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“The meeting of a soulmate”

Looking through the scrap book I found several pics of me and the guys, all but Brian. He hadn’t come into the picture yet so to speak and instead there were these other three guys; Keith, Sam and Gary. They were kind of cool but I think they got off wrong with Lou since he dumped them after a while. The formal reason was that Keith wanted to continue studying and Gary wanted to spend more time with the family. Sam on the other hand got pissed with them all and he left his singing carrier too. When I have met them on the street a thought have sometimes crossed my mind and that is if they have ever regretted their choice. From what I’ve hard off they have all went down different paths and maybe that is what life is all about. Taking chances and going down different roads.

Kevin was the next to join the band and I still remember the first I met him. At first I thought he was kind of boring and too serious. I guess that was because he was so much older than me and to him I was nothing but an annoying little shit! These first impressions I have come to re-think many times in the past and now more than eleven years later I think he is one of the greatest guys in the world. He has been there for me when I had a though time and he is also the one that I could lean against, through thick and thin, when things have been rocky. It’s no exaggeration when I tell you that he’s been like a big brother to me, yes even a father sometimes.

I love all of the guys. AJ is like my two years older brother that I can have lots of fun with. He takes me to wild parties and if it wasn’t for him I would be pretty uncertain about life. Howie on the other hand is like my second dad, or should I say mom since he has a great streak of comfort over him and whenever there is something bothering me he has been there for me, and it isn’t for nothing that he got the nickname Sweet D!

But no matter what the one that is closest to my heart is Brian. He has been my best buddy/slash brother since the day he walked into my life. We’ve had our ups and downs but never that bad that we couldn’t talk about it. At least on a later occasion. He is the one that I can both have fun to and talk serious with. He is my soul mate.

That was the sweet introduction to my so called Backstreet family. No wonder I turned up so screwed! *insert the laugh here* Ok they are not really my family but they are in a way closer to me than mom and dad ever will be.

************************************************flashback***************************************************

I was late. Very late for the rehearsal and for once it wasn’t my fault. The twins; Aaron and Angel didn’t have a babysitter and mom was totally stressed out. Dad was out on a one time job with the truck and no one had the time to take me to Orlando where the guys would practice. It was an hour’s drive away, maybe more today since it was spring holiday and lots of families went to Disney world.

“Nick we’re really late,” mom said as she rushed past me with a pile of clothes in her arms. Since Bobbie Jean wasn’t at home and Lesley was sick with a cold she had to take the twins with her to the drive up to Orlando. I felt really bad for this, especially when I noticed how stressed out she looked. Wanting to help her out I suggested that I could skip out of practice. At least for today and that it would mean that she didn’t need to stress so much.

For a few moments there was a flash of relief in her eyes, but then her posture changed and her face was clouded with worry. “No.” She shook her head. “We can’t do that. I promised Lou to take you every day to rehearsal and it’s really important that you follow that deal since Mr Pearlman has invested money in you, especially since you are in the very start of your success.”

I nodded. She was right.. I couldn’t afford skipping out of practice but that part about the success was kind of farfetched. So far we hadn’t done any real gigs, only played at some sports events and at a couple of bars. Since I was severally underage we weren’t allowed to play where they sold alcohol and I bet that Lou paid the owner some bucks so we could perform there. Now however Lou had a new gig coming up that he was very secretive about.

Even tough she had a point I felt it was important to state that I could still skip out of practice if that would ease the situation a bit. “But mom I don’t think that anyone would notice,” I started when a loud bang and then a scream was coming from the living room.

“Oh God what did the twins do now?” Mom yelled as she dropped what she held in her hands and then rushed to the living room area. I followed too, curious to see what my siblings had destroyed this time. Luckily it was only a vase with flowers that had felled down from the table and was lying on the rug. Both Aaron and Angel was sitting there, looking like innocent angels. The tension my mom felt caused her to react more harshly and she rushed up to my little brother and shook his arm. “Aaron what did you do this time?” she yelled.

“I didn’t do anything. It was Angel,” the five year old cried.

“It was not,” Angel cried and then ran to my mom who got upset that her little baby girl was crying. “Don’t lie to me!” Mom growled as she lectured up my little brother. Feeling bad for this I turned to my little brother’s defence.

