The Godfather
After my meeting with Ricky and my realization that things were only to go downhill from that point on, I decided to take a ‘fuck it’ attitude and have a good time. I spent the remaining few days at AJ’s… happy and smiley, refusing to think about anything other then the looks on my nieces and godson’s face when they opened up their presents from their uncle Nick.
Despite all the drama that was my life, I managed to have a great Christmas. Everyone was civil, even my dad who continued to hang with the kids and try his best to be a grandfather. Thankfully Brian decided not to punch me in the face this year maybe because all I got him was a leather wallet. I learned my lesson about extravagance after last time.
Leighanne of course got a porcelain goose to go along with the duck she got last year. I think I just enjoyed giving her those kind’s of things just to get a reaction out of her.
Since my family is so good at secret keeping, all of my presents were school related which broke Howie’s heart even more than mine. Kevin and Kris bought me the absolute coolest Lava lamp. I gave him props because he is so typically UNcool that I wasn’t even sure he knew what one of those was. It was a huge one with blue and red on the inside... must have cost a fortune. I felt the dimmest twinge of anger at that. Wanting to lash out briefly and say “With the money you spent on this I could have put about $100 bucks down towards college.”
In fact that is what mostly crept through my mind as I opened all of my presents. Not that any of them were really expensive but still it adds up you know?
All in all after the presents were opened and the food firmly stuck to our ribs, I’d have to say this Christmas was a good one. Well despite that fact that my life was turned upside down, but then again when wasn’t it?
By the time Howie and I got back to our home in Pennsylvania, I was a nervous wreck. The second we had gotten in the car he apologized to me for not telling everyone, “But you understand why right?” I of course nodded.
Then he said what I knew was going to be my last hope. I didn’t want it to be but it was, and that was “When we get back, maybe you should call Uncle Benny”
Uncle Benny was my mother’s older brother. He made his money in the grocery business, working hard for every penny. As a man he had a great work ethic and treated his own children like gold. Yes I was jealous of them as well. It was hard going to family functions and seeing all that his three daughters had while we had nothing. Luckily by the time I was old enough to realize that, our little family get togethers had gone by the waste side.
My mother and Benny were very close as children, so the legend goes anyway. He always stuck up for her and gave her everything she ever wanted. The perfect big brother should we tell us just as he called to cancel on her for one event or the other.
He greatly disapproved of my mother’s relationship with some loser named John Carter. He had said “This guy is going to drag you down Jo…you just wait and see”
Seems like our Uncle Benny was also very intuitive.
There is a story that Kevin always liked to tell about the first time my Uncle met my father. He had walked my mother home from a date, of course because his license had been suspended due to drunk driving. Mom didn’t know that at the time though. Anyway, dad had walked mom home in a snow shower. To keep his feet from getting wet he wore a pair of rubber boots. Benny insisted that he take those stupid things off before he walked into the house to which my father bit his tongue.
They ate dinner under the watchful eye of Benny and his own father who also didn’t much like my dad. Asked dad why he wasn’t working yet and what direction his life was taking him. I guess by that time my dad had broken into profuse sweating from being scrutinized. Happy to have made it through the meal, he kissed my mother on the check to show what a gentlemen he was and made his way out of the apartment.
Supposedly after my father left, they were all sitting at the kitchen table taking turns letting my mother know that maybe this John guy wasn’t so perfect for her after all. That’s when they heard all sorts of interesting profanity coming from the hallway. Benny walked over and opened the door to find my father still sitting in the hallway trying to get his rubber boots back on his feet.
“Were you listening in on us boy?” Benny stood with hands folded angry as all hell.
“No, I just can’t get my Mother fucking boots on!”
I believe at that point mom out of sheer embarrassment ran into her room crying as Benny and my grandfather slammed the door in my father’s face calling him a “joik!” At least that is how Benny says it.
His strong Bronx accent coming through loud and clear and also Kevin’s favorite part of the story, “You stupid joik!!” He would imitate which would send us all rolling to the floor.
Benny was our savior many many times, always bailing us out of our financial problems. There were times that he would pay a mortgage payment when dad was unable too or buy us school clothes so we wouldn’t look like peasant children. He never yelled at my mother but he did gradually lessen his visits. He would never call us anymore or send cards or presents. He became more of a charitable donor then an uncle.
Benny helped all of the others with college, agreeing to co sign student loans since our own miserable parents couldn’t even do that much for us. He practically paid for all of Kevin’s schooling plus helped with the down payment on his house.
By the time I was old enough to realize how cool having an Uncle Benny could be he had all but abandoned us. That of course had happened when mom checked out of dodge. There was no reason for him to be nice anymore but for a while he still was. Would occasionally call my dad to see how things were.
