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Chapter 22 – Shielded in the Darkness

Nicola ventured to her living room while everyone finished eating lunch. She was aching to know what was inside the delicately wrapped box. She sat down on the couch, staring at the box as if it contained her life. Using her good arm, she delicately unwrapped the purple bow surrounding the black box and popped open the top. Inside the black velvet box was a silver necklace with a moon crescent pendant. Embedded within the moon were tiny slivers of emeralds, matching the exact color of Nicola’s eyes. Gently, she lifted the necklace out of the box as a piece of paper fluttered onto her lap. She felt her eyes prickle with tears at the accompanying note:

Thank God you were shining down on me when the day was dark,
Love, Howie.

“Nicola! What do you want me to do with Lucy’s lunch? Put it in the fridge?” Marie called, walking into the living room. She had been trying to get her daughter’s attention for the past five minutes. She gave an exasperated sigh when she looked upon her daughter. “Nicola Grace, what should I do with Lucy’s lunch?”

Nicola’s eyes blinked rapidly as she concentrated on her mother for a moment. “Lucy? Oh, the fridge is fine, Momma. She’ll eat later since she’s still napping… Oh! God! Thank goodness she was sleeping when all this happened! What a mess that would have been!”

“Excuse me?” Marie faltered.

“I’m happy that Lucy was sleeping when Howie—”

“He has no idea that you have a daughter,” Marie interrupted with a chiding tone. She sat down beside her eldest, staring in wonder. Usually, Nicola always bragged about Lucy to anyone who would listen. Although, despite the change in Nicola’s behavior, Marie could have seen this coming from a mile away. It was as if Marie could read Nicola’s mind at times.

“No, he doesn’t,” Nicola answered with hesitation.

“So, if he doesn’t know about Lucy, then he doesn’t know that you were married?”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Or why you keep your job at Dr. Jacobs’ clinic, despite the talent you have to open up your clinic—”

“Momma! You know I don’t have the money to do something like that—”

“Yes, I know, but you’re also scared—”

“Momma, don’t—”

“Because you believe that—”

“Momma! Stop!”

“Trevor’s death is your fault,” Marie finished.

Nicola fell deathly silent, just staring at her mother. Unshed tears began to gather at the corners of her dark emerald eyes. She held her hand to her mouth, trying to keep the sobs from rattling. She had buried the unpleasant memories of her husband’s death so long ago. She always feared dredging up the past. She feared that she might never regain her composure if his name was spoken. Nicola wanted to run, but she felt so numb. She feared that her mother might chase her till she spoke. Her mother wanted Nicola to open and exposed the old festering wounds for the final time.

“Oh, Nic, you never got to properly grieve, because Lucy was born just after the funeral. I wanted so badly to believe that you would be okay. I wanted that so bad that I suppose I made myself believe you were okay. I was so wrong, Sweetheart. It’s been tearing you apart for five long years. I know you don’t want to, but you need to get the whole entire thing off your chest. You need to clear your mind if you’re thinking about starting another relationship. I can tell by that look in your eyes, Nicola. You care for Howie more than you let on. And, you can’t love him with all the baggage weighing at your heart. So, start from the beginning and act like I don’t know a thing. Just tell me the whole story…and whatever else comes to your mind. Sweetie, talk to me.”

“Momma, this is stupid.”

“Just start from the beginning.”

Tears streaked Nicola’s cheeks as her mother reached out to hug her. She understood that Marie was only trying to do the best for her. Nicola took a deep breath, deciding to give it a shot. If it would suppress the awful nightmares, she would try anything. “Momma, you know I was seventeen when I got pregnant. Just starting college, being seventeen, and pregnant… I was so scared, but Trevor said that it would be okay. That everything would be okay. He married me and kept his word. He was so terrific. He took care of everything so I could still stay in college for physical therapy. You helped out, too. Everyone helped. I thought it was absolutely perfect, you know? We were both going to college to get great jobs. We were so perfect, but God didn’t see it that way. Christmas, Momma, the accident was the day after Christmas. I had begged Trev to go to that damn party. Some days, I wished I never would have. That drunk driver came out of nowhere. I couldn’t even swerve to avoid the hit. We were hit head on. I can still hear the metal and glass crunching against us. I was so scared and it was so cold. Trev just held my hand, telling me that’d it be okay… That everything would be okay.

