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A/N: I'm in the midst of combining some of my websites (at least my own writings) into this one, so you'll have the erm...joy?...of seeing some of my older stuff. This fic was written about 5 years ago (in the midst of my "Xander Angst" phase of writing.) This is quite probably the closest thing to a "romance" fic that I'll ever write.

It was inspired by a song called "I Will Hold On" by Moxy Fruvous, though the song isn't actually in the story anywhere, I mention that because I still maintain (though few people I know have actally ever heard of this song) that it kind of sums up my personal concept of romance. If you want the lyrics, they're posted at Fruvous.com. If you really want to hear the song, email me and I'll send you a copy.

Anyhoo, at the rate I'm going, the author's notes will be longer than this incredibly short fic.

Original A/N: For this to make sense, I just need to remind you about some stuff that happened way back in season one. Xander gave Buffy a bracelet with the words "Yours Always" inscribed on it waaaaaaay back before the claddaugh ring, before Buffy and Angel were a thing...way back in the episode "The Witch". As it turned out the bracelet was stolen by the witch, but to the best of my knowledge Xander (and possibly even Buffy herself) didn't know that as it was never ever mentioned after it disappeared. But that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone has forgotten about it...

She never wears the bracelet.

It's not a big deal or anything. I mean it was just a silly little bracelet, it's not like I thought it meant anything. She never gave me any indication that she wanted anything more than friendship--in fact she's said the opposite. And giving her a bracelet didn't make her mine no matter how much I'd wanted it to. It was just a simple id bracelet. With my heart attached. I meant what I'd had engraved on it. "Yours, Always". But of course then I'd gotten all nervous and said that it came on all those bracelets. Sure all of them that the person spends an extra $12 on to have the letters engraved. But it's not a big deal.

She didn't ask me to love her.

And it's not like I deserve her to love me back. I'm not sure I really deserve any one's love. I mean it's not like I've exactly been good in that myself. The problem is that I give away my heart way too easily.

Maybe that's not true. Maybe what I feel isn't really love. I mean you're supposed to love only one girl, right? And I haven't been able to choose just one. I mean, I love them all. No, not ALL of them, just Cordelia, Willow, and Buffy. Well, then there *was* Faith. That wasn't love exactly. While I knew at the time that we weren't in love and all, I guess I thought when we were together that we'd just work backward a little and we'd work on developing a relationship. Once again I was 100% wrong, but then I suppose I deserved that. It's not like she'd made me any promises, either. I guess it just surprised me that it meant nothing to her. It meant something to me, but…I guess that's beside the point. It wasn't love.

But the other three?

Maybe it's not love, but then that doesn't answer the question about why my breath catches any time any of them smile at me. And it doesn't answer why my heart pounds whenever they're close. Is it possible to honestly love more than one girl?

I think it is.

Of course I've realized that I love them all differently. I mean there's Willow. In a way she's my first love. I don't just mean how we dated when we were five, either. I've always loved her in a way that I'll never love anyone else. Except I'm still not sure how to define my love for her. It's not romantic love, exactly. Although I wouldn't rule that out. It's somehow different than that, though. I love her like a sister…well, no, not exactly like a sister because I'd never kiss a sister like that, and kissing her was *amazing*, so not like a sister. But…something closer. But then when we were together it was all wrong. Okay, not that we were ever *really* together. Maybe if timing had been different, or if there hadn't been Cordy and Oz, maybe things would have been different. Maybe we would have been together for the long haul. At the time I sort of thought we would be. Until Cordelia and Oz found out about us that is. But, Willow chose Oz, so that ended anything that might have been.

I'm not sure when I fell out of love with Cordelia. If in fact I did. I mean I think maybe I still love her, too. I know that you're supposed to be in love with only one person, so if I was in love Cordelia, why would I even *think* of kissing Willow? I know that's something I ask myself a lot. Not that I'm sorry about kissing Willow, well, except for the timing and everything. That, I regret. I didn't mean to hurt Cordelia. I really didn't. And I know that what I did had no excuse. If I hadn't been kissing Willow on the sidelines, Cordelia and I might have stood a chance. I didn't realize it then, but some time she had gone from tolerating me to actually *loving* me. I still have a hard time believing that. That Cordelia Chase could actually love me, Xander Harris? Buffy assures me it was true, though. That Cordelia herself said it. But of course she'd never told *me*. I honestly didn't know. I guess I still thought about all the time she'd been ashamed to be seen with me and all that. I guess I always thought she was still ashamed of me on some level. It never occurred to me that she really did love me. Not that that's an excuse or anything. I'm still the one who cheated. I'm still the one that screwed that relationship up. We might still be together if I hadn't blown it. But that doesn't change the fact that it's done with. And my heart still pounds when she walks into the room.

And then there's the one that I'll never have. The one who doesn't want my love. And yet she's the one that I would do *anything* for. I can't make her love me, well, unless I had another love spell cast, but believe me that'll never happen. And I wouldn't want it to. I want her to love me because she *really* loves me, not because of some outside force. But, of course, that'll never happen. She'll never love me.

She loves someone else. Someone who is just as unobtainable to her as she is to me. Except unlike me, she actually got a chance with her love.

I don't know which is worse. To have the chance and have it not work out, or to not have the chance. I can't lie and say that I'll miss him, or that I'm not glad that he's gone from my life. But I am sorry that he's gone from hers. I hate how miserable she is without him. I hate watching her go through the same pain that I feel, and I'd do anything to make that pain stop. Even if it meant having him stay and having to watch them be together.

But I know why he left her. And it wasn't for all the hurtful reasons I wish it were. It isn't because he doesn't love her. I believe he really does. I believe that's why he left. I believe he realized that his being here was making Buffy lose her edge. She had been willing to risk everything to save him, when she should have been more concerned about stopping the mayor and the ascension. Saving him could have killed her, and in the wake of that, the mayor would have been able to take control of the world. All because she loved him so much. And that hurts. But I know how she feels.

I would do the same for her.

In a heartbeat.

I'd known the score when we went down into the master's layer to save her that night. So had Angel, and he hadn't wanted to go. I'd had to practically hijack him to go save her life.

And still, he's the one she wants.

I guess you really can't choose who you fall in love with. And I've learned to accept that.

I have to.

She never wears the bracelet.