I didn’t knock, just opened the door and found him sitting on the floor looking at the ceiling. He looks so tired.

“Kevin?”

“Not now, AJ. I don’t wanna hear it.”

“Kevin, just...” I said approaching him.

“You guys should be happy. I’m leaving you in peace. Wasn’t that what you wanted? No more Kevin making wrong decisions and interfering with your lives.”

I stood there is silence, not sure of what I should say.

“I’m tired of making wrong decisions, AJ,” he said looking at me for the first time. “I’m tired of all the responsibility and of losing all the people I love.”

Oh God! This was the first time Kevin was openly crying in front of me or in front of anyone for what I knew. I had seen him crying twice, once after we left Earth and the other time the day we heard about Earth’s destruction, but only because I had followed him and saw him crying alone, where he thought nobody could see him. I wasn’t even sure if he had ever cried after Kaydee’s death. And now here he was, in front of me and tears running down his face.

“Kevin you have done a fantastic job taking care of everything, taking care of us.”

“Tell Brian that,” he snorted.

“Brian was just talking shit. Like we all do it sometimes.”

“I wasn’t going to send him away AJ. I would never send Nick away.” He kept talking looking at the floor and wiping his tears “I just wanted to scare him, make him listen to me.” Man, he looks so young.

“I know. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean. Like today when I told you that I could stay here. You know I would never do that, don’t you?”

“I can’t protect the people I love.”

“Kev...”

“I keep making all these mistakes and I can’t afford to make mistakes when the lives of the people I love are at stake. I should have done something.” What’s he talking about? Our parents?

“Kevin we were just kids.” But then it hit me. He wasn’t talking about our parents. He was talking about Kaydee.

“You can’t keep blaming yourself for her death.”

He looked up at me bewildered, probably because I had discovered what he was thinking.

“It was my fault AJ. I should have protected her, I should have made her listen. She shouldn’t have taken part of that battle.”

He played with the ring in his chain.

“It’s that the ring you gave her?”

I saw the surprise in his eyes. “How do you know it? Howie told you?”

“That you were going to marry her? No, she told me.”

“She told you?”

“Yes, remember that we were close.”

“Right.” He smiled “She loved you. She was always defending you,” he added rolling his eyes.

I took a seat by his side. “She was the one who gave me half of my nicknames. I don’t know why because she never used any of them.”

We kept silence for a moment.

“I told her that I was going to give her a real engagement ring one day, with a gem on it. But she said that she didn’t want it. She accepted this little piece of metal like it was jewelry.”

“She was an amazing girl,” I murmured closing my eyes.


~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~× ~ × ~ × ~

“Hello Lexi!”

“Kaydee don’t call me that.” The little boy answered looking up for the homework he was trying to do. “That’s a girl’s name.”

“No, it’s not. Come one Al boy, why the bad mood?” Kaydee said taking a seat at the desk at his side.

“Why are you always shortening my name?”

“Because it is too long, ALEXANDER JAMES.” she smiled and her big brown eyes sparkled.

“Just call me Alex, that’s what the guys call me.”

“No, I want you to give you a special name.”

“Not Al, please.”

“Okay,” she said rolling her eyes “I will think something else. Damn, these desks are uncomfortable. What are these, for midgets?” she added standing up.

“You are just too old for school.” he replied laughing.

“Hey, I’m not too old. I’m 18. These desks are simply wrong. Is this even your class? Because these are too little for you too. No, let me say that again, these are too little for any 12 year old kid. Nick would probably fit here better.

“That would make him a midget?” Alex asked giving a roar of laughter.

“Shhh, I didn’t say that. Nicky is pretty tall for a 10 year old. Why are you still at school, anyway? There’s nobody here, not even the teachers. Are you in detention or something like that?”

“No, it’s just that I can’t concentrate on my homework when I’m in my room with Nicky running and jumping all over the place. And what are YOU doing here?”

“Looking for you,” she said giving him a wink.