“Mom it was only a small accident.” I took the crying Aaron into my arms and tried to comfort him tried to wipe the mess off the rug. When my little brother stopped crying I went back to eating up my bowl of cereal which was kind of soaked by this time. Somehow this very stressful situation had punctuated all the air out of me and I wasn’t feeling up to par to go to the rehearsal.

To be honest that wasn’t the only reason for the lack of interest I showed. Ever since I started in the group I felt a bit left out. Both Kevin and Howie were years older than me, being 22 and 20 years old. AJ on the other hand was only fifteen and even though there wasn’t much age difference we didn’t seem to have too much in common. AJ seemed to know half of Orlando since he lived in Kissimmee and when he was in the group he mostly hung out with the other guys. Especially Howie and that left me pretty much alone. Being the odd part in the group.

I also know that the rest of the guys mostly thought I was a hyper immature kid and that notion made me drag my feet along. This had mom being even more upset then before.

“Nick,” she said firmly. “Here I’m nearly stressing myself to death to be able to take you to Orlando and all you do is sit here. Stalling.” Mom was visible angry as she basked me out for not being grateful enough for the opportunity they (she, Lou and dad) had provided for me.

“I’m not stalling,” I started then stopped myself. If there were one thing my mom disliked it was when people was disobeying her and being the rowdy teen that I am it’s sometimes not that easy for her. She gave me an annoyed look.

“Nick what are you doing? You’re not spacing out again are you?” “No.” I shook my head. “Just thinking.”

A snort could be heard. “We don’t have time for that and we’re already more than an hour late and it’s going to be just as much traffic as I am guessing it will be we have to get going now.”

I nodded but made no move to stand. “Didn’t I tell you to hurry up?” She hurried past me again before I had a chance to answer.

“Don’t mind her,” Aaron said as he wrapped his small arms around my neck. “She is just tired.” Looking at the small kid that was trying to comfort me I couldn’t help to take notice that he could be so mature at times. Much more mature than any five year old should be.

Mom ran past again. Always on the run. “Are you guys ready to go then?” She was holding the twins jackets in her hands and I nodded in response. “Sure.” There was no use in trying to talk her out of the situation. When we went to the car she chirped all the way to Orlando and gone was the irritation that she had felt earlier on. That’s my mom. One minute irritated, the next laughing. Lots of emotions there.

I wasn’t just as cheerful. Maybe because of the fact that my best friend Brent had gone to a spring camp for basketball. The very same camp that I wanted to attend too but couldn’t for obvious reasons. On top of everything it was hot in the car and I was starting to feel a bit carsick but when I wanted to open the window mom told me to shut it since it could become drafty for the twins.

Sullenly I did as she told me since I didn’t want to upset her any further. When the ride had been in silence for a while mom asked me, “Nick isn’t it today that new boy from Kentucky is coming to you? Kevin’s cousin wasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, not sounding very happy at all. A new guy in the band was the last thing I needed right now. Another boy that would make me feels out of place. The mere thought of having to bear with a copy of Kevin, after all he was this guy’s cousin, made me feel nauseous and maybe this was the reason my stomach was doing flip flops right now.

“You don’t sound too anxious,” My mom took noticed as she drove the car. I shrugged my shoulders in response since she was right on that point.

“How come Nick?”

“I don’t know.” Today I wasn’t being very talkative. Maybe it was the fact that I was feeling kind of nervous about the new situation that I was in for or that the morning didn’t start out all that great, in any case I just wanted her to turn the car around so I could go back home again . In any case I just wanted her to turn the car around so I could go back again, but she did no such thing.

“Don’t be silly Nick,” she said when I told her my suggestion. “We can’t go back besides isn’t this what you’ve always wanted? To be able to sing and dance?” When my only response was to continue look out of the window she asked, “You don’t like it in this group? Are they not nice to you?” She went on asking questions but I didn’t answer a single one of them properly, mainly because I was being moody and didn’t feel like talking at all. Living in the Carter household can sometimes do that to you.

