We sat in the bus on the eve of our last show of the little promo tour. Tired, sweaty and a mess of all different emotions, I took in what I saw. Most of us sick, some of us drained, but all of us excited about what was yet to come. AJ was biting at his nails as he sat listening to Brian drone on about golf. They were going to go out on the links tomorrow morning and of course Brian felt it necessary to give AJ all of the tips he had stored in his sports vault. Just like he did for me and basketball, I couldn’t help but think of Baylee who will be good at everything because his father is always eager to help everyone be their best.
The sound of girls chanting our names came from the alley where we were parked. I allowed myself to look at the crowd gathered out there waiting in hopeful anticipation for a shot of us, a quick hello or maybe a few hugs. The screams in the hall were almost deafening but yet music to our ears. The show has been over for about an hour but yet here they were, faithful and loving like always. How we ever took them for granted I’ll never know. I only hope we won’t make the same mistake twice. I wanted to go out there, we all did but we had places to be I guess so we were told no. I’ll make sure I wave though, to each and every one of them if I have to.
To my left is Howie on his cell phone talking to the girlfriend he always denies having. He’s telling her that in two days time he’ll be home for an entire week. An entire week? I think to myself, remembering when a week felt more like a day. From now on having a week off will be a blessing in disguise. He sees me looking over at him and shoots me a quick smile and a wink. I counter with a nod and a smirk.
I’m still sweaty and hot but now my body is slowly cooling down and hunger is starting to show its face. I used to eat like a pig after our shows when I was a kid. It was the misplaced energy, or as Kevin would say misspent energy. Now I am a little brighter when it comes to stuff like that and as much as I want to eat everything on the bus, I grab for an apple and a bottle of water.
Kevin makes his way towards the three of us holding his own bottle of water in his hand and a bag of mini pretzels, when he sees me and my apple he gives me one of those proud fatherly nods. I get a lot of those these days, it makes me feel good. He takes a seat next to me and gently taps my knee.
“Good show today.”
“Thanks, same to you.”
“I can’t believe it’s done. We made it huh?”
“Yup.”
The bus roars to live and we finally start to move, I can hear the disappointment in the crowd as we start to pass them by. We all move to the windows and wave as we pass out of site and away from our first US tour in 4 years.
“I think this went well,” AJ said walking away from the window and sitting down with one leg folded under him.
“I think so too.” Kevin grabbed a pretzel out of the small bag he held between his legs and chomped. I couldn’t resist, I moved my hand in there and took one, smiling at him as I shot it into my mouth.
He gave me a look but then quickly smiled and placed the bag between us. “So guys…any thoughts about what we all just did together?” He asked as finally he had all of our attention.
“I thought it was awesome and I wish it wasn’t over already.” AJ confessed eating some cold fries from his earlier trek to McDonalds.
“I was blown away by the fans.” Howie was always blown away by the fans. Some things never change.
“It felt good, like we never left,” Brian said smiling; I could tell he had a lot more thoughts in his head he wasn’t ready to share. Probably thoughts about his family and how awesome it was for his child to be there to see what his daddy does.
“What about you?” Kevin asked taking another pretzel and wiggling those brows at me. I laughed just like I did ever since I have known him. Those jiggly brows have always cracked me up.
What about me? Now that was a good question. How did I feel about all of this? At first terrified, knowing that when we first went out into the spotlight and did our first set of interviews, everyone was going to bombard me with those questions. The ones I have avoided successfully for months now.
I almost pleaded with them to let me stay behind, not do the press associated with this promo tour, but Kevin pulled me aside and said, “It’s okay little man.” I remember being overcome with emotion when he called me that. I thought I had long outgrown that nickname. I was happy I was wrong.
Anyway he said, “It’s okay little man, we have your back. Just answer the questions truthfully and don’t be embarrassed. You know you made some BIG mistakes but it’s all part of growing up dawg. It’s all good. You don’t have to prove yourself to anybody because if they don’t believe you then they don’t matter.” The others nodded when he said that but my eyes went directly to Brian. I needed his reassurance for some reason just like I did way back when I was Frack to his Frick.
He was expecting that, I could tell by the way he was watching me, just waiting for my eyes to meet his and when they did he nodded at me. That was all I needed to make it through.
True the first few interviews were rough. I even broke out into a sweat when I heard her name. But I never stammered or looked to the guys for answers, like I used to when I was young. I never wavered on my answers to even the hardest of questions and just like Kevin had told me to do, I didn’t seek out to prove myself, only to set the record straight and by the last interview I was ready for whatever they threw my way, also knowing that AJ or Kevin would speak up for me if I needed them to.
The shows weren’t as scary for me; I was looking forward to them. Being back on stage as a Backstreet Boy, one of five as opposed to all by myself. God the road was so lonely as one, I mean I had my band and I loved those guys but it just wasn’t the same. I was their leader, their boss if you will so no matter what there was also that feeling of superiority, even though I never intended it to be that way.
Being with the guys was just different. It felt like home. In fact, that first day on the road in this crowded little bus, I felt like I was at home for the first time in years. The guys were all laughing about the lack of space and how by the time we reached Virginia one of us was going to kill the others, but I wasn’t laughing or kidding around. I was emotional as we all sat in our little recreation area in the back on that first night.
They thought I was being moody, they had no idea. For me it was the first night I felt like me again, safe and part of a family. Corny I know but true. I’m not sure how I managed being away from them as long as I did and now I can barely even remember why I felt the need to flee in the first place.
