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Chapter 27 – Unable

Nicola felt her body numb over like blocks of thick ice as she opened the door to Howie’s luscious home. She felt odd walking into Howie’s living room, knowing she was about to attempt the impossible. She didn’t know many girls that would turn down a chance at love with a rich man, but Nicola didn’t care. So, she quietly went over everything she had written on a napkin in her car. She had planned every single word of her speech as if she were delivering a speech. Yet, all the words seemed to jumble inside her brain and become misplaced when Howie came into view. There Howie sat with dozens of crumpled papers strewn about his desk in no particular fashion. He never noticed Nicola appear, so she took the chance to study him.

In her emerald eyes, he looked absolutely irresistible. No flaws seemed to appear in his demeanor when Nicola admired him. He just held an essence of perfection that Nicola had fought so hard to attain during life. Everything about him seemed to make Nicola weak. His short curls lying gently against his wrinkled brow begged for Nicola to run her fingers against them. His dark chocolate eyes sparked with intensity while studying a small piece of paper, reminding Nicola of his smoldering glare while making love. And his body looked toned and sleek beneath his fitted, blue, sleeveless shirt and blasted jeans. Nicola felt her heart flutter as she tried to gather herself.

“H-Howie?” Nicola called meekly, struggling to keep her emotions at bay.

“SHIT!” Howie groaned, oblivious to Nicola’s enterance. He cursed again as he crumpled the paper and chucked it behind him. The paper ball hit the floor and bounced toward Nicola’s feet.

“What’s wrong, Howie?” Nicola asked, picking up the balled paper. He seemed overly surprised to see her, but Nicola didn’t address it. She merely sat down by Howie at the desk and handed the crumpled ball back to him. She seemed to forget all about her mission as she studied Howie’s tense features. She could tell that something was definitely plaguing him. She offered him a kind smile to break through the icy tension before them. Each of them could recall the night of passion, yet neither spoke out. Instead, they concentrated on another issue.

“I can’t finish this chorus for the life of me. I’ve been spending hours staring at that damn piece of paper, but nothing comes! I swear, I’m broken from my feet to my brain!” Howie declared vehemently. He gave an indignant scowl to all the balled papers scattered around his desk.

“Don’t give me that, Howie! You’re not broken from head to toe. Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean that you still can’t write powerful songs or sing beautifully. Just give it another try. Stop being so negative and open up to what your heart’s telling you,” Nicola enthused, smoothing the paper onto the desk. She quickly glanced at what was already written:

I want to keep you by my side always.
But not because of your dawn-breaking smile,
Or your sweet kisses of noon,
Or your midnight passions.
For they only add to your beauty.
I want you because,
You know the depths of my soul.

“It’s stupid,” Howie scorned after a few moments of silence.

“No, it’s not!” Nicola scolded, pushing gently on Howie’s shoulder. She studied the lyrics, cocking her head to the side. She bit down on her bottom lip, concentrating intently on each piece. “You say that you want her by your side always, so obviously she completes you some how. So why don’t you talk about how she completes you? Like you’re a broken puzzle away from her and only her being near keeps you together. Or something like that?”

It took only a few seconds for Howie’s eyes to light like Nicola had set several fireworks ablaze before him. He clapped with excitement, kissed her cheek, and grabbed a pen beside him. He began to scribble furiously on a piece of paper as his muse sat silently beside him. After a few minutes of writing, he began to sing the melody softly. His tender voice seemed to bring the entire song to life, making Nicola ache with wanting. When he finished, he glanced over to Nicola with a smile of approval. “Thank you so much. I definitely like it now.”

“Don’t thank me. You have an amazing voice and a soul that’s made for writing beautiful songs. I’ve been waiting so long for you to realize that. From day one, I saw everything that you’re just probably realizing. Howie, you have to realize that just because you’re in a wheelchair, it doesn’t mean you can’t make fantastic music. Your life isn’t over when you’re slammed into a chair by some lousy doctor. You can reach above and beyond the injury and strive for things that you never thought possible. You can’t let life tear you down when you have so much to bring to the table. You’re absolutely wonderful,” Nicola enthused, leaning toward him without thought.

“So are you… You keep me so happy, Nic,” Howie answered softly, allowing his hands to tangle into her honeysweet locks. He pulled her the rest of the way toward him, interlocking their lips. An intense heat lit inside his body as he broke the kiss and started another. He knew at that moment how badly he really needed her.

“No—” Nicola sighed suddenly, pushing Howie away. Her cheeks blazed with a fiery heat as she brought her hands against her face. She held her forehead as if she had a terrible headache. She knew that couldn’t persist in this silly fantasy. She gazed at Howie’s shocked expression and winced openly. “We… we can’t do this, Howie.”

“What do you mean?” Howie choked.

“This isn’t right.”

“What? What do you mean this isn’t right? What about last night?” Howie questioned in utter misery. He didn’t understand how something so wonderful could be so wrong. The lovemaking played constantly in his mind, reminding him how perfect everything fell into place. Her sweet kisses drove him to the brink of insanity. He dreamed about this moment for so long, but she was turning him away instead.

“Howie, the other night shouldn’t have happened.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m your physical therapist—”

“So?”

“You’re my patient, Howie! I can’t get involved with my patient. It’s completely unethical to start a relationship with you, no matter how I feel. It’s just not proper and I could loose my job for this.”

“Then just quit!”

“It’s not that simple!”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t have millions stored in my bank account! I need this job and I love what I do!”

“You love your job, yet you care nothing for me?” Howie asked bitterly. His heart ached openly with each word that passed through Nicola’s kissed lips. He couldn’t help but feel so confused. A few nights ago, she had acted so differently with him. Her loving kisses and compassion had healed his wounded soul. Yet, now, she was creating another painful injury that Howie feared might never heal.

“No, that’s not it at all!”

“Can you look me in the eyes and deny you felt nothing that night?” Howie pressed, weakening her protective layer.

“Howie—”

“Do you not love me?”

Nicola bowed her head down in shame. Howie made this attempt increasingly difficult as the minutes passed. She wanted to give into temptation, but it wasn’t right. She could feel her brain and heart arguing intensely as she stayed silent. Things just never came easy in her life, no matter what the situation. Nicola sighed deeply, “Howie, I do care for you, but it’s terribly complicated.”

“Why?”

“Because…”

Howie reached out and brought Nicola’s hands to his lips. He would lay one more offer on the table of love. He would put his heart out on the line. He would give just one more chance. “I can tell you that with all my heart I love you. There’s nothing else to really say but those words. I love you, Nicola. I love you a lot. And, my family is coming over for dinner on Thursday. So, if you do care for me, then come to dinner. The ball is officially in your court and there will be no pressure. You take time to think about this. You don’t have to decide until Thursday evening. If you decline, then we’ll keep this a strictly professional relationship. Or, if you come, I’ll have a chance to love you like you deserve to be loved.”