Finally she was reaching her limit. “Nick what is it now?” I was waiting for a bashing session when she turned to me, worry in her eyes. Maybe it was the fact that she cared that made me open my mouth to tell her how lost I felt in the group and that there were no one in my age that I could relate to when the twins started to fight in the backseat.

“Aaron, Angel stop it at once!” My mother yelled and my confession was drowned out from the sound of my siblings fighting.

“Mom..Aaron is hitting me,” Angel yelled while Aaron yelled back, “She is the one that started.” It went on like this for a period of time until mom had enough. Stepping on her breaks she yelled, “That’s it!” before serving the car towards an exit sign. When we reached the first avaible pit stop she threw her door open and jumped out off the car. After scolding my siblings about their behaviour she gave them, me, the verdict; “Nick you sit in between these rascals. Make sure that they don’t fight!”

“Me?”

“Yes you.” Mom was shaking with anger and the stress she was living under was becoming visible.

“But..but,” I was trying to object since the prospect of having to sit in a warm car in between two screaming kids was not something I was looking forward too. Mom however obviously thought it would be the best solution and she bashed me. “Nick! Don’t you ever do as I’m telling you?” Seeing the hurt in my eyes she calmed down a knot as she ran her hand through her hair in a tired gesture. “Honey, can’t you do as I tell you? Just for once in your life?”

That was unfair. I was too doing as she told me. Wasn’t I the one that would be coped up with rehearsal all weekend while my friends were out there playing basketball and having fun? I opened my mouth to tell her that I was to listening and doing what she wanted to when she gave me this tired look that told me that there were something more besides that I was bothering her. As a matter of fact I knew so she didn’t have to tell me. Money, Bills and Mortage.

I sighed. No matter how much I loved performing and wanted to be a part of the Backstreet Boys I thought it was a hassle too. It was hard business having to drive everyday to Orlando and even though mom and dad said it was ok I still knew that it was a bit too much for them too. The gas costs money and we’re not rich at all. Mom is working part time at an old folk’s home and dad is still unemployed since he had to quit his job when his stomach said stop. I’ve overheard them talking how upset they are over the money situation and whenever I mention about the lack of money my parents just shake their heads and say, “Don’t you worry baby. It’s going to work out just fine. You see.”

It didn’t help much that last night I overheard a conversation late at night between my mom and dad where they were talking about money, or the lack of it.” When Nick will make it in the show business you see that thing’s will become so much easier for us,” my mom said at one point and upon hearing those words I got a knot in my stomach. In a weird sense this meant that the burden lay upon me that I had to succeed so they could pay their bills. Maybe the lack of money was the main reason for mom to press my talent on people and maybe I would succeed one day. Then maybe not.

Since I’ve never liked fighting that much, even though I have some temper, I did as she told me and stuffed myself into the backseat between my shouting younger siblings. With a threatening voice and gesture, bailed my fist, I told them that they better shut up or I would make sure that they had to pay. Ok, they probably both knew that it was just words and no such actions would never occur, but I had to practice the right of being a big brother so they knew who was making the rules. Luckily for me the ride went pretty fast since the heat in the car was making me paler and paler as times passed. You can guess that I was more than happy when we finally drove up to the small rehearsal studio and I was freed from both my mom and the twins.

Quickly I ran to the door and as I was trying to come up with good possible explanations to why I was late to this rehearsal I knocked on the door. As always I expected to be met with a second scolding from Mr Pearlman for being late but to my surprise no such thing happened and instead an unknown boy with the bluest eyes that I had ever seen opened the door.

Stunned over this I stuttered. “Who…who are you?”

“Hi,” the guy responded with a thick southern drawl. “I’m Brian or you can call me B’rock.” He looked at me. “You most be Nick?” He reached out his hand too greet which I accepted a bit hesitatingly.

“So I see that you have already met my cousin.” Kevin said as he came up to the door.

I nodded. There were something different over Kevin too since he placed his arm around Brian’s shoulder. “This is Nick,” he said. “He’s the baby in the group.”

“We’ve already met.” Brian smiled towards me and I fidget a bit nervously. Kevin on the other hand set his eyes in me. “You’re late Nick.”

“Yeah..uh..” I started when Brian cut him short.

