Secrets
We did end up playing Monopoly for what ended up being a really long time. Now let me tell you something, when it came to that game, I was a pro! No one could ever touch me and of course Howie and AJ both ended up bankrupt. If only life was like that. We didn't talk much despite the long game. Howie would only smile occasionally when one of us would land on his properties but other then that he was quiet. AJ tried to distract us both by cracking jokes and of course cheating, but even though I would laugh and play right back, Howie kept silent, as if he was in deep thought about something.
I really hated it when someone in my family wasn't acting right. You know other families that would mean just a bad day but when the Carters had a bad day that usually meant death. I didn't like that thought at all so I suddenly found myself blurting out, "Howie what is wrong?"
The question seemed to take him by surprise, "What do you mean?"
"You are just acting weird. Moody and quiet, is everything alright?"
"Yes fine" But the way he answered signaled otherwise.
"Seriously D! Talk to me because the mood swings are a little..." He stood up then almost knocking the board off the table. The pieces went sailing onto the floor which was okay since we were done.
"You know what? I'm allowed to be in a rotten mood every once in awhile! I'm going home" AJ and I both looked at each other totally confused.
"We just got here"
Howie bent down to pick up the playing pieces, "I know Nicky but I forgot I have to go do something, you stay...AJ you mind if he stays the night?"
"No man not a problem at all" They were acting like I was five again.
"I'll be back to pick him up tomorrow"
"He can stay as long as he wants"
"What if I don't want to stay?" I loved spending time with AJ but I was also really looking forward to meeting up with Brent and some other high school friends I hadn't seen in ages.
"I'm offended, he doesn't want to stay with me" I once again looked over at AJ; was he so blind that he couldn't see how weird Howie was acting? "It's not that AJ but..."
Luckily before anyone of us could say anything more in walked Sarah and her friend, carrying a ton of bags with them. AJ's eyes lit up just looking at his wife, but she ignored him and instead walked over to Howie wrapping him up in a huge hug. After saying hello to Howie she made her way over to me, "Hello handsome!" She said pulling me close to her. I laughed when I couldn't manage to wrap my hands around her. First I laugh at AJ now I laugh at Sarah. Very nice Nick!
"Um...did you buy out the place honey?" She let go of me and winked, "Yes Alex I did can't you tell?"
"Yeah"
She walked towards him and kissed him, "It was all free sweetie. That was the idea. They hand out a ton of freebies to expectant mothers like myself"
"Then it's all good" Once again he kissed her, now I felt like I was intruding. He knelt down and rubbed her belly, "Hello baby!" He said in a ridiculous PeeWee Herman voice.
"AJ you are going to scare that kid right out of there if you keep that up!" He looked over at me and shook his head. "I used to do it to you and you turned out alright"
"Did he really do that to me Howie?" I looked over at my brother who once again seemed to check out of dodge. Walking closer to him I placed my hand on his shoulder, "Howie?" He looked over at me and smiled, "Yeah he did it all the time. He would rub mom's stomach and talk to you" I wasn't listening to him anymore. I guess I was concentrating more on what was wrong. He was beginning to worry me and I didn't do worried very well. I felt my stomach roll. The first time since I had left home.
"Howie I hope you change your mind and stay" AJ said walking back to the table and sitting down while Sarah walked her friend out.
"I don't know J, maybe" I just stood staring at him. I must have made him uncomfortable because he looked away.
"I'm going out for some fresh air i'll be right back" I started walking after him but AJ's hand on my shoulder brought me back, "He's okay Nicky...let him go"
I turned to AJ, "What's wrong with him J?"
"Not sure" There it was, a lie. It was obvious he wasn't telling me the truth when he bit at his bottom lip. They were keeping something from me again. Another deep dark family secret!
"I know you are lying to me AJ"
"I'm not lying to anyone kid. Come on let's clean this game up before my wife yells at me. You know what it's like to live with a hormonal woman? It ain't pretty" I laughed but it was forced. Why were they keeping things from me again? What could be so horrible that I couldn't handle hearing it?
"Is Howie okay AJ? I mean he isns't sick is he?"
"Niiiick....stop. He's fine"
I turned around to him once again and tried to get it out of him, "but..."
He wouldn't let me finish, just shook his head, "Nicky you have to trust me. Everything is okay"
"You said that when he was in the mental hospital too"
"He wasn't in a mental hospital"
"You know what I mean. If there is something wrong I want to know what it is!"
He ignored me and continued to pick up the game pieces, an action that did nothing but piss me off so I decided to leave the room. I was going to get to the bottom of things myself. I didn't care if I would have to pry it out of Howie or not! The days of secret keeping were over.
