The Lonely Boy
The week that was spent over at my brother’s house could best be summed up in one word; awkward. I know it’s sad that I still feel like that but I looked at these guys and their happy wives and kids and I just didn’t feel like I had anything more in common with them then my last name.
I kept my distance from Kevin that first day and I also knew he realized that. He didn’t say anything but I could tell by the suspicious glares he was sending my way. It’s weird really because besides an occasional jealous thought when it came to Leigh, I never allowed myself to be jealous of them.
Now it was different. Something in me turned and every word out of their mouths just made me feel nothing but contempt for them. Any little complaint of I never get time alone anymore because the kids follow me everywhere to I wish we sometimes had moved to Los Angeles. The weather was so much nicer there.
All simple meant without the least bit of malice, but what I took from it was “just reminding you how happy we are and that never in your life will you feel that”
I took the time at AJ’s to just figure things out. What the heck was I supposed to do now? I felt like I was at another dead end. Is it right for an 18 year old to hit so many dead ends?
“Eighteen” I said out loud sitting outside on the porch once again. I enjoyed the solitude it gave me. The coldness of mid December helping my brain to think. I was 18 already and what did I have to show for it? Not a damn thing. I looked at Brent and Mark and they were both well on the way to becoming the men their parents always wanted them to be.
“Parents… pfft” I moved my legs to the bottom step feeling the pins and needles starting to crawl from my feet all the way up to my knees.
“Hey” I turned around to find Ricky of all people looking at me from the screen door.
Yes Ricky had arrived the day after Kevin and since she was here Howie was the happiest I have seen him. They took a lot of walks those two, probably their way to escape the family. Walking away hand in hand Ricky’s head on my brother’s shoulders.
“Hi” I turned back around to the front, it was icy cold now and the slight pinkness of the sky showed snow was coming soon.
The door creaked open and a waft of cocoa hit my nose. She sat down and handed me a cup, “I figured you’d be cold and would need this”
“Thanks” I grabbed the cup from her and enjoyed the instant warmth it gave my hands.
“The kids have been asking for you”
“They have?” I blew on the coca now watching my breath make ripples as the marshmallows fought to stay afloat.
“Yup, you’re quite the popular uncle in there. Those kids love you to death!”
“Eh, that’s because I still give them pony rides” She chuckled. I forgot how much I loved her laugh. I couldn’t help but smile.
“How are you doing sweetie? I miss our little talks we used to have”
I nodded, “Yeah I do too. I’m doing good. What about yourself?”
“I’m sorry about college”
“Don’t be it’s not your fault” Yet but don’t worry by the end of the day I’ll figure out a way to blame you!
She placed an arm around me, “Still, I’m sorry”
“Well that’s how the ball bounces I guess”
“Howie has been trying his…” I stopped her by pulling away.
“It doesn’t really make me feel better to know that he’s been working like a dog to try to help me out”
“He just loves and cares about you Nick. He worries all the time” At first when she started talking about my brother’s deep concern I was grateful thinking how cool of her to try to make me feel better. But as the conversation went on I began to realize the words coming out of her mouth weren’t for consolation, more for blame.
“He shouldn’t worry, I’m an adult”
“You’re only 18 but it wouldn’t matter if you were 18 or 80. He would still worry”
The words themselves didn’t sound harsh, just the tone of her voice. Cold and annoyed, much the same way I sound like when I talk to or about Leighanne.
“He loves you Ricky” She paused, a slight pause only pulling her legs closer to her body to keep warm.
“He loves you more” So much for being subtle, jeez in all the years Brian was with Leigh I had never said anything like that to her. Now here was Ricky just blurting those words out as if it was fact.
“That’s not true Rick…you need to see him when you’re not around, he’s moody and sulky. You make him smile”
“I’m worried about him Nick” The goosebumps started on my arms and ran all the way up my back.
“He’s just not the same, there’s an unhappiness to him that wasn’t there before” Nodding I took another sip of cocoa. Until now I had hoped Howie’s change in behavior was just my overactive imagination.
"I want to take him away…”
"Away where?”
“I don’t know…maybe a vacation somewhere just the two of us or even see if he wants to move back in with me”
“Oh…well a vacation sounds good”
She put her cocoa down on the ground and I felt her arm on mine, “What do you think about him moving in with me?”
What do I say to that exactly? What I really think or what she wants to hear? “Have you talked to him about it?”
She moved her hand away from mine, “He said he doesn’t want to leave you with no home”
I have become very used to that accusing tone. I have heard it my whole life. All the things people had to sacrifice because I made the mistake of being born, silly me.
“He doesn’t have to worry about me. Tell him to do what he wants”
“Maybe you should tell him that”
I was not about to give my brother permission to run away from here. “Yeah maybe I will” I took one final gulp of my cocoa licking at the few marshmallows sticking to the bottom. My insides had warmed but there was still a chill in the air, not from the weather either.
She stood up, “Good, I think that’s all he needs is your permission. Then he can start living his own life…you know?”
I’m sure she didn’t mean it as an insult although I’m not sure how you could NOT take what she said as one. She wanted what was best for my brother and even though I didn’t want to admit it, Ricky was what was best for him.
