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Chapter 24 – Bittersweet Romance

Nicola had expected to see Howie’s entire family around his bedside consoling him when she arrived, but she was mistaken. Instead, she was greeted with a cold room and Howie’s agonized screams. He was so tormented that he never noticed Nicola, which gave Nicola time to accustom herself to the new situation. Although, nothing could be harder because Nicola felt her heart sink to her stomach as she crept into the dark room. Howie’s pitiful sobs tore through Nicola’s tough exterior like a sharp knife. For once in her life, Nicola was utterly clueless as she looked upon his broken appearance. Howie was slumped over his bed as hot sobs exploded from the pit of his stomach. Nicola couldn’t see his face because it was hidden within his hands. Nicola assumed that Darcy was quite rough with Howie during the past hours, giving him a rude awakening into his new life.

Nicola decided to take a physical approach to make Howie aware of her appearance. Gently, she laid her good hand on his right shoulder. Howie jerked backward in surprise and immediately glanced upward. When their eyes connected, Howie seemed to crumple beneath the small amount of pressure from Nicola’s hand. He looked worst than when Nicola had first came upon him in the exercise room. His current facial expression of hopelessness and grief would haunt Nicola for days as his beautiful brown eyes watered with salty tears. Nicola winced, sitting down beside him on the bed. When Nicola was seated, she fell into her natural response to depression in her patients. Since tactile communication through hugs, back rubs, pats, and other means of physical encouragement were expected in her line of work – she felt no shame in reaching out and gently rubbing his bare back in a soft circular motion.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Nicola asked after several long moments of silence.

“She left me,” Howie choked quietly as he leaned forward. Her actual leaving hadn’t caused as much grief as her pungent words. Howie took a ragged breath, focusing more on the soft strokes from Nicola’s gentle hands.

“I’m sorry,” Nicola answered, watching Howie intensely study his hands.

“I’m not upset that she left…” Howie trailed. He found his sobs slowly subsiding with Nicola’s smooth honey voice. He glanced about the room, focusing upon a picture of Darcy and himself on the beach. Howie offered a look of pure disgust. He scolded himself for not seeing it sooner. He should have seen it coming. Too many times had he caught her being unfaithful, yet he let his so-called love blind his sight to truth.

“Why aren’t you upset with her leaving?” Nicola asked with confusion.

“I… I realized that I didn’t love her as much as I used to. I just didn’t want to admit it, because I needed something from my old life to cling to... I was just denying everything until now. So, I’m not mad that she left… I’m just… God, I’m an asshole… I can’t believe I care about what she told me!” Howie groaned, hanging his head in defeat. He felt like a fool crying in front of Nicola.

“What did she tell you?” Nicola persisted, knowing he needed to vent.

Howie slowly swallowed his pride, staring into Nicola’s icy emerald eyes. “Nic, point blank, she accused me of cheating on her. Never, and I mean never, would I do something so…disrespectful. Even if I hated our relationship, I would never stoop to that level. Then, when I deny it, she turns the table. Without any remorse, she tells me that she cheated several times. She said she enjoyed it and that I wasn’t worth… Damnit! She had tons of…encounters while she was with me. Just thinking about it makes me sick. I mean, how could I have been so blind?”

“Howie, I’m so sorry that this happened,” Nicola empathized, continuing to rub his back soothingly. “It’s not your fault, though. Love, in all aspects, is blinding. That’s all that love could possibly be because humans are all too imperfect. You didn’t see Darcy’s flaws because your love shielded her. So, don’t blame yourself.”

“I was an idiot,” Howie groaned without acceptance.

“No, Darcy was the idiot. Howie, you’re a great guy. Any woman that saw the true you wouldn’t run to others to fill some inexplicable emptiness. You have this bright exuberance in you that make women drunk with love. You create this aura that make women believe that there’s no limits on love. That anything can be accomplished as long as you’re there. There’s also this deep fire in your soul that stirs in your beautiful eyes. That very fire drawls everyone to you like an angel to the bright light. You’re perfect and no sincere woman would ever let you go without a deathly fight,” Nicola whispered truthfully, causing Howie’s eyes to widen in utter surprise. Nicola gave a knowing smile. “Howie, that day you heard me snap at Darcy… I was just angry. I hated that Darcy had you…because she never did deserve to have a man like you. And, at that moment, I just needed her to get away from me before I let ugly words slip.”

Howie found a faint smile forming upon his heated face. “You are so amazing.”

“Why, thank you,” Nicola declared with a laugh.

