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Chapter 18

Nick had only been there for an hour, but it was the longest hour of his life. Millions of thoughts had gone through his mind as remained curled up into a ball on the bed. If he hadn't messed up like he had, he could be spending time with his son right now. He could be at his own house, in his own bed. That's not how things really were. He was lost in a world that he feared he could never escape. It had taken completely over him and there wasn't enough strength left in him to conquer it.

Nick pulled his arms tighter around his legs, as though he felt it brought him some sort of protection. He'd stopped crying long ago only because he had run out of tears. Crying had been a way of life for him. No matter what he did, he couldn't stop it from happening. His emotions were overwhleming and took control of his senses and mind. There was nothing that he could do to control it. It had gone too far. No one knew what he was going through. They hadn't been in his shoes for the past six months. There was no way that they could feel his pain; his loss.

He forced himself to take another shaky breath as he continued to keep himself balled up. Nothing could touch him right now. No one was around. The second someone came in, all of his security would vanish. He could already feel the pair of eyes that would be staring at him. Picking him apart and tearing down the wall he built. He would be completely vulnerable. Open to all sorts of pain.

He hated himself for not asking Brian to come with him. Maybe that way there would be someone there that knew how to comfort him. Talk to him and tell him that things were going to be okay. Though he had blown up at Brian for saying that to him in the first place, it did give him some kind of hope. It told him that someone else believed in him which gave him the courage to go on. Nick had to remember to call Brian and thank him for doing what he did. He'd probably be a lot worse off if Brian hadn't been around to protect him like he had.

Everyone was just trying to help him but he was making it almost impossible to let anyone inside of his heart and let them know what he was feeling. That was the last thing that Nick wanted. He didn't want the whole world to know the immence pain that he had been dealing with. He didn't want to pick up the paper one day and read endless criticism about his emotions. Most of all, the didn't want to give the impression that he was weak. Nick knew he wasn't weak, just hurt. Reporters would have just exploided him and he was sure of that.

Just wait until they find out about this one, he thought to himself as he gripped tighter to his legs. So many lies are going to come out of this. He just hoped that Tyler wasn't brought into any of it. He had nothing to do with what was going on and the press should just leave him out of it. What are the odds on that though? If Nick had learned anything being in this business, it's that people will sink to all sorts of lows for a story.

Never was the persons feelings considered when they are being brought down in paper after paper. The only thing that they can do is try and act like it doesn't effect them. Act like it doesn't matter to them, that they don't care about what people think. Nick shut his eyes tighter when he heard the door to his room open. Go away, leave me alone his mind yelled as he heard the approaching footsteps. Fear and sadness washed over him. Regret started to slowly seep into his system. Though he knew he was in the right place, he didn't want to be there. Things were going to be too hard. He wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Mr. Carter," the doctor said softly, unaware that Nick was awake. Nick sighed as he bit down on his lip. He was going to have to face the doctor sometime. Why fight it since he was here now.

"Yeah.." Nick answered, his voice dry and weak. His eyes blood shot and tearstained cheeks were completely visable. Not that Nick would have been able to hide it if he wanted to or had the energy to.

"How are we feeling this morning Mr. Carter?" the doctor asked as he took a seat on a chair by Nicks bed. Nick sniffled and turned to face the doctor.

"Lost," Nick answered honestly as he looked up at the doctor.

"Why's that?"

"I don't know," Nick answered a moment later. "It just seems like I've lost complete control over my life. Everything just seems to go wrong."

"You do know that no one ever lives a perfect life. Hardships are everywhere these days," the doctor told him. Nick sighed.

"Yeah, I realize that, but I don't think most people go through what I've gone through."

"So why don't you tell me what you've gone through so that I can help you." Nick glared at the doctor hesitatnly. He didn't want to reveal his deepest darkest secrets to anyone let alone some doctor that he had just met seconds ago.

"I've been through a lot of things. The group that I'm in.... they.. we've been through a lot and that's really all that I've ever known," Nick stated reluctantly. "It's hard growing up in the spot light, never having any privacy. Always having to wonder whether someone likes me because of who I am or the person who I really am is hard. Not knowing who I can trust and who I can't. Losing the one woman that loved me through it all... that... when that happened, a part of me died too." Nick stopped and looked at the doctor. After a few moments had passed, Nick continued. "Erika was everything to me. She was the only woman that had come into my life that loved me through it all. She made me feel complete. When I was with her, I knew I had found the woman for me. She'd even given me a son. I can't tell you how much I love Tyler.. he's.... he's everything to me. When she died that night, I knew that nothing would ever be the same again."

"Tell me what happened that night, Nick," the doctor urged. Nick nervously looked at the doctor. He never wanted to relive that night again. It was by far the worst night of his life and always would be.

"I... I can't," Nick replied with a lone tear rolling down his cheek.

"You're going to have to tell me so that I can help you deal with it Nick. If you just hold it inside, you'll never get over it. So please, will you tell me what happened that night."

"I was taking her out," Nick started after he was able to regain some control over his tears. "Brian, one of my best friends, was looking after Tyler for us so that we could have a night out. Erika didn't want to go out. She just wanted to stay home, but I wasn't having that. Finally, she agreed to go out. I was so excited. I had been planning this night for weeks. I'd rented a beach so that we could be alone. When we got there I was going to ask her to marry me. But on the way there.... this car..it was moving really fast. I didn't know what to do so I tried to pull over," Nick explained with tears building in his eyes. "It all happened so fast. I remember hearing this loud crash. I knew he had hit the car. Erika screamed. Then our car was rolling down the side of some hill and the next thing I remember is waking up to call 911. When we got to the hospital, they had told me she died."

"And you blame yourself for what happened that night, don't you?" the doctor questioned. Tears started to rapidly pour from Nicks eyes as he nodded in responce. "Nick you do realize that you in no way what-so-ever had anything to do with her death?"

"If we had just stayed home..."

"How could you have known that something was going to happen. You had no way of knowing that someone terrible was going to occur. For all you knew it was a night just like any others. Erika's death is not your fault."

"If that's the truth, then why can't I convince my heart that what you're saying is true?"

"Because you miss her and you want some sort of justification. By constantly telling yourself that you were the one that caused her death, you feel as if you have almost lost the sence of what really happened. Nick, the driver of that other car killed Eika. He was the one that was driving recklessly. You and Erika were just innocent people who happened to cross his path."

"Why of all nights, did this guy happen to go out and do what he did? Why the night I was taking her out?"

"Nick, we don't know what was going on in that other mans life. There's a good chance that he was just being stupid, intoxicated himself and thought he was well enough to drive. Or he could have been facing a lot of hardships in his life and had no intention on hurting anyone."

"Yeah well whatever his reason for doing what he did was, doesn't matter to me because Erika is gone because of him," Nick stated. "And I don't think that you should be making up excuses for him. No matter what was going on he shouldn't have done that."

"That's right Nick. What happened that night was due to the driver of the other car. It wasn't you and now I think you're starting to believe that."