I felt a droplet of moisture fall on my nose, it was snowing. “Guess it’s time to come out of hiding again” I stood up and went inside.
Inside was chaotic as compared to what it was like on the porch. So peaceful and quiet. The second the door opened I was hit with the sounds of children playing. The burst of warm air made me shiver,
“Here comes frosty now” AJ kidded from the couch where he sat next to Kristin showing her pictures.
“Frosty?”
“Yeah because you seem to love being outside in subzero weather”
“Not anymore, it’s snowing”
“Tessa! Watch Baylee… make sure he doesn’t hurt himself” Leigh yelled from the kitchen. Naturally she would be in there but the waft of cinnamon and sugar almost made my mouth salivate.
“Okay” Was accompanied by a small child’s giggle. Tessa was trying to pick Baylee up off the floor and landed on a heap tickling his belly instead. Of course little sister was right there laughing along with their grandfather. My dad seemed to transform in front of the kids. He sat on the chair beside them trying to tickle at Amber’s foot as she pulled away.
“What’s she making?”
“I don’t know but it smells good” I took my long scarf off and wrapped it around my coat, “Sarah is in there with her so you should go check and make sure whatever it is isn’t done because well you know…my honey bunny has turned into a garbage compactor”
Kristin laughed and hit AJ on the shoulder.
When I walked into the kitchen the conversation stopped. Gotta love that, when you walk into a room and everything halts. Makes you feel just peachy. “Hi”
“Hello there” Leigh was scooping balls of cookie dough onto trays.
“What are you making? It smells great”
“Snicker doodles” I put my finger in the bowl and promptly got my hand smacked.
“Where’s your husband?” She handed me a finished cookie. It was still warm and gooey.
“I think he’s with Kevin doing something. Not sure what. They’re down in the basement”
“Lord help us if they are trying to fix something down there” Leigh laughed at Sarah who had her mouth around a cookie dough filled spoon.
I was in awe of how great the cookies were and reached behind Leighanne to grab another one, “These are incredible”
She smiled surprised by my comment. “Thanks”
I winked at her and made my way down the steps. I heard laughter as I descended and then once again quiet.
“Hey Nick” Turns out they were playing cards the two of them. “Are you playing Go Fish or something?”
“Something like that….HA! Pay up old man” Kevin disgustedly threw a five dollar bill at Brian who was gloating.
“Poker? You guys are playing poker?”
“Yup”
“Where’s D?” I pulled up a chair next to Brian and sat myself down. They were munching on pretzels and beer.
“He’s was supposed to deal the next hand!” Kevin turned his head and shouted to the laundry room.
“I take it he’s in there then?”
“Yup canoodling with Ricky”
“Oh”
“Canoodling Kev? You crack me up”
“Just shut up and deal B”
I laughed and went to grab an unopened beer can. “Not so fast there buddy but nice try” Kevin slapped my hand and I pulled it away.
“Ouch! Come on? It’s the holidays”
“Oh yeah it’s the holidays a great reason to let you drink. Uh no, but nice try”
“Can I at least play?”
“Go see if Howie is in or not, if not then you can take his place”
“Fine” I stood up and walked over to the laundry room and there in the corner was my brother, the neat well kempt brother mind you, in the midst of making out with his girlfriend as if he were in high school.
I didn’t bother to interrupt them but I did stare for just a minute, realizing that Howie was genuinely happy with Ricky. Their lips parted and they held onto each other smiling. I tried to walk away unnoticed but to no avail, “Nicky…” I turned at her voice.
“Hey buddy what’s up?”
I just smiled at them, Ricky’s hands wrapped around Howie’s waist. “Nothing, just seeing what you were up to”
“Oh a little bit of this and that” Ricky said grabbing my brother close and kissing him on his cheek. She gave me a look, I’m not sure if Howie picked up on it but I did. It was a look that said; See how happy I make him? Let me take him away from all the misery Nick.
She was right though, I couldn’t even argue.
“I’ll see you guys later” I winked at them, but inside my heart was breaking. I knew what I had to do; I had to give Howie permission to fly away. Suddenly I didn’t feel much like playing poker or drinking beer while eating cookies.
Walking back out to Brian and Kevin I heard the unmistakable cussing of AJ. He had come and taken Howie’s place and was already in the middle of a game where apparently he had just lost.
“Well? Is he coming back?”
I shook my head, “No, he’s moved onto to better things” The all shook their heads and smirked but I was talking about so much more.
“Are you going to play or what?” Brian asked motioning for me to sit back down.
“Nah, I think I’m going to go outside again. I just love it out there”
“You are nuts kid. You’re going to end up with pneumonia”
“It’s snowing so don’t stay out too long okay?” Kevin’s fatherly advice cutting through the smoke as AJ lit up a cigarette.
“Okay” I just stood and watched the scene of three of my brothers all playing poker together. Laughing and joking while their wives were upstairs cooking. Melissa would have loved this scene. She would have soaked it in like a sponge. Howie snuggling with the love of his life and dad playing with his grandkids, it almost made us look normal and happy even.
There was no room for me in that picture though. Now I knew that, I smiled despite that final thought and headed for the great outdoors once again.