I was just about to walk out the front door when I stopped at the screen. There was Sarah and Howie sitting on the steps and talking. It seemed like a heated talk. She was listening to him and my name came up at least twice. I wish I could have made out more but they were talking too quietly and of course stopped cold when they saw me standing there.
"Hi baby" She said motioning for me to come and sit next to her and Howie.
I opened the screen door and sat down, refusing to make eye contact with my brother. "I can't believe how much you have grown since we last saw you. That's what Howie and I were just talking about"
Nice cover up Sarah! I didn't say it but I wanted too. "Yeah I guess that's what college does to you although I don't think I look any different, well besides being thinner according to these guys"
"It's not your appearance, just an air of confidence. You have grown into a nice lovely young man" I was embarrassed.
"Sarah please..."
"She's right Nicky...you have grown up a lot. We're proud of you"
"Then why are you keeping things from me then?"
"I'm not keeping anything from you"
"I feel like you are all keeping secrets and I want to know what it is" Howie shook his head and Sarah smiled, "Howie decided to stay afterall" She said trying to change the subject.
"Yeah but now I gotta make a quick phone call, do you mind Sarah?"
"No go ahead, this way the two of us can catch up on things" Howie smiled at us and made his way inside leaving Sarah and I sitting on the porch. She really looked great pregnant, like she was meant to be a mom. Her belly jutting out a little but not too much and her cheeks rosy and full.
"You look terrific Sarah" She laughed, "Now you're just trying to be nice"
"No i'm serious. You look amazing!" She pulled me close to her again, "I have really missed you Nick you know that?"
"Sarah what's going on with Howie?"
"He just has things on his mind pumpkin. It's nothing you should worry about"
"Pumpkin?" I laughed at her.
"Yes...I'm thinking of calling our baby pumpkin"
"You mean as a real name?" She nodded. "thought i'd try it out on you first, how did you like it?"
"If you name this kid Pumpkin you better start looking for a therapist" She laughed but then grew serious, "Nick, seriously don't worry about Howie, when he's ready to tell you he will"
I dropped the conversation because frankly I had nothing more to say, just sat quietly with Sarah on the porch as a cool breeze made us both wonder why we weren't inside. I liked the brisk air though. It stung and reminded me how alive I was as well as everything around me.
Soon it was too much for me as I made my way inside about ten minutes after Sarah did. We laughed over dinner and talked about old times but mostly our conversation was centered around the baby.
On the car ride back home Howie shut off the radio suddenly, "Nicky..."
It's funny because all I wanted was for him to open up to me but then sitting there in the car, when I felt he was about to do just that, I pretended to be asleep. He said my name once more and then when I failed to say anything in return he put the radio back on.
Maybe I knew whatever was going to come out of his mouth I wouldn't much like. Maybe I just knew I wasn't ready to hear it. Whatever the case, the conversation was happily dropped and I did fall asleep, vaguely remembering AJ shouting hello baby at me while I was inside my mother's womb.
I awoke when the car came to a stop. Yawning and stretching as Howie turned off the ignition, "Well someone conked out for the entire ride" He sounded tired. To me he sounded everything but happy.
"Sorry about that" He smiled at me and walked inside. Uncomfortable conversation successfully averted!
I travelled up the steps with every thought of calling Brent to see if maybe he wanted to get together tomorrow before we once again headed back to AJ's for a week of family reunions and such, but instead I found myself calling someone else.
She picked up on the very first ring, before I had time to second guess myself.
"Hello?"
"Hey"
"Nick?" A level of excitement in her voice made me smile.
"Yeah...how's things?"
"Good, it's kind of late though..." I shifted on the floor and switched ears. Like getting blown off would be easier from the left then the right.
"Sorry, you want me to let you go?"
"NO! I mean you just took me by surprise that's all"
Talking to Amy felt so natural, like I was able to transport myself from here back to there. A place where I could avoid sad brothers and churning stomachs.
I know it was hypocritical of me to be so hard on my family for keeping secrets when I realized the people now closest to me had no idea what my life was like. All I did was keep secrets from them.
At the moment I didn't care. I just wanted to be taken away which I was happily. We talked for about two hours. So much that my ear was numb by the time we finally said our goodbyes. We didn't even talk the entire time. Sometimes we just sat quietly and listened to the same TV show, being calmed by each others breaths.
I was so tired when I got off the phone that I didn't even bother to crawl into bed, just slept right there on the floor grabbing the blanket off my bed and rolling into it.
If I could have climbed out my window and driven back to college I would have in a heartbeat. Even though no one would be there, I still was. The Nick that I actually liked.