“And you’re the one to talk,” he said with a laugh. Turning to me he added, “Kevin is always late. If you haven’t notice.”

“Um..Ok.” I waited for the older boy to lash out instead he laughed and said something about that we had to get going since Mr Pearlman was waiting for us. He has something important to tell us. “

I nodded again. Feeling like a jerk. Brian noticed this too but he said causally, “Rough morning?”

Normally I would have snapped at anyone that had a nerve to comment on my family life but something about this guy made me glitz on my life for a second. I nodded. God Brian most has thought I was either mute or dumb.

“That’s ok.” Brian smiled. “I had a pretty rough morning my self. Flying from Lexington you know. Noticing my confused expression he added with a casual smile. “I’m afraid of heights.”

“Oh..ok.” Me, I had never flown in an airplane even though my relatives were from Jamestown New York. Since we were such a large family we often travelled by car instead. I stared at him. Was this guy actually admitting that he was afraid of something and not acting embarrassed about it? Usually that was my table. He was different then the other guys. So much different from AJ who was street smart all the time and Howie who was the silent type that rarely spoke unless he had something important to say. Much more different then the serious Kevin.

“And I guess it didn’t help that I’m kind of nervous coming here too.” Noticing my surprised expression he said with a laugh, “You know I had no idea what bunch of guys you would be even though Kevin spoke well about you all”.

This time my chin dropped to the floor. Was Brian nervous too? And had Kevin spoke well about us? Even about me who he clearly thought was a pain in the butt?”

“Come on let’s join the others and you can show me around the place.”

“Ok.” I lightened up. This guy acted genuinely interested in being with me and didn’t cat like I was some kind of burden. Before the day was over I had made up my mind. I really liked this guy.


**************************************************Nick******************************************************

These photos really made me laugh. We had some great times and after doing that promo shoot for a bunch of talent scouts over at Mercury records in North Carolina things started to happen. Even though it’s like 12 years or more it still feels like it happened yesterday…

***********************************************flashback*****************************************************

“Carter get your ass moving,” Alexander yelled as he was waiting for me to come out from the bathroom. I was in there doing my last check up over my hair since we were supposed to do our first promo shoot in front of an audience and to tell you that I wasn’t nervous would be lying.

I had brushed my teeth for what seemed like the umpteenth time that day. It’s a habit I do when I get nervous for something. That and licking my lips. Alex used to say that it’s gayish but I don’t care since that’s just me.

“Come on Nicky and stop jerking off,” he yelled as he banged on the door again.

Patience, patience. I was about to tell my friend off when I heard Brian’s voice on the other side of the door talking to Alex. “Gee leave him alone. He’ll come out when his done.”

“His been in there for like an hour.” AJ complained. “For what he’s probably doing he only need seconds. What the hell is the kid doing in there?” Another bang on the door.

This comment had me mad. I hadn’t been in there for that long, that I knew, and If my mouth hadn’t been so full with Crest I would have made a sneer remark back. Instead I had to spit.

AJ whined, “I gotta use the bathroom.” It sounded urgent.

“Use the trashcan then.”

I laughed. That was so Brian. Always coming up with fast remarks but most of all sticking with me. Backing me up. There was a miserable grunt and then I heard AJ and Brian leave the room. With a sigh I looked at myself in the mirror only to take notice of a few hairs that were sticking up on my head and was the reason why I had spent so much time in the bathroom. I needed to look perfect to this shoot and the more I put foam in it the greasier it became. What a mess!

Another knock. This time from Howie. “You ok in there Nick?”

What was this? Were they all coming to check up on me? How embarrassing. “Yeah.” I mumbled, spitting the tooth paste out of my mouth. “I’ll be out in a sec.”

“’k.

“You don’t have to wait.” I was still panicking over my appearance.

“No it’s Ok.” Howie waited patiently. He always did.

Once I had managed to get my hair to lay down I opened the door. “It’s all yours” I said with an inviting gesture.

“Nah that’s ok.” Howie smiled at me. “It’s you that we’re waiting for. You were taking so long that I was starting to wonder if you were all right.” He looked me over. “Nervous?” I shook my head. “No.” I’m such a bad liar.