The ironic thing is I probably know him least out of all of us. Why is it ironic? Because he’s my Godfather. He never wanted the burden of being anyone’s godfather he had told my mom as she popped baby after baby out.
He understood what a big responsibility it was and wasn’t sure if he could live up to it. By the time I came along he had finally softened up to the idea and he became my Godfather. Everyone was so jealous supposedly, “How unfair is it that Boo gets such a cool Godfather?”
Yeah real cool.
I think I can count on one hand the times he has actually talked to me. I know it’s not his fault and I never openly complained to anyone about it. He was our savior supposedly. Without Benny where would we be? In a cardboard box that’s where.
I never reaped the benefits though. To me he was no more than some random guy who was related to me.
So hearing Howie say those words made me cringe just slightly. How do I ask a man who is just about a stranger to me for money for college and not just a little money but a lot of money?
“Nicky I’m sure he’ll help as much as he can. He’s your godfather and he loves you”
“He doesn’t even know me Howie”
“You don’t have to really know someone to love them” You had to love my brother’s logic there. I wish I could think that way. I bet I wouldn’t have an ulcer.
“Come on Howie…I couldn’t just call him out of the blue and beg him for money” I couldn’t but maybe Howie could. “You think you can make that call for me?” He turned towards me a little surprised.
“Me?”
“Yeah he knows you D and I know he has helped you out before. Maybe you can call him for me”
“Nick…”
“Please D? I’m desperate. I can’t do it. I don’t know him”
Howie paused for a few moments and then nodded at me. “I’ll give him a call after dinner” I grabbed him in a hug, “Thank you so much Howie”
“Don’t thank me it’s my fault you are in this mess in the first place”
“This isn’t your fault D”
“Well then whose is it?”
I thought about it for a second then smiled, “Okay it’s your fault. It’s always your fault” I was kidding and the smile on his face made me laugh.
Maybe everything would work out after all.
After dinner I sat across from Howie nervously tapping my fingers against the table as he dialed my uncle’s house. I was so uncomfortable with the idea of asking for money, that I didn’t even want to be in the room when Howie did it. He made me sit there though. If he was going to make the call the least I could do would be to sit there like a man and wait out an answer.
Then it occurred to me how much what this man said was riding on my future. I looked at this call as my last hope, maybe that’s why I couldn’t make it myself. Maybe that’s why I didn’t even want to be in earshot of the answer. I was petrified and because I was, I stretched my arm across the table and hung up on Howie after he just finished dialing.
“What the heck are you doing Nick?”
“I need to time to think this through before you make this call”
“But it already rang. Now he’s going to think I am pranking him or something”
“He won’t know”
“He will if he star 69’s us!” We sat in silence just waiting for the phone to ring and after about three minutes Howie finally placed the receiver back on the carol. “So when should I call? You know the longer you wait…”
“Howie it’s not that easy. This is my life” I didn’t mean to get chocked up and truthfully it came out of nowhere. But he understood, I could tell by the small nod he gave me as he reached across the table at me this time to grab my hand.
“You’re right Nicky…I’ll tell you what why don’t you think things through and I’ll go bring dad back to the home. When I get back we’ll talk more okay?” I nodded at him.
“Dad has been really quiet don’t you think? Like oddly quiet even in the car” I had made a mental note of that during our 90 minute ride but didn’t verbalize it because why curse a good thing?
“Maybe the new meds he is on are doing the job?”
“Or maybe I’m just tired…ever think of that?” We both turned at the sound of my father’s voice.
“Not everything has to do with your old man being a nut job Howard!”
“I know sorry dad…look let me just run to the bathroom then I’ll take you back”
“I’d rather the kid take me” Howie looked over at me with a concerned expression on his face.
“Really dad I think Nicky just needs some alone time”
“I haven’t even talked to you since you got back boy. Let us have a father son bonding experience” Dad came over to me and slapped me on the back.
Great what else can happen? I rolled my eyes at the ceiling and almost laughed, “Okay sure dad…I’ll take you back”
Standing up to grab my jacket Howie pulled me aside, “You sure? I can take him”
“It’s okay D” He hugged me tight against him; my nose was pushed against his brown freshly moosed hair.
“Alright dad let’s get this show on the road” We walked out into the cold December air. Once again the sky was pink and the snow that was coming down as flurries by my brother’s house was now coming down much faster and sticking to the road and grass.
“Let’s make this fast before it gets too bad to see” I opened the passenger door for him, “Yeah because God forbid we let our own father stay in the house that he bought for himself and his family” I ignored the sarcastic comment wanting too much to call him out on that ‘his house’ thing but decided it best not to.
