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If it wasn't me, than why did everyone always feel the need to pull away? Maybe it would be easier for me to just join the bandwagon...

Fear Of The Dark

For as long as I remember, I have always had an intense fear of the dark. Worrying about bogey men coming out of closets or monsters crawling out from under my bed would keep me up all night long. Looking over my blankets occasionally and crying about eerie shadows the moonlight cast on my wall, was how I spent a good portion of my childhood. Afraid of the dark.

As I grew up, that irrational fear was replaced by fear of the unknown. Bogeymen made room for mental illness, and monsters turned into my parents. Now that I am at the crux of adulthood, almost able to touch it with the tip of my fingers, I once again started to fear the dark.

Dark took a form though, and that was depression.

I started suffering from insomnia after Christmas. At first, when I closed my eyes, that stupid argument I had with Brian would come into my brain, playing like a movie. The yelling, the total loss of control, culminating in him punching me in the face. That was bad, but what was worse was my after show analysis. That is when my mind really went into overdrive. I didn't blame him for doing what he did, in fact, if I was in the same position and the love of my life was being slandered by some stupid kid, I may very well have done the same thing.

The remaining few days that they spent at the house were the worst for me. Totally uncomfortable. Leigh wouldn't even make eye contact with me and after Brian finally left my room, he did nothing but console a crying Leighanne. Making me hate her even more. That night, Christmas, I just sat next to my window, staring at the street below. I couldn't even bring myself to close my eyes. I knew there was no use. Instead I replayed the scene over and over again, trying to change the outcome. I had never let myself bring those kinds of emotions to the for front before. I felt like my Dad and that made me nauseous and caused major insomnia.

Brian acted like nothing was wrong between us, like he understood why I lost my cool. I didn't believe it though. When Howie left to drop them off at the airport, I hugged Leigh and then him, but I didn't feel the usual warmth coming from either. That day when I hugged him, I didn't want to let go. I wanted to just hold on to him until I felt the warmness of his love, but the warm feel of safety and love I had felt whenever I embraced my brother was gone.

"I love you Brian and again I'm sorry" I whispered in his ear.

"It's okay Nick, your emotions got the better of you that's all" He had said. I pulled away and waved at them both as they left. Scared to death that I would never see them again.

That was almost a week ago. Haven't been able to sleep for more than an hour or two at the most since then. Luckily, I had been on vacation so it really was okay that I was a walking zombie, but I was grouchy all the same. Finally on New Year's Day, Howie confronted me about my mood.

"What's your problem?" We were sitting in front of the TV watching a parade eating cold Chinese food from the night before. That was my New Year's Eve tradition, Chinese food and a movie. Happily, Howie spent it with me.

"What do you mean?" I asked slurping up some cold Lo Mein.

"You have had an attitude ever since Christmas, it's getting kind of old!" I looked over at him and rolled my eyes.

"See? That is exactly what I am talking about!"

"What?"

"The attitude Nicky, it doesn't fit you well at all"

"Maybe if you would leave me the hell alone, than I wouldn't be so snippy!" I responded, totally defensive and a little whiny.

"Fine You want me to leave you alone? I will. I'm going out. I'll be back when you decide to grow up" He stood up and in a huff he left. I threw my carton of Lo Mein noodles at the wall. They exploded and slowly slid down to the floor. I stood up ready to throw anything else I could get my hands on but something made me stop. The voice I had planted in my head when I was old enough to understand how important it was to condition myself to it. The voice of my father and mother.I thought you didn't want to be like us Nicky. You are heading down our road. Sanity to the left, insanity to the right. You choose. I visualized my sister standing at the right of me waving me on with my Mom and Dad behind her. To my left, Nothing.

I felt tears swelling in my eyes. I was becoming them. Luckily before I made that right turn, Howie walked back in. It was too late for me to clean up the mess I made or wipe my tears. I was caught in the act of being unstable. He came over and placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Nicky" He whispered. I didn't turn around. "Please talk to me kiddo, please" He turned me around, then grabbed me in a hug.

"You need to talk to someone. It's not good to hold it inside" I noticed him looking over at the splattered Chinese food on the wall, then his grip became tighter.

"I'm okay D, really. I just haven't been sleeping well that's all" I pulled away from him and wiped my eyes with my shirt sleeve. I started to walk towards the kitchen to get some paper towels to clean up my mess. He followed. I knew he would.

"How long have you had trouble sleeping?" He asked while I was bent down under the sink looking for cleaning supplies.

"EH, not long. I just...hey do you know where the Windex is?"

"Stop trying to change the subject and answer me please"

"Since Christmas" I said more to the sink than to him.

"Really? That's a week Nick. No sleep at all?" I was still under the sink now on a mission to find the damn Windex. "Can you even put Windex on a wall?"

"Nick?"

"Yes, a week and I get some sleep maybe an hour a night"

"That is not enough Nick" I found my Windex finally and moved out from under the sink. I stood up, grabbed the paper towels and walked back into the living room.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Howie asked still following me like a puppy.

"I don't know, too much on my mind I guess" I stood there looking at the mess I created and decided I needed a broom and shovel. I walked back into the kitchen, still having Howie follow me.

"God Nick can you stop for a minute?"

"Can't. I made a mess"

"I know, why Nick?"

"I was mad"

"At?"

"You, me...just everything okay? Can we drop this now?" I pushed past him with the broom and shovel.

"Why don't you just stop and talk about it Nicky?" I finally turned to face him, "Because talking doesn't help Howie"

"It might, do you even try to talk to anyone?"

"No"

"Than try it"

"Howie I'm done with talking about my problems. It doesn't get me anywhere, it just drives people away" There it was. The real problem. Hitting me in the face.

"Drives people away?" He repeated as if to say I got it now. I turned and headed back to the living room.

"Look Howie, I'm done talking about it today okay? I'm sorry I got mad and threw this stuff and I'm sorry I have been pissy lately. Maybe I am bored. Once I go back to school it will get better"

"Isn't that tomorrow?"

"Yes, so tomorrow it will get better" I said as I began to clean the carpet and the walls. He just stood there watching me. I know he didn't want to drop it, but he also knew me. He knew if I was done, I was done.

"I think you should think about therapy Nick" That made me stop in my tracks. The word I have dreaded since childhood, even since before I knew what it meant. Therapy.

"Maybe you should think about it for yourself" I said sounding a bit snippy again.

"I'm IN therapy kiddo, have been ever since Ricky left as a matter of fact"

"I don't need therapy Howie. I am not crazy"

"I never said you were Nick. Do you think I am crazy?"

"Could we just stop?" I pleaded with him. I felt a second wave of tears ready to burst forth and I didn't want him to bare witness to it.

"Okay kiddo, I'm just worried about you that's all"

"I know" I lied.

"If you want to talk about it, come to me okay?" I nodded while still facing the wall and then he left me alone. I finished my cleaning and then went to the park to sit by my tree. The only place I felt safe...