“You knew that things weren’t okay from the beginning, but I had to find out for myself. I remember looking at him in that hospital bed. Paralyzed from the waist down. I remember looking in his eyes and just knowing… Knowing that he wasn’t the same anymore. It was as if I had taken away his soul and fed it to the Devil. He looked at me and I knew he was jealous. I only had some stitches and bruises – nothing else. Everyone told me that God had spared me because of the baby, but Trev didn’t care. I couldn’t blame him either. I mean, yeah, his child was safe, but his legs were unusable. I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault; that I wasn’t the one who caused the accident. But, every time I looked at Trev, I knew it was my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Marie tried to soothe.

“But it was, Momma. The accident maybe wasn’t my fault, but his death was. His doctor told him to go to physical therapy, because it would make him feel better. But he absolutely refused. Trevor didn’t want another person manipulating his broken body. He told me that I could take care of him and I thought I could. I mean, Hell, I was in college for physical therapy. So, I was arrogant in the decision. I thought I was doing well, but things went down hill so fast. He was so depressed and he yelled at every little thing I did. He became so mean and violent. I remember crying myself to sleep when I heard him crying. He refused to respond to the doctors. I was over my head and I kept telling myself that he would get better. Never saw it coming till I came home from class one night and found him dead in bed… Suicide… In his note, he blamed me for everything. Buried him in the ground in two days and had Lucy three days after…”

“And now how to you feel?”

“I know in my heart that it wasn’t my fault, that his suicide wasn’t my fault. However, there are other times where all I want to do is blame myself. Five years later and I still have that fight in my brain, Momma.”

“He was depressed, Sweetheart. It wasn’t your fault,” Marie reminded.

“But I let him quit therapy. I knew he needed it, but I shielded my judgment for my own vanity–”

“You weren’t vain. You were trying to help him in by consenting to his requests. It wasn’t your fault. He loved you very much. He always will love you,” Marie repeated, enveloping her daughter. “It happened over five years ago, Nic. It’s time to put it in the past with no strings attached. You can’t let Trevor make you feel dead inside. You deserve to live again. You should try to build your own clinic, no matter how scared you are of a patient dying while in your care. You should do what you dream to do. Trevor would want that. You deserve to love again, too. And, Lucy deserves a tangible Daddy.”

“I don’t think I can handle another paralyzed boyfriend. I’d have so many nightmares…” Nicola admitted honestly.

“Howie isn’t Trevor.”

“He has the same mood swings.”

“It doesn’t matter. Howie isn’t Trevor.”

“Momma—”

“That man that came over to give you two bouquets of roses and a beautiful necklace is like Trevor? I highly doubt it, Nicola. He’s a sweet and caring man. Every man is prone to having a mood swing and he has every right to be angry at the world for his condition. But, do you think he’s getting better? Do you see the light in his eyes that sparks every time you’re around? You’re the one reason that Howie is fighting to get better. I bet you’re the one reason he smiles every day. I can see it in his eyes. And I can see it in your eyes. You know he won’t turn out like to be like Trevor. Howie will end up being something better.”

“Even if that were the case, it’s not ethical to try a relationship with Howie. I’m his physical therapist and he’s my patient. I can’t blur the lines between business and pleasure.”

“Since when did you play by the rules of society when it came to love?”

“What are you saying?”

“Ethically, you and Trevor shouldn’t have been seen together. He was studying to be a teacher and came into your high school Anatomy and Physiology class to help the teacher. He and you shouldn’t have pursued a relationship, but you did, didn’t you? You didn’t care what society or ethics had to do with your heart. You never did. You’re just scared of having another relationship, so you allow the ethical barrier to block you.”

“You’re making my head hurt,” Nicola sighed, rubbing her temples.

“Do you have feelings for Howie, Nicola?”

“Yes…”

“Then tell him you resign as his physical therapist and slip him your number!”

“It’s not that easy!”

Marie sighed heavily and nodded. “I know it’s not, but I’m telling you that you deserve to be happy.”

“I know, Momma.”

“And, if you do want to try something with Howie, remember…” Marie signaled to the pendant in her hands. “He thinks that you’re his Moon Goddess shining down on him in the darkest hour of his life. In order to be his true Moon Goddess and make the relationship work, you have to let the moonshine uncover the darkness shrouding your life.”