I took the roads slowly since it was starting to get a bit slippery and hard to see. “So heard you talking about the jackass Benny” He said out of the blue once we had turned the corner and it was too late to change my mind about this bonding session.
“Yeah”
“He’s an ass and your mother idolized the hell out of him”
“Nothing wrong with looking up to your big brother” I pulled my body closer to the steering wheel as if that would help me see better.
“Yeah but she was delusional”
“Aren’t we all sometimes” I said under my breath. I couldn’t get this man home fast enough and it was bothering me that fast in this weather was about 30 miles an hour.
“Anyway why are you asking him for money?”
“College”
“I thought you won a scholarship or did they figure out you were really a dumbass?” He laughed but I reached my breaking point right there.
“Truthfully dad? They figured out you were the dumbass! See I got screwed over because you’re still alive” Whoa that was mean but I couldn’t help it; it was off my tongue before I could even swallow it back.
He whapped me upside the head so hard I almost lost control of the steering wheel. “Let me out of this mother fucking car right now you putz!” He screamed at me and swiped at me again. I threw my foot on the breaks with so much force, that I almost did a 360 turn. Luckily no one was stupid enough to be out on the road but us… so no damage done. He got out of the car and started hobbling down the street. I almost let him and drove away but sighed and got out, “Dad don’t be stupid”
“Don’t talk to me, I will not allow my youngest son to talk so disrespectfully to me!”
“Look I’m sorry alright? Now get in the car it’s freezing”
“How dare you blame me for your problems Nickolas Carter! How dare you wish me dead?”
“I never wished you dead dad” I really knew we were making a scene in the middle of a usually crowded intersection. All it would take is one car to pass and they would most likely be calling the police. “I worded that wrong and I’m sorry” Although I wasn’t really. It was his fault pretty much.
“What did you mean to say?”
“I’ll tell you in the car…come on” I turned and started walking towards the car hoping that he was following.
With the heat turned up really high and my teeth literally chattering in my mouth I was happy to see him walking back towards my direction. The light had changed twice from green to red while we sat there in the middle of the intersection, luckily only one car went by and a snow plow. If he didn’t hurry his ass up soon we would be stuck sleeping in the damn car for the night in which case someone would not live till morning.
“You hate me you always have” Were the first words he uttered as he got in the car.
“Dad we really need to go otherwise I’m never going to make it home”
“You hate me, my own flash and blood wishes I were dead” He was trying to manipulate me at this point like he had done so frequently when I was a child, make me feel as guilty and bad as possible.
The rest of the ride was spent in silence. I didn’t even put the radio on, all we heard was the snow hitting the wipers as we drove at almost a snails crawl to his home. I didn’t get out of the car to help him or anything just unlocked the door.
He stepped out and slammed it shut. “Don’t worry dad I’ll be safe going home” I said under my breath and for a second thought about running his ass over before turning around and heading back to the house.
Almost 3 hours later I arrived back home. The roads were so horrible by that point that every mile or so I had to stop and push the excess snow off the windshield. I was afraid I wouldn’t make it home at all so when I finally arrived on my street I sighed out loud.
Howie met me on the porch, “What the hell took you so long? I was worried sick!!”
“Um…there’s a blizzard going on D if you couldn’t tell”
“Why the heck didn’t you stay at dads?” I almost pee’d my pants when he said that, “Yeah right”
“I was about ten minutes from calling the police” I hugged him, I needed to feel cared about at that moment, “You worry too much Howie”
He grabbed my soaking wet jacket from me and gave me a blanket, “Why are you so wet?” I didn’t feel the need to tell him about the blow up with dad so I told him instead about having to get out and wipe the windshield. “Nicky next time that happens you need to just not drive, stay off the road”
“I will thanks for the tip”
He handed me a cup of cocoa, I love Howie…have I mentioned? “I called Benny” Until he said that.
“What?”
“I called him while you were gone”
“I thought I told you I wanted to wait on that”
“I knew if we didn’t do it today we might never do it at all”
“What did he say?” A lump caught in my throat as if waiting to here of a possible death sentence.
“He said he needs to think about it”
“Oh” I didn’t know what else to say to that. At least it wasn’t a no but why wasn’t it an enthusiastic yes?
“Don’t worry Nicky I’m sure that means yes”
“Well whatever I guess right?” He gave me a smile.
“Well being with dad for so much father son bonding has made me really tired so I’m hitting the hay. I’ll see ya tomorrow”
“Okay” He looked like he wanted to say more but he didn’t and neither did I. Just made my way upstairs and went to sleep.
