Always a Loser...Always
While upstairs, I tried to brainstorm ways I could manage to go to college. Was there anyone I knew that could help pay for me? Anyone who maybe owed me a favor? Maybe I could ask Brent's family for a loan. They seemed like nice peple. I know they had money and i'd pay them back. Maybe if everyone pitched in they could all afford to help me out.
I suddenly felt like I needed to be back home, not here where I was left helpless to my cause. Maybe if I went home I could call as many people as possible, maybe even Mario would be willing to help me out. I could sell him my soul, offer to work for nothing for the rest of my life at his pizza place.
I had to go back to school. I couldn't stay home, I was supposed to be winning the battle. Not losing it to my sad pathetic life.
AJ knocked on the bedroom door, his own bedroom that I seemed to overtake.
"Hey Nick can I come in for a second?"
What was I going to say? No sorry even though I know this is your house and all, I need my thinking time. He didn't wait for an answer, he asked more as a warning that he was going to enter. I should have expected as much. I smiled at him, and he closed the door.
"Hey...can I talk to you for a sec" Here it was. I thought he would've at least waited until after Christmas.
"Sure" I pat the bed next to me, trying to act like I didn't know what he was going to say.
He sat down and took a cigarette out, "I wasn't going to be the one to tell you this, it was Howie's job"
"Since when did speaking to me become Howie's job?" I asked bitingly. He exhaled a puff of smoke, "I didn't mean it like that"
"That's how it came out though" I guess I didn't want to make this easier on him either.
"Okay...you're right. Sorry I didn't mean that"
"I know"
"There was a problem at school...with your scholarship" I gave him credit. He didn't beat around the bush, he didn't try to sugar coat anything, sweet talk me through the bad news, he was blunt. That was AJ.
"I know, I heard you and Howie talking" He took a few more puffs of his cigarette.
"I had a feeling you did...it's not Howie's fault you know. You shouldn't be so hard on him"
"How am I being hard on him? According to you he resents me"
"By putting that guilt trip on him during dinner" Once again my big brother one ups me. He knew exactly what I was doing.
"He deserved it for hiding it from me"
"He doesn't deserve anything from you but respect! Which you greatly lacked at dinner"
"Please don't play dad with me AJ, I know you're going to be a daddy but you aren't mine" I stood up and he grabbed my arm, "Nick...stop acting like a child. Sometimes you don't get what you want. You just have to deal with it. This isn't the end of the world kiddo. It's not lilke you can't go to college anywhere. Just not there"
"It's easy for you to say I guess huh? You got to go to college but you quit. You wasted you're tuition money when it could have gone to me!" I guess Howie wasn't the only resentful one.
He didn't argue, he dropped my arm. "I'm sorry you keep getting screwed Nick"
"I'm not getting screwed this time AJ. I'm going back to school"
"Okay i'm not going to fight with you. I know you're upset but please Nick, for me and Sarah no fighting okay? When you get back home you can rip each other's heads off but not here"
I didn't know how to respond to that. I laughed, he was trying to be funny. What else could I do besides laugh? Cry? Scream? Hurt somebody?
"I am assuming that Brian has no idea?"
"Not yet, you know how D is...he wanted to work everything out before he told you or anybody else"
"He told you"
"Actually he didn't. He told Sarah" That suprised me a little bit.
"He didn't know what else to do Nick. He knew Sarah was great with finances so he called her up in a moment of desperation. Asked her how to go about refinancing a house"
"Did he do that?" I sat back down on the bed while my chain smoking brother lit up once again.
"They wouldn't let him. Said that he didn't make enough money"
"How did he manage to redecorate the house?" It's not like I didn't believe AJ because I did but still I wanted to find a kink. I wanted to be mad at Howie.
"I think he won a bet, he put some aside for you but the rest he decided to do something for himself so he bought new furniture. It is okay for him to actually want to do something for himself isn't it Nick?"
I looked away, "Of course it is. I was only asking"
"It's killing him that he can't help you out more, as it is he can barely help himself. He's even been working at a second job to help you out but he didn't want you to know"
"He has?" AJ nodded, "I think he's working at a stupid convenient store on a night shift"
"What should I do AJ?" I turned to look at him knowing I looked desperate.
"Nick if I had the money I would help, but I don't. I'm so sorry" He placed a hand on my shoulder.
"It's not your fault" but I indirectly blamed all of them. He stood up probably realizing that I needed some alone time. "I'm going to tell Howie I just told you. I'm going to leave out the part about you already knowing" I nodded. "He'll probaby want to come up and talk to you is that okay?" I nodded again. "Don't tell B or Kevin okay? They'll just worry" I looked up at AJ, "I know"
"I'm really sorry again kid"
"So am I"
After he left I just sat there almost in a dream like trance. How weird it was that I had a brief thought about my mother in that time. Why did I think of her? I have no idea. But she is the one that popped into my head. I pictured her sitting at the kitchen table telling my father how important it was for them to save money for my college education. How it was the thing to do when you had children. Put some money aside because it's everyones dream to go to college.