Howie was shocked that he had actually uttered those words, but he didn’t feel relief. He was silent as Nicola wrapped him in a loving embrace. Usually, with her touch, Howie’s heart would race with anticipation. Yet, now he could feel no pleasure. Darcy had poisoned his mind with delirious babble. Howie found his eyes watering as he flinched at Nicola’s touch, causing her to pull back with confusion. Howie immediately broke the intense gaze between them. If she ever had feelings for him – he didn’t deserve them. He could only remind himself that in the end, he wouldn’t please her. She would never receive the loving treatment that she deserved from him, because he was lacking. He was only half a man.

“What’s wrong?” Nicola pursued, reading the fear and sadness expressed in his bewildered eyes. She knew he was struggling with a debate inside him mind and rested assured that Darcy had caused the torment. Nicola could feel the damage of Darcy’s hatred within the depths of her very core.

“Don’t hug me,” Howie mumbled.

“Why? I like to hug you.”

“I don’t deserve your hugs.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m only half a man and I don’t deserve your affection.”

Nicola fell silent for a moment. She knew those very words belonged to Darcy. Nicola silently wished pain upon the woman for every hurtful word spouted from her lips. Nicola knew that Darcy had made sure that if she couldn’t keep Howie, then no one else would be allowed to care for him either. Nicola felt her mouth dry at the woman’s nasty tricks. She struggled to find the right words, knowing that she needed Howie to open up more to the source of the problem. “What do you mean that you’re only half a man?”

“Nicola, don’t make me spell it out.”

“Please, for me.”

“Darcy started sleeping around before the accident. She said that she did that because I wasn’t fulfilling her needs like I was supposed to. I wasn’t enough of a man for her – so she skipped around to taste the varieties. And, if I couldn’t keep a woman happy before my accident, why the Hell should I expect to keep a woman happy after my accident. My lower body is broke, which means that I’m physically incapable of loving a woman. Why should I believe that a woman would want to love me without receiving the same pleasure from me? I can’t do that and no woman would want that! So, I was too idealistic in thinking that something might spark between us. I’m never going to love again, because I’m only half a man!”

“Howie, you’re insane,” Nicola blurted with disgust.

“No, not insane, just broken.”

“Howie, you’re not half a man. Nor are you broken! You can love a woman both physically and mentally. You have a heart and soul. You have more heart and soul than over half of the male population bunched together. And, physically, your injuries are below the pelvis. So, you should have a copious amount of sensations during sexual encounters. You just have to get creative with lovemaking. Plus, not all love is done in the bedroom. Don’t be so foolish and don’t let Darcy’s bitchy behavior ruin your outlook on life. You should be confident, because you’re something that every woman is looking for.”

As Nicola’s words sank into Howie’s heart, he became dangerously aware of Nicola’s presence beside him. She sat only a few inches away from him. Her fresh scent of roses wafted into the air, intoxicating Howie’s mind. Her alluring emerald eyes glittered as the golden flecks danced against her pupils, hinting to the depth of her kindness. Her soft pink lips seemed to plead for a kiss. Howie felt his hands grow sweaty with a mere glance. He gulped hard on the lump growing in his throat. “How do you know that I can love?”

“Because I can show you.”

Without hesitation, Nicola leaned forward and boldly pressed her lips against his. Howie give the slightest resistance as he allowed her to quickly deepen the kiss without fear. Although, it was as if all their pent emotions were released with each of the tender kisses, Nicola conned her mind into thinking this encounter would better Howie’s healing. Nicola’s mind wanted to prove to Howie that he could physically love a woman. She wouldn’t allow Howie to throw the best part of life away with a foolish intention seeded by Darcy. He deserved so much more.

Nicola found herself pushing Howie back onto the bed. Their kisses now only broke long enough to capture a quick breath of air before reconnecting. She felt herself shed her jean jacket as if it were a second skin, not caring as she tossed it toward the floor. Somehow, Nicola even forgot the cast plastered against her arm as she braced herself above Howie’s heated body. She offered a sleek smile as she bent down again to connect with him. Howie never resisted as he tangled his hands in her soft curls, allowing her to do the work. Their brains disconnected from their hearts as their bodies were engulfed within the heat of passion, knowing that tonight they would take a step forward.

It felt utterly surreal to Nicola as each layer of clothing against their bodies was quickly thrown to the floor. She bent down, bracing herself against her plastered arm, and started kissing Howie’s throat. Her brain screamed to halt the foolish act that would ruin her career, but her heart urged her forward. It felt so good and it had been so long since Nicola’s heart had won in the affairs of love. So, Nicola allowed herself one chance to fall into enamored thoughts, promising that tomorrow she would return to her rationale state.