“Why? Is Kevin looking for me?”

“Kevin? What did you do now, Alex?”

“Nothing.”

“Yeah right, and you are so nervous because of nothing.” She messed his hear playfully. “And no, Kevin is not looking for you, kid; it’s only that I have a day off and I though about spending it with my favorite brother in law.” She grinned.

“Brother in law? I’m not your brother in law. You and Kevin are not married and he is not even my brother.”

“I’m hurt.” Kaydee pouted jokingly bringing a hand to her hearth “You should consider yourself lucky to have a sister in law like me,” she added in a funny voice.
“You are such a clown.”

“Yes, but a beautiful clown,” she replied moving her head and waiving her chestnut hair in the air.

“How come you have a day off?”

“There are a lot of sick soldiers in my unit, so they just gave the rest of us two days’ leave. Isn’t it wonderful?”

“Sick?”

“Food poisoning or something. It seemed that the 3B dining hall is not a good place. Good thing that Kevin and I prefer to eat with you and your brothers in the east wing.”

“And how come Kevin is still there?”

“How do you know he is still there?”

“Because no matter how much you say you love me, I’m sure you would prefer to be with your boyfriend than with a 13 year old kid.”

She smiled.

“He has other things to do, remember that he is a Staff Sergeant now.” she admitted. “And I do love you sweetie,” she added giving him a kiss on the cheek showing what Alex would call the maternal side of her personality.

“So, do you need some help with that homework?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Of course I don’t mind but lets just go to your place. I hate these desks.”

“Okay let’s go.” They both walked to the door but suddenly Kaydee stopped.

“Hey, how about AJ?”

“AJ?”

“For you, as a nickname.”

“AJ” The boy repeated the name “Yes, I like it. It sounds cool.”

“Yeah, you are right. I need to come up with something else, that’s too cool for a geek like you,” she said laughing and putting an arm around his neck.

“Very funny.” He rolled his eyes.

~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~× ~ × ~ × ~


“She was like an older sister to me, Kev,” I told him opening my eyes after what seemed like hours. “She kept doing all these things for me and Nicky. With Nick sometimes she acted more like a mother but she allowed herself to be more childish in front of me.”

“And she told you about our plans to get married?”

“Yep”


~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~× ~ × ~ × ~

“Hey A! Where are you?” Kaydee shouted, entering one of Philippians’ hangars.

Fourteen year old AJ appeared all covered in grease behind a land vehicle he was trying to repair.

“Kaydee. You gave me the nickname AJ, then you gave me the nickname Jay and now you only used the first letter of my name.”

“Everyone calls you AJ now, or Jay. I don’t want to use the same names everyone uses. I want to use a special one because I’m special.”

“You are specially insane.” he joked.

“Hey, I’m offended” she frowned at him but the next minute she was smiling. “And what are you doing? You can’t repair things. You are going to leave this useless.”

“I’m not that bad!” he complained. “Okay, I am, but I’m just helping Rok and he left me instructions. Were you looking for me?” he asked sounding too high-pitched.

“Oh God, your voice is changing. That was hilarious.”

“Don’t laugh,” he whined.

“I won’t sweetie. Man you are so big now.” She sighed. “It seemed like yesterday that you were this tall. And here you are now, a handsome young man. Someday you are going to make a girl very happy.”

“Why are you talking like an old lady? You sound like Miss Reagan and you are 20 years old Kaydee. I hate when women see romance in everything.”

“Romance is everywhere, sweetie. And I’m talking like this because I’m excited. So excited that everything seems different today, everything seems brighter. You have no idea how happy I am, Alex. No, happy is not a good word. Man, there is not a word that describes what I’m feeling right now.”

He gave her a weird look.

“Kevin loves me!” listening the tone of her voice AJ had the feeling that she was going to start to jump up and down like a little girl.

“And you just realized that? He had been nuts about you for years.”

“No, I mean he really loves me.”