He looked me over again and said with a gentle tone. “You know Nick it’s ok to be nervous.”

“But I’m not!

“Yeah right! You’re so nervous that you’re about to crap your pants” Alexander had come back.

I glared at him. “Didn’t you use that trashcan?”

“You’re a little prick..” Alex was about to lash out at me when Howie stopped him. “And you’re the one that should talk since you’ve been running to the bathroom all morning.

I laughed. Howie really knew what to say in the right time. A snort could be heard and then Alexander slammed the door shut. When he was out of view Howie came up to me again. “ Nick we’re all nervous. It’s ok to be nervous.”

I rolled my eyes. There it was again. That psychological talk. Still it felt kind of comforting and I found myself asking in a worried tone. “What if we mess up? Sing the wrong lyrics or something?” I was more nervous about this then I ever let on.

“We won’t!” Howie said reassuringly when I heard Alex yell from the other side, “No we won’t but you will Nicky!”

That comment made me feel even more insecure even though Howie said in a whispering tone, “Don’t mind him. He’s a bunch of nerves right now.”

I nodded but I still felt worried. “What if they don’t like us?”

“They will.” Howie smiled gently towards me. “It will go just fine you’ll see Nicky.”

“Yes but what if..” I knew that I can be such a worrier but I can’t help it. This was what I wanted and I wanted it so bad. All the doubts I had felt earlier when I didn’t want to go to rehearsal were gone. I think it was when Brian came into the band, a few months back, that it changed and now all I want to do is to perform with these guys. My friends.

Ever since Brian came into the picture we had rehearsed every day and we’ve only done a few gigs here and there. Mostly at sports events and at dinner parties. It was fun and even though it was often early mornings and late nights I didn’t mind. Luckily it had been during my summer vacation and it gave me more freedom. Now when it was nearing it’s end I knew that it would be a whole different story since I still had to continue with school. It would be hard work, still I didn’t care; I was living the time of my life with these guys.

The only downside was that I didn’t get to see Brent and those other guys when I was practicing so much and those days we had off I mostly spent sleeping since dancing and singing made me pretty tired.

Mom as well as my dad was there to encourage me and I think that mom mostly was very proud what her son had accomplished, especially after that contract that we got with Mercury records. It wasn’t a good deal, that I can say but it was something and people in the business were starting to get their eyes up for us.

Today however we were going to make a promo video for this big record company called JIVE that Mr Pearlman had told us about. It was very important that it would be great result since they would send the tape to New York and hopefully they would like what they saw and we would be able to sign a contract with them. Nerves were something that was haunting me all the time and that was what made me think that I would fail too.

“Don’t you worry Nicky.” Howie placed his arm around my shoulders. “We can’t do more than our best and if they don’t like us it’s their loss.” With that he added. “Come on let’s join Brian and Kevin.”

I still wasn’t satisfied with the answer and repeated nervously. “But what if…”

“There isn’t going to be an if.” AJ had come out of the bathroom and he was looking so much better. “Don’t worry Kaos.” ( That’s was my new nickname that the guys had given me since they thought that I was always so hyper and wherever I went there were chaos following me). “Let’s go kick some ass instead.”

Swallowing down my nerves as well as every last piece of doubt I had inside me I followed the guys and soon we were on the stage. To my relief all the tension, doubts and nervousness I’ve felt earlier was gone and I was enjoying my time up there. We did totally awesome on stage and the audience loved us. It was such a great feeling when Lou held his speech afterwards about how proud he was with us.

“That was one of the best performances I’ve ever seen you do,” he gushed. “You boys are going to sweep the whole world off their feet, just you wait and see.”

At that moment I felt so proud what I’ve accomplished and I would have loved mom to be there with me so I could share it with her. But thing’s were kind of rough in our household and mom had to work overtime and dad was on one of those truck jobs so therefore none of my parents could come with me.

“This pizza is on me!” Lou said as we were seated in the restaurant later on.