I’m sure if we went down the line even now we’d have trouble pinpointing exactly what it was that caused this hiatus. We were so sick to death of each other. How did I ever hate these guys? Why did I? I know I did I’m sure of it, but for some reason anything that might have happened or any hurtful comment which might have been made just disappeared when we all saw each other again.
We were back.
That first night in New York when we arrived to sound check and saw those people camped out in tents, we all looked at each other and smiled. Any fears we had leading up to that moment vanished in an instant.
“Well?”
I looked up seeing four sets of eyes staring at me and I laughed when I realized that I had fallen into a daydream.
“Oh sorry…” They all laughed and AJ reached over and hit me on the head.
“Does that thing still work or do we have to send out for a new one?”
“I was just trying to think of the perfect answer to Kev’s question.”
“Sure you were.” They all knew me so well.
“I think this tour rocked my socks off.”
“Wow we waited for that?” I stuck my tongue out at Howie as once again everyone laughed.
“I just wanted to say thanks guys, for being there for me and sitting through all the questions about my stupid life.”
“Hey how many times did you have to hear me explain why I enjoyed being a father?”
“That’s a little better than did you hit Paris? Why did you drink and drive?”
“Nicky, it’s all good and for the record can I just say I was proud of the way you answered those questions.”
“Thanks D.” Just like Kevin, Howie always was quick to give me one of those fatherly nods or words of encouragement.
“What are we going to do for our anniversary?” AJ asked breaking the moment Howie and I were having.
“You make us sound like an old married couple Jay.”
“I just think we should do something special, I mean 12 years you know?”
“I think we should go to Disneyland.” We all looked over at Brian.
“Why?”
“Why not?”
“You just want an excuse to bring the family.”
“I think whatever we do it should just be the five of us.” I really did feel strongly about that. It was just the five of us 12 years ago. It seemed fitting if it was only us that celebrated. Don’t get me wrong. I love Kristin and Baylee and everyone else but I just wanted the boys to myself.
Okay sometimes I was still that 12 year old kid.
I could tell Brian was a little put off by my comment but, he also understood. “So what is your idea then Nick?”
“I don’t really have one. I just think we should be together.”
“Maybe we can hang out at my place, rent a few movies, and order pizza, just like the old days.”
“That sounds like a great idea AJ, I could bring over some of my home movies from back in the day.”
“Good Lord… remember how you always used to carry around that stupid camcorder?” Kevin gave one of his trademark looks at AJ.
“Charlie!” Brian and I said at the same time. We had nicknamed Kevin’s camcorder Charlie, the 6th and most annoying Backstreet Boy.
“Leave Charlie alone, he had some good times out on the road with us.”
“I don’t think I have ever seen even half of what you recorded Kev,” I admitted taking the last pretzel from the bag and offering it to him before putting it in my mouth.
“I have some great moments caught on tape. Our very first rehearsal at Lou’s, Nick you looked like you were five years old I swear. AJ you were wearing the biggest pair of hoop earrings I have ever seen and Howie you looked like this tiny little geeky kid. Brian wasn’t even with us yet.”
“Wow, that’s the day you told Lou about your cousin though if I remember correctly.” I looked over at Howie not really remembering this scene in time they were talking about. I wish I had paid more attention to things back then.
“Yup, I told him about Brian and then convinced him to let me give him a call.”
“And the rest gentlemen, is history!” Brian added in a very corny Walter Cronkite voice.
“I also have a video of me coming to pick you up at the airport with Howie, remember that D?”
“How can I forget? We got a speeding ticket.” Brian laughed as AJ and I looked at each other feeling left out.
“I’ll never forget the first time we met Nick.” My eyes went over to Brian, excited about what he was going to say.
“I just got the biggest kick out of you; you were so tiny and moldable.”
“Moldable?”
“Yes”
“I thought you were cool even though I could barely understand one word you were saying in your Kentucky Fried voice.” I giggled and he threw a towel at me.
“Nice, I forgot about that lovely nickname.”
“I thought so.”
“You know I think I made Kris watch these videos with me one night when I missed you guys.” Kevin interrupted.
Kevin was so sappy sometimes, I can totally picture him forcing his wife to sit and watch video of us singing and dancing as he looked on probably with a tear in his eye. He’s definitely going to be the type of guy that forces his children’s girlfriends or boyfriends to sit through slide shows of boring vacations.
“Aw Kevin missed us…that’s so cute Kevy.” AJ said in his gay voice which had us all laughing while Kevin stuck his middle finger up in the air.
“Are we ready to do this all over again? The days on end without a break? The rehearsing until our legs are ready to fall off? The interviews, the touring, the being away from home?”
We all looked at each other as Kevin continued, “I mean this small tour had us all getting sick and exhausted and this is only the beginning...”
“I’ve never felt more ready in my life.” AJ answered without hesitation, “This is the best I have ever felt.”
“I agree, I’m ready for the long haul.” Howie said.
“Bring it on,” Brian added and once again all eyes were on me.
Flashes of memory with us having this same conversation before each big turning point in our lives circled around my head. We were always filled with adrenaline and fear, every time. This time it was different though, it was something more.
Longing, that’s the word I was looking for. Before it was something we were required to do, even if we felt we weren’t ready. This time there was a need behind it all. Maybe it took us 12 years to figure out that we wouldn’t want to be doing anything else.
I lifted my bottled water and held it in the air, “Here’s a toast to our lives,” I said and they all clinked their bottles with mine. Laughing at the slushy sound they made.
We have been through so much together, and yet as we sit here on the bus after being together for 12 years, it only feels like the beginning.
The prologue to a brand new story chock full of twists and turns.
I can’t wait to see what the future holds…