“Huh?”

“He gave me a ring. We are getting married Alex.”

“WHAT? Married? Kaydee, that’s wonderful. Let me give you a hug.”

“Thank you sweetie but low your voice” she told him looking around while he hugged her. “You can’t tell anybody. It’s a secret.”

“Why?”

“Things are getting very complicated now, Alex. We are losing too many battles and it’s not a secret that we are not going to resist too long. Some of the high rank officers don’t want soldiers starting families now. Kevin is not only the leader of my squadron, he is a First Sergeant, and we are afraid they could send me away, to another military station. That’s why I’m not wearing the ring but I will show it to you as soon as we get back. We are just waiting for a better moment to tell the news.”

“As soon as you get back? Back from where?”

“They are sending us to the Altamira system.”

~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~× ~ × ~ × ~


She never came back.

“It was my fault.” Kevin’s words brought me back to reality.

“No Kev, it wasn’t.”

“She shouldn’t have been there. They shouldn’t have been there.”

He was always taking responsibility for everyone. As leader of the squadron he probably had always blamed himself for the deaths of his men. I never knew what exactly happened the day Kaydence died, the only thing I knew was that he had died saving Stuart.

“Kevin, you have to stop doing this. Not everything is your responsibility.”

“She was.”

“Kaydee was a big girl, Kevin.”

“She was so stubborn, that’s what she was. She wasn’t supposed to be there.”

“It was her squadron too.”

“She wasn’t supposed to be there. They weren’t supposed to be there.”

“Kevin, all those women and men, they were adults, they chose to be there.”

“What?” he said looking at me confused and started to shake his head.

“God, AJ” he licked his lips before continuing “There’s something you don’t know Alex. Not even Howie know this and it’s killing me.”

“Kev…”

“She was pregnant.”

What?

“She was going to have a baby, my baby.”

“I...” I couldn’t articulate a single word.

“We found it out a week before going on battle.”

Oh God, Kaydee was pregnant?

“I asked her to stay at Philippians but she didn’t listen to me. And now I realize that part of me knew something was going to happen to her.” His voice was choked by sobs. “I just knew it. I never saw her in that fucking crystal, there’s no happiness for me there, nothing. The only thing I keep seeing in that damn thing is my own death.”

Please no. Tears were running down my face.

“Kev.”

He wiped his tears and stood up.

“I need to go. There are too much things to do. We need to leave this place tomorrow.” I noticed he was shaking and stood up immediately.

“Kevin, calm down.” I said pulling him back.

He turned to me, fell to his knees and burst into tears. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t do anything good.”

“Kevin, don’t say that, you know that isn't true." I kneeled down in front of him "Remember what you told me yesterday?” I asked putting my hands on his shoulders.

He looked at me confused.

“You told me there wasn’t anything mean in me. Don’t you see it.? Everything I am, it’s because of you. You were always there for me Kev. I could end up pretty fucked up... Man, I’m half Tracon. But you raised me to be what I am now. And look at Brian and Nick. Okay Brian was a jerk today but that never happens, he is the kindest guy in the universe, and Nicky is a pain in the ass but he is a great kid too.”

“You ARE amazing Alex.” He smiled although there were still tears in his eyes.

“I love you bro.”

“Man, when did you grow up?”

“You think I’ve grown up. Take a look at Nick. He is going to be taller than you, man.”

“I wasn’t talking about height, Alex.”

“I know.” I smiled “But he is not a kid anymore, Kev.”

He stood up and wiped his tears away.

“I understand what you are trying to say. I made a mistake, another mistake, trying to protect him.”

“Why don’t we just leave all this behind. A fresh start, no lies and just looking ahead to the future. After all that’s a pretty messy future waiting for us. How are we going to save anyone if we keep fighting?”

He nodded, fixed his eyes on the floor for a minute and then looked up smiling.

“I guess Nick is going to have a gun after all,” he said raising his eyebrows.

I laughed.

----
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