act this way. Dad was loving it though, he was smirking and laughing.

"And you shut the hell up!" I said to my father. Walking up to him, I pulled the carton of cigarettes out of his hand and threw them to the floor, "I am tired of your crap old man so quit it!"

"Nick that's enough!" Brian yelled at me, "Oh now you tell me to stop, he has been making fun of me ever since I got down here and you tell ME to stop?"

"Yes, I am telling you to stop because you are acting like a child!" Brian bounced back as he picked up dad's present and gently gave it back to him. "You know who's acting like a child? You are. You do anything that stupid bitch tells you to do!" I said it before I had time to edit myself and the next thing I knew, I was met with Brian's fist making contact with my face.

I fell to the floor and cowered like a scared child. I had my hand to my face, trying to block out what had just happened. Brian was still standing holding his clenched fist up in the air, and Howie was now by my side. Even dad didn't dare to say a word.

Finally after what felt like forever, Brian put his fist down, "Oh my God Nicky I'm.." He stopped almost looking like he was horrified by what he did. I had to look away. I stood up and ran past him and Howie, who kept calling for me to come back. I could swear I heard Dad Laughing as I ran up the stairs.

When I got up to the top of the steps I barely made it into the bathroom in time. I heaved up my breakfast, crying the entire time. Howie knocked on the door but I refused to answer. "Come on Nick, let me in" I was now splashing water over my tear stained face. Looking at myself in the mirror.

Nick Cater hits the bottom. I thought as I once again splashed some more water on my face. Taking a few deep breaths, I unlocked the bathroom door, met with Howie's concerned face, I pushed past him and went into my room. He followed me, but I closed him out. I stood with my head against the door while I could feel Howie doing the same on the opposite side.

"Talk to me kiddo please?" He pleaded. He sounded so upset and hurt that I opened the door to him. I was met with the face of a torn and broken man. I reached for him and gave him a hug as HE cried. Together we walked into my room and sat on my bed.

"Are you alright?" He asked me gently taking my face in his hands. "Yeah I'll be okay. Brian hits like a girl" I tried to laugh but it sounded forced. He grabbed me into another hug. "Brian didn't mean to hit you, he feels awful"

"Well, I don't give a damn how Brian feels" I said sounding much like the child I was accused of being. "Aw I think you care a lot. You are hurt, so is he"

"You are too though" I said to him

"What?"

"You are hurt and nobody punched you"

"Don't worry about me"

"Why?"

"Because, I came up hear to see if you were alright"

"Howie do you hate me?"

"What?"

"I'm really sorry about Ricky. If you want to leave, you know move up there to be with her, I'll understand" Howie looked at me and smiled. The kind of smile that told me he loved me. It wasn't my fault.

"It's over Nick. We broke up before she even left. We just didn't want to tell you. She was cheating on me. Some guy she met at her aerobics class" He sighed and laughed a little.

"Aerobics?"

"Yeah"

"I'm really sorry Howie. You deserve better than that" He nodded but I was overcome with a deep sadness when I knew for sure that deep down inside he didn't believe me. He felt like he deserved all the crap that fell his way. Just like me. We were interrupted by a light knock on the door. Howie looked over at me and smiled, ready to get up to leave. "No" I said grabbing his hand "Stay please?" He sat back down and once again a knock was heard on the door.

"Nick, can I come in?" Brian said very hesitantly. "Yes" I whispered. I sounded scared and couldn't help but wonder if I was. He peered in at first, then when he saw it was safe and that I wasn't waiting with a baseball bat in my hand, he came all the way in and sat down on the floor. At my side, like a puppy dog.

"Nice tree" He said, "You should bring it downstairs" I found I couldn't even look at him. It made me sad, but I was uneasy. I didn't want to be afraid of Brian yet I was. That sucked. "I like having a little bit of Christmas right in here" My voice was a little cracked. He turned to look at me and I flinched. I actually flinched. He was surprised by my reaction and turned to face me, "Nick, I am sorry. I didn't mean to hit you! You have to know I would NEVER hurt you" I didn't know though, and that hurt more than the sting of the punch.

"What's done is done" I said now focusing on my tree. It left a warm glow in my room, not at all appropriate for the conversation we were having. "Nick, come on kiddo, talk to me. I was wrong. God what if I do that to my own son?" He said now looking like a panic had set in. "You won't" I said now sinking down off my bed to sit next to him, Howie still being a silent observer.

"How do you know that?" He asked me, now tears in HIS eyes. "I just know" I said. I wanted to finish my thought but I knew it would hurt him. I wanted to say, because you would never hurt someone you love. And you don't love me. Not anymore anyway.

"I didn't mean to call Leigh a bitch" I said placing my head in the crux of his shoulder. He answered that gesture by placing his head on mine. "I know" He answered.

Now Howie had slid down next to Brian on the other side and there we all sat staring at my little Christmas tree.

I never did get to go to that game. I gave the tickets to a guy I worked with. He had a brother that was more than willing to go with him. The ironic thing is, Brian, Howie and I stayed up in my room for hours, just staring at the tree. Leaving Leighanne alone with my dad. Go figure...