Then she took the money and shoved it in her pockets. Nevermind he's not important anyway. Let's just piss it away like we piss everything away. Screw Nick! He doesn't matter.
They both started laughing and pointing at me then.
I turned away from my thoughts trying to get that feeling of betrayal out of my head. It's not like this was supposed to happen. But Kevin got to go to college in Boston at a school that was even MORE expensive then the one I was attending. Kevin got help from mom and dad. Kevin got help from my rich uncle before he disowned us because of my parents craziness. Now why is it I can't go to a school that was less then five miles away from where Kevin went?
My horrible downward spiral of thoughts were interrupted by the door half opening and Howie sticking his head in. "Can I come in?"
I nodded and smiled deciding that maybe this wasn't Howie's fault anymore, now it was Kevin's.
He came over and slowly sat down next to me, "Nicky, I wish I knew what to say. AJ said you were upset and I don't blame you not one bit"
Do you blame me?" I had to ask. Before I gave him a chance to answer I added, "Do you resent me?" He placed his arm around my neck pushing my hair out of my face as he did. "Why would you ask me that?"
"I would resent me if I were you. Working two jobs just so I could go to college"
"AJ told you that? He wasn't supposed to"
"You should have. D I thought we had decided not to keep anything from each other anymore. The second you found out about this you should have told me!"
He moved his arm away from me then and I saw tears in his eyes, "I know"
"God Howie i'm sorry. Don't get that upset" Funny that at the table I wanted to see his tears but now they made me feel like a lost lonely kid.
"How can I not? All I do is fail you every chance I get"
"What? Howie I am an adult. You aren't failing anybody"
"We will think of something okay Nicky?" He was scaring me. He was Melissa. The way he was acting, him losing it like that. Too similar.
"You know what Howie, something will work out but it's Christmas so let's not worry about it, okay?"
"Of course I will worry about it" He said finally calming himself down. Now it was I who put a consoling hand around my big brother. "I know you will but don't. I am a master at brainstorming. I'll think of something"
"Maybe uncle Benny..." He said before stopping himself
"I don't even think he knows who I am Howie"
"Yes he does Nick, he's your godfather" When was he going to understand that the word father in the Carter house was more a figure of speech. Kind of like when you say to someone what's up without ever expecting or wanting an answer.
"Okay Howie, maybe we'll try him" I pat his back now, smiling the most genuine smile I could come up with.
We both heard a commotion from downstairs, "That must be Kevin" He said wiping the last of his tears and standing up. "Yeah probably" I rolled my eyes at my new found contempt of Kevin.
What Howie said next didn't help either, "Nicky promise me you won't mention this to Kevin. I don't want him thinking I messed things up again"
"Sure Howie, no worries" I said as we walked downstairs and greeted our eldest brother. The one with all of the luxuries that I got screwed out of.
My mood brightened a little at the sight of Tessa and Amber as they ran half way up the steps to greet Howie and I, "Uncle Nicky...uncle Howie" They screamed as they sailed upwards towards us. I sat down on the step and let Tessa jump into my lap as she hugged and kissed me ending the kiss with a rasberry. "Ewww you're gross!" I kidded as I lifted her shirt and did the same thing to her belly. Howie had picked up Amber and was heading down the steps with her in his hands big smile on his face as if he hadn't had a moment of weakness at all.
Kevin shook my hand and gave me a half hug since his 7 year old was in the way, clinging to my leg the way I had always wished I could do to him. "You look great" He said and winked at his daughter as she held onto me.
I walked over to Kris and hugged her tight. "Hi sweetheart" She let go and kissed me on the cheek.
I pulled back to look at his happy family. Thinking that if by some random chance of fate I could have been the first born, the one standing there with the perfect life and he could be dealing with the effects of being an eternal loser. struggling for every single thing I wanted to achieve. Knowing deep down inside there was never a way out.
"Hey Nick will you grab the bags on the porch?" I looked over at Kevin and smiled, "Sure no problem"
The hatred I felt for him at that moment was just awful. There was no reason for it but it was still there. Seething inside of me waiting to burst.
"Uncle Nick I love you" I looked down at Tessa, the oldest in her family now. Would Amber be thinking the same way I was one day? Would Tessa get all the benefits while Amber got the short end of the stick?
"I love you too" I said bending down and picking her up. She got a little bigger since the last time I had seen her and I actually had to bend my knees to grab her.
There was no way that would ever happen because Kevin is a good father. He would always make sure his daughters had everything they ever needed. I put Tessa down and grabbed the bags. "What do you have in here the kitchen sink?"
She giggled, "Yeah"
I knew at that moment it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. I was just dealt a horrible hand. Never meant to get anywhere or achieve anything. I walked into AJ's house with Kevin's luggage in one hand, Tessa's hand in the other, knowing I was never going to be happy.