“Geee..great,” I blurted out since pizza was one of my favourite dishes and with that I ordered an extra large pepperoni pizza with lots of cheese and a large coke to go with that. Life was pretty good at that moment and we had a fun time talking about this and that. I was so full afterwards that all I wanted to do was to lie down and rest. Being on stage was taking a toll on my body and was in a way much more tiring then I had ever expected. When I was ten I used to dance all the time since I had so much energy and being thirteen I still do but I guess that the tension I felt had eased up and that was why I was feeling so tired.

“You sleepy Nick?” Brian asked when we were walking to the car after the dinner. We are going over to Lou’s house for an after party.

“A little,” I confessed as I hid a yawn behind the back of my hand. There were lots of late nights and even though I like being up I wouldn’t have anything against crawling up in a warm bed and sleep a few hours away.

“Me too.” Brian said and I tagged along with his steps. “You wanna go home?”

Yes. I wanted to say but instead I shook my head. “No, I’m fine.”

“You’re parents picking you up?”

I nodded. I had to wait until late hours before they had time to pick me up since mom was working evening and dad had a night shift.

A frown was etched on my friends face. “Isn’t that kind of late?”

I shrugged. What else could I do about it? Another yawn was on its way and this time I didn’t manage to hide it that successfully. Denise, Alexander’s mother noticed this too.

“I think someone is tired,” she said to Lou and it made me feel even more embarrassed. The grown up had a habit of talking about me like I was some kind of kid. Ok I was a kid but still…

“You know if you want I can call your parents and ask if you could stay the night over at my apartment?” Brian said before we entered the car.

I looked at my friend. Was he serious? When he made no move to show anything else I relaxed. Wow that would be so totally awesome. Brian, Kevin and Howie shared an apartment and I had stayed over their twice and it was my best experience ever. We snacked on pizza and popcorn, watched horror films and played video games. It sure rocked.

I was about to let out a scream of excitement when I stopped myself. Mom had told me that I had to come back home after the party since I was the one in charge to take care of the twins in the morning since my parents had to go to work early. Whining I had said that Bobbie Jean could do that just as well but then mom had responded that she couldn’t let an eleven year old take on that responsibility. But she could a thirteen year old! Realizing that there was no way she would let me stay over at Brian’s I let my head drop.

“I can’t.”

“You can’t?” Brian raised an eyebrow.

“No.” I shook my head, hoping that he would ask no further questions.

He did however. “Why not?”

“Mom told me that she would pick me up after the party was over”

“But that can be pretty late..” Brian objected and I could see the worry in his eyes.

“Well I’m not that tired.” I lied, knowing that I had to say something to get my friend off the topic. I really didn’t want the guys to know that the reason why I couldn’t sleep over was because I had to take care of the twins.

Brian laughed. “Sure you’re not. You can hardly keep your eyes open.”

Annoyed over that he was right I muttered, “I still can’t stay so just drop it. OK?” I was trying to act like I didn’t care but little did he know that I would have given about anything to stay at his place.

“If you don’t want to it’s ok.” Brian sighed as he opened the car door for me to get in. I felt like crying since it was like all the tension I had felt had made me feel like mush and the last thing I wanted to let the boys think was that I didn’t want to spend time with them. It was just that I had another life to live too; the one of being the oldest in the Carter household.

Once we were at Lou’s house I sat down on the sofa. The other guys were talking with the people that Lou had invited, me? I mostly sat there watching them. Gone was that kid that always had so much energy that he was compared to the Energizer Bunny and at that very moment all I wanted to do was to lay down for a few seconds of shut eye.

Suddenly I felt like there was not a chance that I could hold my eyes open and I rested my head against the speckled sofa. It felt so good to be in that environment since I could hear the sounds of the guys voices talking in the background and the warm feeling of having done a great performance was there too. In other words I contemplated if thing’s could get much better. Before long I felt my eyes get heavier and heavier and soon I was fast asleep.


*************************************************Nick*******************************************************

Man, these pictures were really bringing up memories and especially this photo of me and Brian lying on a sofa, sleeping. Little had I known that while I had fallen asleep Brian had sneaked up upon me and snuck up sleeping behind my back. The guys had even covered me up with a blanket and when I woke up hours later to the sound of my mom coming to get me all I felt was love and comfort. These guys were really my friends.